80 yr old + Dialysis and a hand hold?

[nc10924]

Hi, I have NC as this is probably outting.

Sorry, probably not the right board but I'm in a bit of a state this evening and quite burnt out. I'm not sure where to turn.

My nan is 80. She is about to start dialysis. She is fearlessly independent and has been very active, until recently when she has slowed but still drives, lives independently etc.

I can't actually sum up my relationship with her in a paragraph but she is like a mum to me as my DM has severe mental health problems. I've always said she is my lifeboat in the sea and always has been since I was a child. I always felt safe with her. And I speak to her every day, I see her at least twice a week, she's my world and I can't imagine a life without her.

Basically, I'm terrified but I'm holding it together for her and my DC. I am being supportive but not intrusive as she is a very private person and really worries about worrying people (especially my DM).

Does anyone know how long someone her age with dialysis might have left? I know this is morbid. But logistically, I need to prepare as she is still caring for my DM, although more emotionally these days. She still has my DM over for food/ to stay if shes unwell and then there's the emotional support/safe space. I'm having to take over the more practical side when I can, although I have 2 DC so its tough. I'm also very emotionally supportive of my DM, we talk on the phone 4/5 times a day plus messages. It's draining.
I just need to know roughly how long I have to sort stuff out for my DM and also emotionally for me and my DC.

My DC adore my nan, my DS says her house is his favourite place to go on the weekend.

Thank you so much

That’s a tough, sad situation. I think statistics say around 2 years but there are so many variables. Hopefully someone else might know a bit more, but here’s a handhold. Your Nan sounds like a fantastic woman!

Dialysis is a life prolonging treatment. She's clearly unwell enough to need it, so starting might actually make her feel a bit better.
It's a big commitment and change to daily life. If she can drive herself or get lifts rather than patient transport that would be amazing as otherwise it's a lot of waiting around. She'll likely be doing 3 days per week on haemodialysis in hospital. There are other options and it is possible to do it at home eventually if the patient can learn the skills , but that seems less likely at 80. Worth asking though!

Average life expectancy is a bit meaningless. The people on dialysis are inherently very unwell and so lots of comorbidities. If she is otherwise well and is lucky enough to avoid complications there's no reason she can't live for years.