Coping with narcissistic mother

[GlitteringUnicorn]

My mother is a narcissist- it took me 40 years to work this out and it has had a deep impact on every aspect of my life. Everything becomes about her (think my first boyfriend, my wedding, a miscarriage and even the birth of my first child). I could write a book but I now try and have minimal contact but endure a weekly phone call out of duty and see her maybe 6 times a year maximum for the sake of peace and her continuing relationship with my children.

It is my father's significant birthday next week and whilst I love him very much and he was a good father I am not blind to the fact he never stood up to her poor and controlling behaviour.
What he wants most is to spend the week all together as a family (10 of us in total) in a big holiday house in Cornwall. I have organised this and whilst partly looking forward to it am absolutely dreading a week with my mother. It is already quickly becoming about her- where and what we can do, what we will be eating and her even vetoing certain presents for him because she doesn't like them when I know he would.
Anyway- wise ones of Mumsnet- I want this to be a pleasant week for my father. Ideally no scene and would like my kids and husband to have a nice week too.
So I need your best tips on how to get through the week- I have packed my headphones and books as an obvious "blank it out look" I can adopt from time to time and will go for long walks and breathe and count to 10 lots but I am still scared I will crack and bite!
Help

i wouldn’t want my children around this woman

You have my sympathy OP. My dad is the same. Vile man. I can barely be around him and we’re actually NC now which is fine by me.

Do what suits you and works for you. If she gets irked by it then tough. Your dad knows what she’s like and if she was a better mother then you wouldn’t feel like this. Don’t let her ruin your time with other family members. Good luck

Buy your Dad what you know he will like for his birthday! It is his birthday not your mums so treat your dad (especially as he has to put up with her full time! He deserves things he will like!). Is your mum like it with your siblings? But just be polite, use your headphones, read your book and have a glass of wine with it!

First of all don't run anything apart from the absolute necessaries by her. Don't tell her what you're buying your dad for a present - that's just between you and him.
What does your dad say when your mum is making a scene or making the day all about her? Can you speak to him in advance and say that you really don't want that to happen for him so that he knows you're aware?

"MOTHER!!! THIS ISN'T ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT. IT IS DAD'S BIRTHDAY TREAT, SO WE DO WHAT HE WANTS, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP."

You could always try shouting at her as a last resort.

I have a mother like this and I wouldn’t go but just pop in for cake. Last minute crisis (make something up) will solve this.

I know how you feel

I am NC with my narcissistic DM. I learnt from bitter experience never to spend time with her ever again.

I can only suggest focussing your time and energy with other family members during that week and greyrock your DM as much as possible.

Not much advice, OP, but sympathy.
I'm child free, but my mother is also a raging narcissist and it took me about 42 years to work it out.
Everything about herself and brutally putting people down, kids no exception.
Last time I saw her (in another country) was
5 years ago and I'm not in a rush to visit.
My late father's mental health was absolutely screwed by her.
Waiting for her to disappear. 😐

Thanks everyone.
It's going okay so far- I have had to button my mouth a few times.
The real problem is my father has now become very very deaf which means she has even more control over him and situations.
I know that food will become a real battle this week with her dictating when and what we eat. My childless sister and husband just took themselves off to a cafe yesterday- inspired so will follow suit today! Will keep you posted.

My full sympathy for you. My best advice is to anticipate that conflict will occur, but see if you can make the best of it/get over it once it does. There will be ruptures but also there will be repair. Do what you need to do to protect yourself. Good luck.

If your DF won't stand up for himself I wouldn't step into that fight, he chooses to be with her.
Just roll with it lets her dominate his food choices.
Take yourself and family out for long walks/cafe/beach combing and just be pleasant but distant.
Try and grab some time with your DF when DM isn't around or suggest a stroll in the evening and sneak to the local pub.

Oh sorry I read that as dictating what he eats.
It's hard with kids because they expect food at certain times. Just have to be blunt and say well the kids will be starving by X time so you go ahead DM and we will eat earlier, have a nice evening.
Or do what my SIL did once and just rock up back at the house having eaten chippy chips and just say you aren't eating out this evening.
I think you have to out blunt her but in a jolly way so it doesn't come across as rude.
"Oh the kids were desperate for chips so we all had some, they were delicious"

Book a nearby soft play/ cinema depending on your kids ages and a meal out for you and other half with your parents babysitting! X

I have a narcissistic mother so everything you wrote rings true.

