Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Should i go to family birthday party next month?

28 replies

67666d · 23/05/2024 14:34

Should I go to a family party next month with like 16 people which will be my grandma's birthday party which has been rescheduled?

I just feel in a terrible place mentally and I feel drained and exasperated when I think about having to go and having to travel. It feels too much. I don't feel like myself at the moment, I am completely burnt and stressed out. Mentally, I'm not even present its like I'm 5 years into the future. I don't want to be around other people even family, I'm so sorry but these are my true feelings right now, its nothing personal. I hope that they will change in the future.

I went to visit and stay with my parents a few weeks ago and I just felt off the whole time. I felt so irritable, claustrophobic and agitated, it's not like me at all. I just couldn't wait to leave and get back to my own home and have my own space. I have so much hanging and looming over me that I had no desire to go in the first place and I knew I shouldn't have gone but it was my mums idea and she insisted that I go to stay with her and my dad.

I will feel so guilty for not going as I don't have any excuse as I'm not working and I've even told my parents that me and my boyfriend can't afford to go away or go on any holidays all summer. My mum keeps on telling me that my grandma really wants to and is desperate to see me.

I don't want to have the same conversations about my living situation, moving, my relationship that I had at christmas. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed and humiliated and weird that me and my boyfriend are still so stuck, its like we've fallen into a black hole all because of me. I feel like a special, selfish, horrible, incompetent, freak.

I want to be thriving and happy and to feel light and upbeat - I don't want to be living a life where I'm having such unhealthy thoughts and overthinking everything even a family birthday party, its awful. i feel so mean. ive not responded in three days now if im going or not.

I don't want to make myself do things that I don't feel like doing as I don't feel like its fair and i feel like i should look out for myself, but I can't give any excuse and it feels really mean. i think my mum would be hurt and disappointed if i tell her im not going.

OP posts:
2dogsandabudgie · 23/05/2024 15:54

How far will you have to travel? Will it involve staying overnight?

2dogsandabudgie · 23/05/2024 15:58

Also why are you not working at the moment, is it because of your mental health? Redundancy?

Sorry for all the questions but just trying to get a clearer picture.

Original poster
67666d · 23/05/2024 16:18

2dogsandabudgie · 23/05/2024 15:54

How far will you have to travel? Will it involve staying overnight?

It's about 2 hour 30 minutes each way via train and then a 30 minute car ride from the station (somebody will have to pick me up/drop me off).

I don't really want to have to stay overnight to be honest, i have already explained how fragile I'm feeling above so i'd rather just only go for the day but it might make things easier for other people if i arrive the day before or something so that they don't have to drop me off and pick me up from the train station on the same day as the party.

OP posts:
YorkNew · 23/05/2024 16:21

Would you be up for visiting your Grandma separately from the party and have one to one time and then come home again?

DoreenonTill8 · 23/05/2024 16:23

Bus or taxi from station? What time is it at? A 6 hr trip in one day with a party sounds intense!
Will some one in your family be willing to drive 2 hours in.total on the party day?

Original poster
67666d · 23/05/2024 16:26

2dogsandabudgie · 23/05/2024 15:58

Also why are you not working at the moment, is it because of your mental health? Redundancy?

Sorry for all the questions but just trying to get a clearer picture.

I was dismissed from my job in July for multiple lateness episode, i had been there for four years. i had had multiple warnings about lateness on and off for years. I was completely burnt out with the commute (like 1 hour 20 minutes each way) and the low pay (even though i was working full-time i was going into my overdraft every month and going into my inherited savings every month). The job was also exhausting and the money in no way reflected the workload. In the end i just stopped caring and i lost the energy to get to work on time i had a disciplinary hearing about my lateness to which i chose not to attend (a part of me just wanted to be let go) and then i was fired from the job.

i struggled to see a future for myself. my mental health got quite bad to be honest, i had an abortion five years ago and i regret it every day. i couldn't see the job ever putting me in a position to be able to have a child again.

OP posts:
Original poster
67666d · 23/05/2024 16:27

Ugh, I don't know. In my heart i feel i just don't want to go. i'm so sorry i just don't feel up to it. i feel so weak and fragile and sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
67666d · 23/05/2024 16:28

YorkNew · 23/05/2024 16:21

Would you be up for visiting your Grandma separately from the party and have one to one time and then come home again?

