Younger sister obsessed with abusive ex and im worn out!

[Ponylady]

Just wondered if anyone else has experienced this. I'm sure they have.

My younger sister (25) has recently finished with her abusive boyfriend. He was a manipulative, narcissist and absolutely took full advantage of the fact that my sister is very vulnerable emotionally due to poor mental health (something she has struggled with for many years)

As a family we are so proud of her for standing up for herself and finishing it. It was traumatic end as ex wouldn't take no for an answer and threw lots of abuse and criticism at her that she took to heart and her mental health has crashed even further.

The current issue is that she is constantly thinking about him, crying about him, analysing it all over and over. Saying she knows he's not good for her but she misses him.

I'm closest person to her so I get endless phone calls and visits and crisis calls with her in tears wanting to go over and over it.

I do get it. I was in an abusive relationship once and I totally get how hard it is but I'm exhausted and frustrated listening. I'm sick of talking and listening about this horrible, nasty man and I can feel myself losing patience with her keep saying she is missing him.

Part of me wants to say 'fine, just get back with him then" but obviously I won't say this.

Has anyone else been the support for someone and felt like this?

My heart sinks when she rings or come round cos I know it will be another 2hrs of going over and over it again.

Sounds tough. You need to practice reflecting back to her. She's processing her emotions and will make sense if them quicker if she feels heard. Phrases like "That sounds really tough . . . "
"You are going through the hardest thing ever, now . . . "
"Yes, I can hear how sad you sound . . ."

However, try to deflect her thoughts away from him, too. Think of the MNet advice people are given. "You are not missing him, you are missing the man you thought he was.".
"Abusers can be very loveable/charming. It's how they reel you in so that they can then get away with being so awful. But it never lasts. Their true colours always show through."
"You are worth so much more than him. It hurts now but you will find someone who values you for who you are."
" Don't even think about a new relationship. Spend some time looking after you."

Does she live close? Can you invite her round for dinner/film nights/long dog walks to get through this phase?

If we spend time together she just talks about him non stop. I say 'let's have an hour where we think about something else' then after an hour she brings it all up again.

I get she is processing it all and coming to terms with it and needs to offload but it's been 4mths now

Tell her she needs to get some therapy as you haven't got any more to give