How long did your friendship break-up take to get over?

[Sunpol]

My best friend of 15 years stopped speaking to me almost 3 years ago and I still miss her almost daily. I don't know what happened, I tried to ask her but she didn't reply, I tried to call but she wouldn't pick up. I know she had a tough time during covid lockdowns, a family bereavement, some money worries etc so assumed the stress had got to her and she'd be in touch when she felt ready. She didn't get in touch.
I tried to reach out one last time 18 months ago, it didn't work she changed her number. I know she still lives in the same house but I never turned up on her doorstep becaus she'd made it quite clear she didn't want to know me.

I miss her very much. When I drive past her street or see something she'd like I well up. I'm a grown woman, surely I should be over this by now? Don't think I'll ever be over it.

Mine ghosted me in 2017 and I'd say it's only now that I feel fine with it. So seven years!

When was the last time you saw her? For example went away etc? Anything that triggered this?

I was ghosted ten years ago. I still think about her and, however unlikely it is, I would react positively if she contacted me. A wise friend said I knew too much about a terrible situation she found herself in and through which we had helped her.

Mine was 8 years ago and I'm still pretty angry about it to be honest. I tried multiple times for a couple of years to get to bottom of what was wrong but he wasn't clear. He got back in touch about 2 years ago and asked to meet but then I realised he wanted me to apologise - I still didn't understand what for!

Still hurts but partly because he did it at a time I was really low and it cost me my whole friendship group (who I knew through him).

I lost a few close friends from 2008-2013. I can’t remember when the hurt stopped, but I’m definitely ok now. I think it took a few years after each fall out to stop feeling a twinge of hurt when I’d see their profiles pop up on a mutuals social media.

I think I behaved quite badly in one of those friendship break ups and I did email them a belated apology about 6 years later. I dunno if that was the right thing to do but I closed that email account shortly after and never bothered them again. They also behaved badly but it was more retaliation I guess. Either way I had no wish to rekindle the friendship or anything so I didn’t expect or hang about looking for a reply or anything, but do sincerely wish them all the best and rarely think of her or any of them nowadays unless I’m super bored lol

I imagine it’s because you don’t have closure to the situation OP, I wonder if you could write her a letter? Ask for closure on the situation.

I think this is a good explanation. I helped a friend who lived in the same road with lots of support in childcare, getting her a new job and being there when she went through an awful menopause. The outcome was, to be ghosted. Occasionally we were at the same social event. I’d smile say hello and move on. Eventually at such an event years later, she came over and apologised and want to be friends again. I cautiously agreed, but she didn’t ever get in touch. I’ve moved now.

I also lost a few friends during the first year or so of the pandemic , they began to downplay the recent success I’d had in my creative career which they know means a lot to me.

Those ones hurt me more than the ones I lost back in 2012 era because they were people I’d know for 10-18 years who it now appeared were only comfortable with me if I wasn’t doing “too” well.

And when I say downplay, they couldn’t have made it more obvious. Like I’m talking about a friend who stopped talking mid text conversation when I told my news about a contract I’d signed. She’d been asking for updates all along but now I see she was just keeping tabs on me to make sure I hadn’t achieved my goals yet. I thought maybe she’d fallen asleep during the text chat but She ignored me for months and when she did text me again she was talking about something else and added a forced “oh hope achievement is going well” at the end of the text as if it was something minor. And no explicit well done or congrats I’m so happy for you.

It was quite shocking to me as I’d always cheered them all on. I think she thought I was a bit dim and wouldn't have noticed so she texted me again a couple of times after that but I just never replied again . I’m sure she eventually got the message as I’m a “good” texter.

It took me a few years to get over all that too.

I’m just glad that I still have so many great genuine and supportive friends left . I was a massive social butterfly in my 20s and I developed so many friendships, so I guess it makes sense that not all of them were going to last.

I lost a good friend in 2007 and I’m still gutted about it to be honest. We lived together at Uni and had a real laugh.

Your friend sounds like my friend who ghosted me almost 3 years ago! I was in denial about it for about 6 months, followed by feeling sad/angry, and then I've only started feeling better about it all this year. I never got closure or any sort of explanation and that made it even worse. I do still think of her a lot and part of me fantasises that I'll walk around a corner in town and find her stood there and we'll be friends again, but then the rational side of me says I couldn't possibly be friends with someone who ghosted me like that. I suppose I'm not over it completely as I always click on these sorts of posts, but I've learned to accept it.

