If you're a single parent going through the motions of Disney dad syndrome, this may help you. I'm out of the woods now and I can honestly say my years of frustration, sadness and anger on my sons behalf are over. I put in the effort and I'm reaping the benefits of an extremely loving and supportive relationship with my son who has he's getting older I'm not just proud to say his my son, but someone I've raised who I'd proudly call my friend also.
Or if you're a stepparent doing the job of another person, I see you!
If you're where I was, this may help you see the light at the end of the tunnel, I hope it does. Keep going. Even when it feels pointless. It isn't.
I've wanted to share this for a while, but didn't want to be to premature, but I'm confident now we're heading towards my son being an adult, that things here are worth every last drop of energy I poured into my child.
When I was a single mum to a young DC my ex, dcs dad, would pop in and out his life. Very sporadically.
I used mcdonalds as opposed to Disney because mcdonalds and pizza were his go to. He didn't do anything child focused.
He didn't bother with birthday or Christmas gifts. Because mum dealt with it. Yet despite this, the more his dad rejected him, the more dc wanted his dad.
He never bought a uniform. A pair of trainers. Not once. But his stepdad did. He also bought his prom suit. Took him to a real taylor for the experience.
His dad didn't put a tenner towards that suit. Never complemented his picture of him I sent him in it.
He also never asked a single friends' name. Not one single friend could he name. My husband and I have them all staying over regularly.
Ex never took his dc the park, swimming, soft play, to see a film dc wanted to see, he never took him to a party, to play sport. Never cared about who his favourite superheroes were. Never went the zoo, the beach, never did a museum.
He mocked his own dc's music tastes instead of showing an interest. Because his son was a young kid and my ex was an insufferable music snob.
He didn't care what subjects he took.
Took no interest in his dc's hobbies, passions, journey with health and fitness.
Didn't ask his first girlfriends name.
Wasn't interested in his future career. Still isn't truth be told, even now we're looking into unis. But his stepdad tutored him every night, sat with him until he passed his gcses. Showered him with praise and took humongous pride in his achievements. We both did.
However his own dad, didn't care about anything his child could offer the world, his kindness, humour, wonderfully unusual and calmly nature.
Yet his child wanted him, so much.
Then one day the consistent, reliable and interested parent I am heard my dc singing a song I used to sing to him when he was wee, the mum who would show an interest in his Ed sheeran phase without ridicule is now the parent who shares playlists with him and taught him his first 5 chords on guitar, despite his dad being a musician, as well as teaching him to make cakes from scratch to impress his first girlfriend. I'm shit at playing guitar and baking, but I still try. For my son.
We plan to go to Glastonbury together in a few years. Just us two.
His stepdad just bought a ton of driving books etc to teach him to drive. His father can drive, does drive, just wouldn't even occurr to him to share this experience together.
When dc needs to discuss sex, body issues, things traditionally lads would discuss with their dads, he talks to me. No embarrassment, no weird atmosphere, just trust in the parent who taught him to look at an elbow during a high 5 and to aim for the red ball when pissing in a toilet. His mum.
When he discovers new bands, places he wants to go to, food he wants to try, clothes he likes the look of, his friends dramas or his own, girl trouble, career advice, learning to navigate budgeting, needing a cuddle, anything and everything, he never once has discussed those things with his dad. They're things he shares with me. His dad hasn't given him a cuddle since he was 2 years old. He hugs his stepdad regularly. They discuss films and shows. They enjoy grabbing a burger and gaming together. My husbands family have taken DC on as their eldest grandchild and adore him. My husbands newer friends and colleagues have no idea he's a stepparent and they seem just like dad and lad.
He loves his birth dad, but isn't upset any longer by his lack of interest. Accepts dad is selfish and he is just happy he has parents who he has a good relationship with.
I took the bad for a long time. A child upset that his dad didn't turn up on his weekend without notice. An upset little boy who just wanted a dad to care about things he cared about, but didn't.
But I showed up every time.
I listened to his Favourite songs, watched the shows he loved, cared what colours he wanted his room, made his favourite dinners, did every single dentist, doctors, teacher appointment.
Sometimes it felt so thankless, I'd put in every effort I could and then his dad would show up after 6 weeks, take him the drive thru for a happy meal and he'd be the dogs bollocks for the next month.
And it was so worth it for the relationship we now have. To have my almost adult son send me playlists, podcasts, recipes he wants to cook, he sometimes pops the shop of an evening and brings me home my favourite drink or a bar of chocolate for his stepdad. When his best friend passed his driving test they brought my husband and I home fancy Starbucks hot chocolates, sat with us and told us their plans. (Some were frankly ridiculous, but it's still lovely to be in the loop!)
If you're still at the stage of a child thinking a useless parent is wonderful, when you're doing the mundane, keep going. If your weekends are spent nursing the broken heart of a child with a no show as a parent, keep going.
If your child or stepchild is angry with you for the actions of their Disney parent, or mcdonalds one in our case, keep going.
I can't speak for everyone, I've been lucky I imagine, but every weekend I just wanted a lie in and to not be prepping a picnic for a mardy little lad who just wanted his father, was worth it.
I see you and I'm hopeful one day you as I am now, feel tremendous pleasure in the relationship you and your dc has.
I wish you all the very best x