Ugh, I don't know. In my heart i feel i just don't want to go. i'm so sorry i just don't feel up to it. i feel so weak and fragile and sad.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 23/05/2024 16:28

@YorkNew

Would you be up for visiting your Grandma separately from the party and have one to one time and then come home again

That’s a good suggestion.

ButterflyBarista · 23/05/2024 16:29

It sounds like you're a tough time, but sometimes duty calls and you need to pull up your pants and just go. It'll probably not be as bad as you think and you'll feel a certain sense of achievement at having gone.

Original poster
67666d · 23/05/2024 16:30

DoreenonTill8 · 23/05/2024 16:23

Bus or taxi from station? What time is it at? A 6 hr trip in one day with a party sounds intense!
Will some one in your family be willing to drive 2 hours in.total on the party day?

it wouldn't be two hours in total, only one hour. it's 30 minutes from the train station i would arrive at to the party venue. Yes, I am more than sure that one of my immediate family members would be more than willing to drop me off. the party has been rescheduled from last month and i asked them the same thing last month and they said it would be absolutely ok to do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
67666d · 23/05/2024 16:32

DoreenonTill8 · 23/05/2024 16:23

Bus or taxi from station? What time is it at? A 6 hr trip in one day with a party sounds intense!
Will some one in your family be willing to drive 2 hours in.total on the party day?

Its at lunch time

OP posts:
Original poster
67666d · 23/05/2024 16:33

67666d · 23/05/2024 16:28

Ugh, I don't know. In my heart i feel i just don't want to go. i'm so sorry i just don't feel up to it. i feel so weak and fragile and sad.

Show quote history

i just don't feel like i can be good company to other people

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 23/05/2024 17:21

67666d · 23/05/2024 16:30

it wouldn't be two hours in total, only one hour. it's 30 minutes from the train station i would arrive at to the party venue. Yes, I am more than sure that one of my immediate family members would be more than willing to drop me off. the party has been rescheduled from last month and i asked them the same thing last month and they said it would be absolutely ok to do this.

Show quote history

Ah I thought half an hour to pick you up, then half an hour back to venue, then same in reverse! Will you not have to leave super early to make it for lunch? Could you go up night before, early bed then leave right after lunch?

SquishyGloopyBum · 23/05/2024 17:27

What are you doing to deal with your mental health? You sound depressed.

Original poster
67666d · 23/05/2024 17:48

DoreenonTill8 · 23/05/2024 17:21

Ah I thought half an hour to pick you up, then half an hour back to venue, then same in reverse! Will you not have to leave super early to make it for lunch? Could you go up night before, early bed then leave right after lunch?

Show quote history

Oh yes, you are completely right actually. thank you so much for pointing that out 😊

2 hours in total for the other person to pick me up and drop me back off.

Sorry, my brain is not functioning at the moment lol 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
67666d · 30/05/2024 12:12

I feel terrible, I told my mum I would get back to her to let her know if I was going last Friday.

Well, I didn't get back to her and I still haven't, she has messaged me just now to ask if I've decided if I'm going to the party. I feel very very very inconsiderate and terrible.

I think subconsciously the reason I haven't got back to her is because I don't want to go or don't feel up for going.

I've known all along that I don't want to go or don't feel up for going, I feel completely drained by the idea and I don't want to have to travel again. It just feels like too much right now, I'm so sorry.

I don't think it's fair to make myself go to something when I just don't feel like myself and haven't for a few months now.

I don't have any excuse I can make since I'm unemployed and have no holidays or anything planned (no money to plan).

I know this is not an excuse but I spent christmas alone with (my mum, dad and grandma) - my sister didn't go because she was depressed and my boyfriend was spending christmas with his family abroad. I just don't feel good about keeping on attending family events without my boyfriend, i feel embarrassed, like half of me is missing or something.

I can't believe this is still dragging on, I feel exhausted.

OP posts:
wetpebbles · 30/05/2024 12:18

can you see your GP and ask for help then tell your family you are at burnout and hope to see them in a few months ?

2dogsandabudgie · 30/05/2024 12:29

Message your mum and tell her that mentally you are not in a good place and that you won't be up to going to the party. Then make an appointment with your GP as you sound depressed.

