My mother complicated situation hemp please

[Mothernotmother]

Ok so I have been no contact with my mother for many years . She was quite horrible to me as an older teen young adult I tried loads of time to build a relationship with her but she hated me for no reason . So I decided I can't make her be my mum and I stopped all contact.

So shes now is her 80s . I dont think she even remembers me. Anyway my sister has contacted me telling me that she has gone down hill alot . She keeps falling . Can't walk across the room can't make herself a cup of tea basic things like that. Last time she got up to go to the toilet fell and banged her head on the radiator. Her partner did not hear her fall as he's a bit deaf so she was there for about 5hrs.

Her partner is in his 70s and pretty fit. He does things like diving and lots of holidays and says he won't be able to take her away anymore and she will have to go into a home.

Because of the fall she was/is in hospital . Social services have said no to a home. But want to send her to a rehabilitation centre for a month to start of with. The aim is to get her back home.

After speaking to my sister i learnt that mum has no walking aids , rails or anything like that in her home .

My brother thinks her partner just wants to get rid of her and stick her in a home. I don't know if this is the case I have never met him. But my brother thinks he won't want to give up his live style. Ie diving , living away from uk for 9 month of the year etc.

Anyway my brother has said if he needs to he will take my mum in. My sister is saying how lovely it is of him to offer . But my brother is an alcoholic. My sister has told me he gets quite aggressive and nasty shouts ect. I don't think she understands alcoholics because if he's moaning about money for example she will say well if he leaves the drink alone for a couple of weeks he would have money. Or if he just had 1 or 2 drinks. He would be more pleasant

Also on a practical level he had 6 steps going up to his flat. Plus 3 steps going down to the bedroom. She can't manage on a bungalow. So I can't see how his place would work.

Would Social services check to see if he's suitable?

When I first heard of the situation a few weeks back . I felt like well fuck her . I did absolutely nothing wrong to her. Yet she hated me for nothing at all. In my heart I know I never done anything to hurt her. But now I'm starting to feel bad for her abd my instincts are ti look after her😭

Almost forgot ger memory is not right either. She told my sister they got back from abroad 1 day ago . But its Been 4 weeks.

I suspect more will become apparent about just how much care your mother needs during her month in rehab - there is no guarantee she'll improve to the extent she doesn't need care or can manage steps.

Hey hun , she is still your mother . My mother was the same, I literally have no feelings for her but I feel like if I ignored her at this time I would regret it all my life . Even if she's a horrid person, you keep your conscience clean and look after her . You will be rewarded through your patience one day . Good deeds always come back.

Stay well out of it! You’re going to get lumbered if you’re not careful. Your mother has a partner and two other children to sort her out.

I think honestly it's not a great idea to try to care for your mum after all these years. You can try to rebuild the relationship and provide some assistance but you can't take her in.
The rehab folks can advise on measures needed to adapt the home and I don't understand why she can't go back to her own home. The DP may say he doesn't want to care for her but it's still her home and she's entitled to stay there and have the necessary support.

Keep calm and accept that in going into respite, she'll be throughly assessed before she is discharged.
Don't let anybody tell you that you have to look after her.
If she does go to your brother's it's possible that it'll go wrong quite quickly, and the social services will end up paying attention.

If I were you I’d stay well out of it , you’ve happily been no contact for all these years and being old and forgetful won’t suddenly make her a better person .

Don't get involved. You might still be mentally fragile after years of wanting a mother that never was.

For me it was/is a life long sentence, just wanting a relationship which she never granted me.

I need to be well shot of all my family to feel mentally strong and still struggle.

Sounds harsh but the only real benefit to missing out on everything a good mum offers is 1) no need to look after them when they're old 2) no grieving when they go, you did all of that already.

Don't waste your time.

Before coming home from rehab they should check her home and make any adjustments. Your siblings need to ask about carers, esp if mum’s partner is away a lot of the time, as they would at least provide a check on her and make food etc. for the local authority looking after someone at home is cheaper than paying for a care home. If your brother suggests that she moves into his place they would also assess that home and your brother.

This, I know it sounds callus but just let them get on with it I mean you could offer to do some emails or calls to professionals if you but I wouldn't get physically involved. The partner sounds horrific but I'd leave it to your siblings or you will try and care for her as some sort of reconnecting thing

You are a decent person.
Please tell adult social care everything you have put in your opening post.
It's important that you make clear that you have been non-contact with your mum for years because of her mental and emotional cruelty to you. You cannot and will not care for her.
They need to know that your brother is an alcoholic and is aggressive. She would not be safe with an alcoholic.
They also need to know that your mother's partner will not look after her if she is returned to him. Tell them clearly that discharging her to your brother or her partner would be an 'unsafe discharge'.
Inform them. Copy your letter or email to her GP.
When you've done that, you can be sure you've done all you can. If they contact you, be firm that you have no relationship with your mother and will not take her in.

