What would be a fair distribution of labour in this set up?

[Eleanornamechange]

I'm close to the person in this scenario, started off as school run mum friends. She is struggling a bit at the moment and often come to me to talk through it. I wondered what other people think of the scenario.

Wife works about 10 hours a week in school hours. Admittedly does all cleaning, cooking, food shops, housework, pet care, laundry, admin and childcare. Two children, both with additional needs, one in mainstream, one in specialist school and awarded with higher rate Disability Living Allowance for the child's disabilities. Wife has scaled job right back in order to support the family more. She spends a lot of time taking children to appointments, assessments, getting extra support for them, managing their behaviour, learning about their conditions and new ways she can help them. Career wise she has a lot more potential and could earn up to 60k but now barely earning 9k pa. She took the cut for now to support family. Admittedly her family life is hard work and emotionally draining for her but she felt that when she was working too. As well as all of the above, she enables her husband to continue working in a high powered job that takes him out of the home regularly.

Husband works very long hours, earning salary of around £150k plus bonuses and other benefits such as shares topping well over another 100k pa I guess.....rough estimate. He works hard, loves his job and is desperate to provide for his family. He is out of the house most days, on days he works from home he needs to be shut away in the office and not interrupted by children. He travels for a fortnight every two months, so for every eight weeks he is away for every two of them and at home for six. This can cause considerable upset for his children, one of whom in particular is highly sensitive to change in routine.

They recognise how lucky they are financially and at the same time are sad for the difficulties their children face and are drained by the difficulties they as a family face day to day.

Should husband have any responsibilities in the home at all? I.e. laundry / cooking / DIY ?

Currently he mows the lawn once a week If he can.

I have my own opinions on this. I wanted to see what others felt?

It's not ideal for the wife is it? How many hours is she working (paid and unpaid) per week and how does that compare to the husband? When does she get respite outside of the home? Was the decision for her to cut down on paid work a joint one? If she were to work FT or more hours at least, would there be enough money for a live-in support?

Well I think she is working her PT hours or doing the unpaid jobs at all times the children are at school, so she is "working" 30 hrs pw. Then doing all evening chores and childcare/parenting every evening on her own.

I think she is lonely and missing the status and fulfilment that working brings. But she also says she couldn't cope with their children's needs combined with the stress of a job either.

Maybe they could use the family money to pay for a cleaner, and some other things to make her life easier?

Could they hire an au pair ?

What are the 'evening chores'?
Cooking dinner, tidying up, sorting bedtimes?

It sounds incredibly tough. I don't have any suggestions for the emotional overload but I think they can definitely ease some of the housework.

With the money her husband is earning they should definitely hire a cleaner to ease your friends load or if there is enough a housekeeper to help with laundry and meal prep as well.

This would give her some head space during the day when the children are at school.

Possibly a nanny or other childcare one evening a week to give her a break in the evening.

@SapphireSlippers yes I guess so. I do know bedtimes are challenging and one of the children, sometimes both, struggle with sleep and take melatonin for it.

OK. I think perhaps I haven't been sympathetic enough to her. I kind of felt she should just get on with it !

Yes of course he should. He should clear up and deal with kids (with her) in the evenings and on the weekends they should split whatever needs doing.

I've always said free time should be split. In this scenario at least the weekend and DH WFH days assuming DW is coping and not too exhausted during the week.

With children with high needs that's a very demanding 'job' she's got there.

What's the actual question? If they're happy like that, I don't see that it's any of your business.

If I were them, I'd pay for someone to do some of the domestic and childcare stuff so she could work.

Super demanding jobs basically require you to have someone else to do your domestic shit - partner or housekeeper.

I'm with you OP.

I think a lot of women like to make more of a hoo-ha about the trials and tribulations of running a home than is actually necessary.

All the bullshit and drama about life admin and what appears to 24/7 cooking and cleaning and running around after DCs. And then the dismissive attitude to the person who works out of the home and earns money as if their job is some kind of paid jolly. I wonder if it's pressure to have an instagram lifestyle or show home that makes women so discontent and unhappy with their lot?

Yes, life isn't easy with a disabled child. And of course the DH should do stuff at home and look after the DCs. That's not "work"; it's what everyone does when they're not at work. So whilst I wouldn't tolerate a man sitting around gaming, I certainly wouldn't be presenting him with lists of chores either the minute he walks through the door.

If she's struggling, get a cleaner.

Yes of course, he should be doing things in the home. Half of everything when he isn’t working. Admittedly, he may work long hours, but won’t stop him tidying the kitchen at 9pm or packing lunches for the kids. And taking over with the dc on the weekends so his partner can get some key things done or deep cleaning the bathroom.

He obviously can’t do it during his working hours, but none of us can. That’s why we do it evenings and weekends, even when we have high earning roles.

And with that level of household income, I’d be expecting them to buy in help too, a cleaner and other jobs that could be outsourced.

@NoCloudsAllowed

I think really the question is, should she be dissatisfied with the situation?

I guess it's somewhat dependent on the person and how they get most fulfilment as an individual.

From a practical perspective it seems the best thing to support the children and keep a more than decent salary coming in.

In fairness to them there is little "insta worthy" in their lives, they have a nice house but not huge, certainly no rm for an au pair. They seem to squirrel away money and have become particularly more conscious of saving for the future since their youngest child's full diagnosis as I think they feel the need to future proof themselves as they aren't sure to what extent the child will be able to support themselves in adulthood.,,

Of course he should