So I have a question . . .

[Curiouscatkin]

Have NC for this just in case it's outing (prob not but you never know!). I'm a straight woman and have realised recently that if I ever have any kind of contact with a man (anything from a new relationship (platonic) to the briefest conversation with someone I'll never see again) I automatically, without exception, size up how attracted to them I am and potentially they are to me. It's not even a considered response, it's just a reflex that's always been there for as long as I can remember.

My question is: is this usual? I always assumed it was, probably because I've never been any other way, but a conversation recently made me think it wasn't, and it's more of a 'male' way of behaving (or being, I guess). Are you the same? Do you have an automatic 'potential mate' response to anyone you meet who's your preferred gender (so gay women, do you feel this with women?) The only exception for me is men who are either much too young or too old (I'm late 40s, so obviously teens/early 20s and over 65ish are out).

Bi female, 40s here, l did no discover my bi side until l was 30 something. I wouldn’t say l “size up” everybody l meet, not by any means. But some people do strike me along life’s path.

l don’t think there is anything wrong in thinking the way you do though.

Nope, not me.

Yes, but rather more vaguely. Less ‘Would I go to bed with this person?’ than ‘Do I find this person generally attractive?’, which would encompass more than their appearance.

I'm similar. Did you have male friendships as a child, brothers, male cousins?

I didn't apart from my father and grandfather neither of whom I was close to. All significant males in my life have been partners

No not at all. That doesn’t even cross my mind ever!

I think because I've never really had platonic male relationships I don't really know how to do them.

Yes, I did when I was single. Oddly enough since getting married my mind doesn't even go there!

This is all really interesting, thank you! @infactyourquiteunique yes I have a brother and had two male cousins (one died in his teens) and had platonic male schoolfriends, so there were men and boys around while I was growing up. I feel like it's probably a nature not nurture thing, though.

@UnravellingTheWorld I'm married too, and have been for a long time, but it's something that's outside of any relationship I've ever been in. It's not about being unhappy with who I'm with, just an automatic response. I've always done it, whether single, coupled up, happy or unhappy.

No, wouldn't occur to me. I'm a straight woman but always enjoyed male company and had a lot of male friends. I'm with my DH since my Uni days so I've been monogamous a long time (mid 40s now). That said I didn't do it much when I was single either. I saw men or women as people, potential friends and the attraction usually came later. I was never one for instant attraction, it was always a slow burn for me and most boyfriends or crushes were people I was friendly with first. It also caused confusion and complications though, there was often a grey area.

Yes I think I do a version of this in that I'll decide if I think someone is good looking or not. But very much a passing thought. I won't dwell on it. I don't do it in the reverse though.

Yes I do this too and the older I get the less people I think are attracted to me due to meeting lots of younger man!

I don’t know how old you are, but I’m in my 40s and attention from younger men is definitely on the increase.

@StarlightLady I am early 40's, when I do get attention from younger men I do sometimes think it's because I remind them of their mums 😆

I hope l don’t with the things they offer to do with me 🫢.

I do this. More of a "would I?" fleeting thought.