I read this book recently, which has some good techniques to deal with it:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Narcissistic-Mothers-How-Heal-Them-ebook/dp/B0D4S1XXJK/ref=mpssa111?crid=MZBYNX7WI1KA&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.dlq9jOFT558clZIsU0IBHpvNYSdYg1yZeYeAdiUAXjIy6YhRde2vOn5U6HlDh0kV0jhkKDCEoModOWNHB9ap0qmdKctjRHgoxmDyJyL7LQiQ5pxYhgWxhDntvd7WQ9axpOoFSPSZZtTj8TfdKSZF5f6dy0JrrrxMiefy9c7eZR1EKU0bdGOiIYdum6-s3qyxiXg021yPbQLST-n9C9Mg.FrcS8eXfvZFTZForGou3AMWzDgKKtmgGUXh9MRl7-Y&dibb_tag=se&keywords=narcissistic+mothers+and+how+to+heal+from+them&qid=1716734170&sprefix=narcissistic+mothers+and+how+to+heal+from+them%2Caps%2C73&sr=8-1

I don't have any narcissistic family members, but despite that, family holidays are challenging because we tend to pull against each other. Too many leaders in our pack. The most important thing is that the smaller family units break off and do their own thing from time to time. You don't have to do everything together.

Please don't leave your dc unsupervised with her..
And buy gifts your df will love.. Maybe a voucher for a good divorce lawyer?

I would go for just a few days only. A week is much too long op. The longer you are there the harder it will get. Do some lovely things with your Dad and take the children out all the time. Leave asap.

It is very difficult to stand up to a narcissist because you have to be ready for the drama. I have realised since my dad died why he let my mum get away with everything. She controlled his food too which was heartbreaking in his final years. I used to sneak treats in for him. The only advice I can offer is to take deep breaths, ignore the horrible comments (unless they are directed at your children) and find ways of maintaining a physical distance, like having lots of trips out.

I feel hypocritical giving any advice as I have not been able to crack this one myself!

any slight push back to my mother brings on exaggerated blinking and tears!

holidays are a nightmare because she and my dad have a mental picture of how it should go and they get annoyed when it doesn’t pan out like that.

I don’t do family holidays anymore. I did find a book and headphones help - walks alone, time apart. Walking away when you feel like you are going to get in an argument.

I highly recommend cutting contact. Best thing I ever did!

I learnt a lot from watching how my brother in law dealt with a similar person in the family . Wh ile the rest of us fell into the trap of either running around like idiots pandering to her and doing almost anything to avoid 'upset', or going to the other extreme of massive nuclear level fallouts, he just tootled along, smiled and nodded and continued doing exactly what he wanted. I think they call it grey rocking. He never ran anything past her, he never consulted her or asked for her opinion or input, if she volunteered her usual strident commands masked as lovign advice on his life and his choices hed give an absent minded smile but never comment or commit to her desires or commands....he almost played the village idiot and just went ahead and completely disregarded her, if shs threw a strop hed just look at her in complete amazement, he never apologised or explained himself, but carried on on his peaceful 'selfish' way.....it worked a treat. she never did figure out how to manipulate him or bend him to her will.

I’m glad it’s going well OP. I’d really recommend setting some boundaries and sticking to them. You may not have a say over what the whole group does but you are in control of what you do and your children are your and your husband’s responsibility. Therefore you cook for your children what and when you think is best (you’re not making your parents join in but you’re not letting them dictate what’s happening with everyone else). No big group will want to do the same things all the time so go out with your family unit from time to time and meet up with the others later. Make sure you look after yourself too - make space for yourself, go and get a manicure or go for a coffee with a book - you whatever you like doing. Go to bed early if you want to. Ask your husband to support you and spell out what that looks like. When you feel like you are being manipulated or your mum is pushing your buttons - stand calm and stand firm. Good luck x

You’re braver than me. Could never have stood spending even 24 hours with my mother.
All I can suggest is you laugh , a lot. She doesn’t like one of his gifts? Ha ha, that’s lucky we didn’t buy it for you, Mum. She doesn’t want x meal? No worries mum, make yourself a sandwich/ there’s salad. We’ll all have x meal.

Hope it goes ok.

Good to tip your husband off & think ahead to potential flashpoints. Rehearse words or phrases, genuinely practice them so they’re at the front of your thinking if you’re triggered in any way.
A daily self care something.. plan ahead again; a bath, half an hour with your book etc
start as you mean to go on so set expectations. Eg have a your small family time every morning & come together for dinner/ evening. Share rotas.
Sadly to get through there’s bound to be some placating. I’ve always found pouring mine extra strong gin helpful.
Good luck & remember it will come & it will go 💐

I used to do that with my grandmother. She took a great deal of pleasure in seeing how much she could upset people and get them arguing with each other, and I'd worked out by the age of 8 that she didn't much like me anyway. So I made no effort to engage with her when she was on one of her 'I'm the matriarch here' power plays. What your BIL did was pretty much what I did - smile, nod, don't engage and don't show you're upset even if you are.

A beneficial side effect was sitting there watching her get more and more enraged that she couldn't wind me up.