Coping with narcissistic mother

[GlitteringUnicorn]

My mother is a narcissist- it took me 40 years to work this out and it has had a deep impact on every aspect of my life. Everything becomes about her (think my first boyfriend, my wedding, a miscarriage and even the birth of my first child). I could write a book but I now try and have minimal contact but endure a weekly phone call out of duty and see her maybe 6 times a year maximum for the sake of peace and her continuing relationship with my children.

It is my father's significant birthday next week and whilst I love him very much and he was a good father I am not blind to the fact he never stood up to her poor and controlling behaviour.
What he wants most is to spend the week all together as a family (10 of us in total) in a big holiday house in Cornwall. I have organised this and whilst partly looking forward to it am absolutely dreading a week with my mother. It is already quickly becoming about her- where and what we can do, what we will be eating and her even vetoing certain presents for him because she doesn't like them when I know he would.
Anyway- wise ones of Mumsnet- I want this to be a pleasant week for my father. Ideally no scene and would like my kids and husband to have a nice week too.
So I need your best tips on how to get through the week- I have packed my headphones and books as an obvious "blank it out look" I can adopt from time to time and will go for long walks and breathe and count to 10 lots but I am still scared I will crack and bite!
Help

My sister does this and it does seem to work. I think not explaining is really valid because there’s less for the narcissist to question and rip apart x

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain youve decsribed it to a T! Having a glass of rose in your honour :)

🍷

Cheers!

Oh my god I am struggling.
She does not shut up ever and has a
controlling opinion on everything- I mean everything.

What I am wearing
What my children are wearing
My husband going for an hour's run
What we are eating
Where we are going
The table has to be laid just so/plates warmed
Had a hissy fit I served milk from the carton and not a "milk jug" FFS
She has written a list of activities
She is holding court on everything
And don't even mention politics!

Yesterday I had an analysis on my hair- I cracked and said I wasn't taking styling advice from her nor had I asked for it. Cue tears and then I felt guilty.

I think the thing that pisses me off the most is she says "your father and I think that......" which is complete nonsense he has no view on most things and she uses it as a statement of power or simply assumes he agrees with everything. He's so deaf there is no way he actually knows what is going on.

I took myself off to watch Bridgerton on my iPad yesterday evening and had comments about watching "trash"

To be honest it's my husband and brother in law who I feel most sorry for as they watch their wives get increasingly frustrated.

My sister chose not to have children as she has told me she could not bear the worry she might parent like my mother. Yes- that's how bad she is!

Isn't there a program called How I Killed My Mother... Maybe worth a watch in her company. Haven't seen my dm for best part of 24 years.. I am an adult and too old to tolerate bullying..
Aren't you op?

Killing them is not even a solution to prob - they will still impact negatively on your life 👍☘️ you have my sympathy

As one child of a narcissist to another (it took me a similar amount of time to work it out too), please prioritise your sanity. She will no doubt do an excellent job at guilt tripping and make it seem like you’ve done something wrong, but make the choices that protect you and stick with them. Any tears are her issue. Your dad is a grown man and either knows what she’s like or believes she’s perfect (as my dad does with my mum) so it won’t matter anyway. You won’t win anyway so do what is right for you, not her. It took me a long time to get to that realisation and life is so much calmer now. I realise the tears aren’t the tears of a normal person so shouldn’t be treated as such. The best of luck!

Cue tears and then I felt guilty.

Sheer manipulation.

Have you tried grey rocking her?

Rough!

and give your dad some grace. He may be blinded by love, or tried in the past and got out right down, or is basically a victim of borderline abuse like you.

my husband has a horrendous family, and trying to get him to heal a bit so it doesn’t become generational, while not shattering his childhood is soooo tricky.

anyway. Coping with mother.

• don’t tell her the presents.
• accomidations already booked? If not I’d suggest separate houses.
• food and controlling. Can you say hey we will take care of Sunday if you can take care of Saturday? Then she gets a whole day and you do.

i do understand wanting to know the plans! Otherwise everyone just spots there staring at one another. But I like just putting a family in charge of certain days.

and yeah just use those kids as human shields! As long as you aren’t traumatizing them too! ‘Oh buddy you’re bored - let’s go for a walka’- then run before mother figures it out. Try and drag your dad out too.

sorry. Read more.

ok just let it roll off. hair. The delightful trash that is bridgerton.

but the your dad and I think! Drag his def ass into the conversation. ‘Hey dad, mom just told me you think my hair is too fluffy, what’s up with that’.

and the tears you’re going to have to ignore. Keep calling her on her shit.