Would you want to go to the party if your boyfriend went with you?

Original poster
67666d · 30/05/2024 12:48

2dogsandabudgie · 30/05/2024 12:29

Message your mum and tell her that mentally you are not in a good place and that you won't be up to going to the party. Then make an appointment with your GP as you sound depressed.

Would you want to go to the party if your boyfriend went with you?

I don't know possibly, I mean then it would be completely reasonable to just go for the day. We could drive there and back in the same day (my boyfriend has a car so he could drive us). I mean we could drive straight back home after a few hours at the party, it feels much more bearable and straightforward.

If I go by myself, I will need to travel for like 2 hours 45 minutes (each way) on 3 different trains and then get picked up at the train station by my parents and driven to the pub where the party is at. My family would probably want me to stay on for longer, stay with my gran for a few more nights - It feels a bit weird to just get the train straight back home after a few hours at the party. I don't know, I know I'm overthinking but i just can't get my head round any of this for some reason.

I just don't feel up for it. It just all feels like too much. I don't usually mind travelling too much, but it all feels like too much right now when I'm burnout.🙁

OP posts:
heldinadream · 30/05/2024 14:01

Sweetheart, I'm a grandma. OK I'm not your grandma and I don't know what she's like. But I can tell you this; if I was your grandma OF COURSE I would want to see you but MORE than that, I'd really really really want you to do what is best for you and for you not to feel under any pressure whatsoever. I'd want you to relax and let yourself off the hook and stop worrying for a while about everyone else. I'd want you to completely prioritise your own needs and well-being.
And it sounds to me that if you did that you'd be staying home. Am I right? 💕

Original poster
67666d · 30/05/2024 14:33

heldinadream · 30/05/2024 14:01

Sweetheart, I'm a grandma. OK I'm not your grandma and I don't know what she's like. But I can tell you this; if I was your grandma OF COURSE I would want to see you but MORE than that, I'd really really really want you to do what is best for you and for you not to feel under any pressure whatsoever. I'd want you to relax and let yourself off the hook and stop worrying for a while about everyone else. I'd want you to completely prioritise your own needs and well-being.
And it sounds to me that if you did that you'd be staying home. Am I right? 💕

Yes, I'm so sorry but more than anything i want to not have to think about going in a few weeks time, for the weight to be off my shoulders.

i don't know, i just want and need to take the pressure of myself.

i've been dilly-dallying over this for weeks now and i can't come to any decision, usually i'm much better than this. i have some life in me and self-love behind me to make a decision, but its all burnt out and i can't make a decision for the life of me.

i'm so sorry, hopefully i can make it up to my family when i'm in a better state.

OP posts:
Original poster
67666d · 30/05/2024 15:44

Do you think it is too late to say that i'm not going now?

My mum told her to let her know asap so she could let my uncle know as he was booking it but that was like last week.

will he lose money if i don't go?...

it would have been a group booking for like 14 people, i think and its in 3 weeks time.

OP posts:
Original poster
67666d · 30/05/2024 15:57

I've made my mind up guys, I'm not going. (once i've made my mind up, that's it and i won't go back on it). i know that it is too much for me right now and i'm very sorry but this is how it is.

i need to text my mum now which i'm dreading, can you believe it but i feel i've wasted all day dwelling on this and getting more and more drained?.... it is draining the life out of me

at least when i've texted my mum, i'll be able to move on

OP posts:
abracadabra1980 · 30/05/2024 16:41

I'm a lot older than you and over the years have either been extremely sociable or not so much. It's normal. I too have family that want to know why I'm not going to things when I don't feel like going, so I usually have a few little white lies up my sleeve as I wouldn’t want to hurt them. They don't understand mental health issues or 'burnout', and the reason I don't want to go is nothing personal. I used to stew on the guilt but now I don't waste the negative energy. I'm not a bad person, but sometimes we all need to take some self care. We need to stay home, stay warm, chilled and cozy and start again with a reboot. I know I need downtime to survive and be happy. I do think you a are a little depressed though so please see your GP. Also, could you look to get work and take some driving lessons in the future? The less we have to depend upon others, the more freedom we have.

Swipe left for the next trending thread