It is very, very difficult to look after an old person, in your home or theirs. I had a week with my mum in 2012 and came close to violence! Although she lived with my dad, I was the one who informed GP and social services. I put it all in writing and they did act upon it.

What is your mother's position regarding finances and property? Your sister might want to look into arrangements between your mother and the partner.

It's her home and she is entitled to go back there. If her partner doesn't want her there that is a separate legal issue, but social services won't fund her to go into a home just because her partner has decided to opt out. That is a divorce /legal / housing issue, not a care issue.

If she needs support short of full time care they can put it in place in her own home.

I have had friends who have looked after previously estranged and abusive parents in their last years and it has almost destroyed them and not given them.the closure they wanted. I wouldn't be tempted to do that.

If you want to do the right thing by her you could let Social Services know the situation with your brother.

Even if she's a horrid person, you keep your conscience clean and look after her . You will be rewarded through your patience one day . Good deeds always come back.

What an absolute load of bollocks. This isn't a fucking Disney movie where everything turns out like roses and rainbows. You really think it helps to guilt trip and gaslight the op into bringing her abusive mother back into her life?

Op, ignore this advice. You don't owe your mother a single thing, and I guarantee any "good deed" you extend her way will bite you in the arse.

Thank you everyone.

My mum does not own Any property. She just lives with him her name is not on anything . I'm not 100% but I think she signed something that means she has no right to anything.

I think your right I should stay out of it. Apart from may contact with adult social services to express my concerns over care if she was to go to my brother. But I think the rehabilitation thing needs to happen first.

Not sure if I'm being stupid with this comment. But im also thinking. It's not unusal for old people to fall. If she had no walking frame, no hand rails. Nothing in place to help at all . Has there actually been any effort at all.

I won't be taking that advice.

I don't hate her I don't want to see anything bad happen to her . But mentally her coming to me would not do her any good.

It's not unusual for old people to fall.
Certainly isn't. My dad, 92, fell 'flat on his back on the floor, across the room' this morning, and claims to be none-the-worse for it.

I didn't guilttrip or gaslight her , I gave her advice which she can take or leave . You should probably learn to be more respectful

Yes you did.

Guilt: "I feel like if I ignored her at this time I would regret it all my life . Even if she's a horrid person, you keep your conscience clean and look after her"

Gaslight: "You will be rewarded through your patience one day . Good deeds always come back."

This is utter bollocks, as noted, and IME no good deed goes unpunished.

Oh and this is MN, we don't 'hun' people on this website. You may find you feel more at home on Netmums (does that still exist?)

I would just stay out of it OP. Your sister can report to social services that the brother is not a suitable option due to his addiction to alcohol. Your mum will either be assessed as suitable to go home or not. Others getting involved just complicates things and, ultimately, will delay her getting the care she needs.

Let the professionals handle it. That is their job.

My sister has no understanding of the alcohol issues or how it effects people.

Yeah I will.

Little bit of me feels angry. I'm thinking wtf you telling me . She has not wanted to know me for many years although I done absolutely nothing wrong ( I know I have not) then on top of that I have had to listen /see . What a lovely time you have had on visits. Little get together meals out . Phone calls etc etc.

And now it's mum may have to go into a home. She's not managing well bla bla . Part of me think fuck off.

Spill your angst here by all means. But stop trying to work out how other people will sort it out.

Your sister can burble on as she is, that doesn't affect you or your situation

Your brother's issues are his and don't affect you or your situation

Should SS contact you you say no, you cannot and will not house her. It's that simple.

If her life partner won't step up then SS will have to work on
other arrangements. But he will be their first point of call because he is her life partner, she lives with him

Again none of that affects you or your situation. You are not obliged, not legally or morally or in some hope of karma.

This is where you put yourself first and foremost. I know how difficult that is but it can be done and social services won't be able to force you into anything

If I think about it logically with no emotion. It's nothing to do with me. My non emotional side things what you telling me for. There's been no contact for many years

@Mothernotmother, your mom has the early stage of dementia. Most likely alzheimers disease.

When you said she was thinking you had only just got back from abroad, that's how we knew, with my mom. You/ your family really needs to tell the social services team and the Dr.

My mom wanted to know when we were going back home as we had been in Cyprus too long. My father was stationed there in the 60s.

There are many different types of dementia. I've gone with alzheimers during you because of the other symptoms of falls, etc. People don't realise it's not just your memory that goes.

Your mom will eventually have to go in a home. As for her moving in with your brother. It doesn't seem a good idea as he is alcoholic. That's chaotic in itself.

The choices you're facing are difficult with you not having a good relationship with her. I know how it was for us with my late mom, and I did have w decent relationship with her

I always find writing out problems cathartic, then once I've emptied my head. I can look at things differently

Do you own MN? Also I don't know why you have decided to battle me on this , what's it got to do with you . I gave my opinion she can take or leave it . Sad to see your having issues with someone online who only posted her opinion. If you own MN , then let me know. Its a public forum and I am allowed to express my advice and I don't really care how you interpret it . So how about you shoo off and go pick fights with someone else ?