This is my MIL! 30 years of her shit and now she's starting on my DD .... this is where I've gone mumma bear and put my foot down. I'd happily not see her , FIL is also an enabler - we keep them at arms length and dont see them then apparently 'we're keeping our grandchildren away from them ' our children can't stand being around them - grey rock for me, have been for years but not if she starts on my kids 🤬🤬🤬

Yes grey rock good I use that. As you say comments on everything.@GlitteringUnicorn what age is she.

77

Well she's pulled it out of the bag

A friend of hers has committed suicide over the weekend and she has just heard

Yes this is very sad

But this isn't a particularly close friend and one she hasn't seen for a number of years. Needless to say the whole morning had been about her grief. I realise I sound harsh but she never wastes any opportunity to use someone else's tragedy to her advantage.

Taking the kids out surfing in the rain to escape.

Without wanting to get too personal, and please do not take this as a criticism because it is not, but it feels like you haven’t fully accepted that your mother is a narcissist and will not change.

This can be devastating for the child of a narcissist because ultimately we all need our mother’s love, approval and support - we seek it out - but the child of a narcissist will never get it.

This women will never look at you and say “what a wonderful dinner thank you”, “you look great today”, “great idea let’s do that”, or “Bridgerton - yes please - let’s watch it together with a glass of bubbly!” For the avoidance of doubt you deserve someone to say these things to you.

It feels like the feelings you describe are still raw to you, and that you are shocked and/or upset that she continues to treat you so badly. You seem to be going to great lengths to placate her or possibly to get her approval. You’re having “intimate” conversations with her. You don’t need to tell her what you’re watching on the iPad. You don’t have to entertain conversations about your appearance.

After this week I would thoroughly recommend some therapy - there is nothing wrong or disordered with you - but being brought up by a narcissist can be a form of abuse. It can be helpful to work through some of the complex feelings that you’re left with and learn ways of feeling less powerless and vulnerable when you are being belittled or manipulated into doing something you don’t want to do or being told your feelings are wrong or invalid.

Sending love to you OP during this particularly difficult week, from the person who occasionally caves and calls her mother for support (and never gets it) x

My friend gave me an excellent tip: count the insults. It takes the sting out of them and makes them neutral, and you can share the best ones and laugh about them later.

Weirdly she doesn't do insults- just makes everything about her and manipulates.

As a teenager/young woman she certainly didn't want me to look better than her (I see that now with how controlling she was about what I wore/make up etc). She was weirdly vicarious/excessively nosey about potential boyfriends to the extent I said no to all until I left home and then at uni kept them quiet. Sex was a guilty sin!

Goodness! I'm glad you can see it and articulate it now. I wish you well on what sounds like a very challenging week!

I know it is a hard thing to get your head around but she wasn't always like this. She was once a young child/girl/woman who learnt this behaviour from her own parents as being the correct way to be - and they would have learnt in the same way from earlier generations.

Be glad that this has stopped with you and give her your understanding, if you can. Her life must be very unhappy and she doesn't know why.

She is doing insults though, the hair comments, the Bridgerton trash comment, the milk carton one etc they're all criticisms and insults. Everything you do is not as good as her.
If you can't always grey rock and do need to engage follow her example and speak as a unit for you and your husband/family " we think/like/want" or
"we all think/like/want". She thinks using someone else to validate her opinions gives weight to them so do the same back to her if necessary.
Do advise you're sister brother in law and husband what you're at though in case they start to worry you're turning into her.

I feel your pain, its like you've described my mother.

You need to tough up. One of 2 things will happen she will realise she is going to be denied access to her DGC if she keeps on OR she will stop wanting to see you. Both better than now. Yes there will be mardy arse tantrums - you will have had them from your small DC so you know to ignore and be firm.
You "We're having some sandwiches, who wants one"
Mother "You can't do that, the bread is for the morning and no one will be ready for dinner at 6.30" or whatever bullshit
Stop - look at her, smile and say "Yeah, I don't care about any of that, I'll make sure there is some left for you, don't have a tantrum" laugh "Dad, do you want a ham sandwich"
Your DC will learn not to pander to idiocy which is also great.

Re the hair
"yeah, look we have different styles ok, I really really do not want my hair like yours" laugh
Brigerton
"I love a bit of trash, like you love that boring stuff you watch, give it a rest will you you're spoiling my show"