What does being emotionally present for your children look like?

[worriedmama24]

Please be kind as I am genuinely looking for advice.

I have two children 7&5. They are happy and have everything they need in terms of physical possessions and they are enrolled into activities/ clubs.

My concern is that I am not emotionally present with them. I have complex health issues and debilitating fatigue and as the day goes on it's a real struggle.

Some years ago I saw a therapist and she unpicked my childhood and said that my parents were emotionally unavailable. I'm so worried I'm doing the same to them ☹️

When they come home from school and outside of their clubs, they usually do their own thing for a bit. Our schedule is quite hectic so I do feel they need this down time.

We usually talk about their day on the way home from school and at bedtime they have my undivided attention. But apart from that? I'm not sure. My younger dc is very chatty so I'm often in conversation with him throughout the evening but the older dc is generally quieter.

There are no major concerns per se except that I do feel my older child suffers from low self esteem. He had a severe speech disorder and was unintelligible when younger but he has come along mountains and is much clearer although still has some sounds to work on. I feel he is aware of this as he's now 7 and this has impacted his self esteem.

Your kids need you to be ok with your own emotions and ok with theirs.
Can they express anger / sadness / excitement / happiness to you without being rejected?
Do you help them find language and expression for the whole emotional spectrum they experience?
Do they hear you talk about your feelings and see you express and manage emotion?
Do you show them warmth, affection, and interest?
Do you have longer periods of interacting at the weekends, when they aren't at school? Do you enjoy them - like genuinely enjoy their company and doing stuff together?

When they are sad what do you do?

Ditto for angry etc.

Emotionally unavailable people are not able to accept the discomfort of others. They ignore it or move past it.

Example - don't cry it's not a big graze
No need to be angry, have a chocolate to feel better
It's not my fault I was late, stop crying

Emotionally available people accept that the child is experiencing these emotions. They might help them move on but will be able to sit with them for a bit.

Example:

I'm sorry you're sad. Can you tell me more
About it?
That looks like anger. I'd be angry too if I was you.

I worry about the same thing, so it's not just you @worriedmama24 , in case that helps!

I think what emotionally unavailable means is that you deal with your kids in a practical way without much showing how much you care for them - so your interaction is mostly instructions or comments rather than revealing your feelings about things.

I'm a single mum with a busy job and lively kids and I get very weary...and then I feel bad that I'm not there for them in the way I should be, or that I'm trying to finish work and don't make time to be with them as soon as they get home. So I try and do things like always put down my phone when they come to talk to me about something, and definitely don't pick it up in the middle of a conversation with them. Also when they are excited about something, I do my best to join in, or to show concern and understanding when they are sad. And sometimes it's just about cuddles, no words needed.

I have also found that when I join with what they're playing with - lego, sometimes gaming (which I hate!) or drawing - they are delighted and we really feel connected; they love it that I am getting into something that they love, even if I am rubbish at it!

I'm sure you're doing just fine, the fact that you're even worrying about it shows that you are a good mum...if you were emotionally unavailable it wouldn't even have crossed your mind to think about it.

Thank you all, this is really helpful and also reassuring. I do try to sit them through emotions rather than shutting them down and also model that it's ok to be sad etc at times. If I'm frustrated for example il say I'm just going to take a minute and then I'll come back and explain what happened.

It's so hard balancing all the different elements of parenting though isn't it, I just think I don't have the energy for it sometimes because I'm so worn down by the physical element of parenting. Thanks again I'll re-read and take any notes on what I can improve on.

Remember you don’t have to be perfect 100% if the time.