I had a couple of mum friends, we’d been friends a couple of years, saw each other at least once a week, sometimes more. I considered them to be very good friends.
I fucked up and behaved poorly although it wasn’t aimed at them specifically, it affected them. I was in a bad place but it wasn’t okay although it wasn’t imo worth completely casting me out. I apologised profusely but they just never really spoke to me again. That was really hard for me, I cried about that A LOT. It probably took a year before I stopped beating myself up over it and could think about it without feeling so deeply hurt but I still miss them sometimes. It was about three years ago now.
It’s really hard to lose a friend and I’m so sorry this happened to you, particularly as it was a much longer-term relationship.

The same situation as me OP, same timeline too. It's awful, isn't it? I have absolutely no idea what was behind it either which makes it even worse.

My lifelong best friend did this after we got into our mid twenties. Clearly our lives wen in different directions and I moved away after university but I tried and tried to keep us going. After some time the 'I'm so rubbish at keeping in touch' messages stopped feeling true and one night she promised to call me (I was always the one who called) and she never did. I waited for years and years and went though upset, anger and hurt but had sworn it was the last time I'd be the one to reach out. A few years went by and at another old friends wedding I heard she had asked after me and sent her phone number. I still had her number saved which said to me that she must have deleted mine and it felt like she was putting the ball in my court again so I never called. I did assume one day we'd cross oaths as proper grown ups and everything would be back like old times but I got a nasty shock when another mutual friend told me she had died suddenly a couple of years ago. That sent me on a spiral of all these emotions again and I was questioning my own self and if I should have done more. Guilt basically. Things we had missed out on. I'm at peace with it all now but so still feel sadness as she was like a sister to me for so long. I do wish I had had real closure.

It's happening to me now, and it hurts a lot.

A fairly complicated friendship unfortunately and I guess the other party has decided they're not here for it any more.

I'm sad. I miss them a lot. But the clarity of it being over is less painful (just) than the confusion of being in limbo.

It happened during the first lockdown and three years of grieving is what it took, a period in which I made more efforts with my existing relationships, which helped. She got in touch six months ago out of the blue, no apology, and we occasionally send slightly stilted messages, but things can’t ever be the same again. I got pretty emotional shortly after she got back in touch, but realised it was because I miss having someone in my life I have lots of things in common with, rather than missing her. She also occasionally works in my city, but I have little interest in meeting up with her and she hasn’t initiated a meet up. This was a friendship of more than thirty years.

Happened to me a few years ago. I tried a couple of times to reach out but was thwarted, so I moved on. Her loss. Silly mare cut herself off from a whole group of us at the same time, as none of us prioritised her birthday coffee ( midweek, middle of the day, and WE all work unlike her).

@wheeltrims that’s a sad story but I’m glad you feel at peace over it now and you can just think of the happy memories you made!

You definitely shouldn’t feel guilty - you were a good friend to her by the sounds of it. It was perfectly reasonable to not let the one sided friendship continue as it was and to stop chasing her.

I used to feel guilty and completely responsible for friendships that had died due to lack of communication until one day, it dawned on me that the other person could also contact me!

I was ghosted by a friend who I originally met at an anti natal class.

We had been friends for 12 years when she just stopped contacting me. I had supported her through a messy divorce and subsequent relationship with a work friend.

She confided that her DH was a serial cheat ( endless one night stands and an affair with a neighbour when she was expecting.) I didn't judge- I listened, I supported, I didn't gossip, I told no one.

Then she got back with him and they remarried. Her DCs were unaware of this.

Her DCs started a new school and she clearly thought I knew too much to risk meeting her new
mum friends. Despite claiming I was a true friend, she dropped me like a hot brick. So much for loyalty...

So similar - my dc god mother left all social media and ghosted me. I’m still in touch with her adult dc but she clearly doesn’t want to know me. I was there through her dh’s multiple affairs but she moved on (with him) to a new town and we stayed in touch but then nothing. I wondered if he’d had another affair but I think overall I knew too much. I miss her.

another friend and I ghosted each other (only person I’ve done it to). I’ve no idea what I did to upset her but she came over for a cup of tea during covid when you could have a person in your house and bragged about her new job (great she was happy and earning good money), announced she wouldn’t get out of bed for my salary (I’m happy with my salary which is above average and I’m proud of what I do), and gave me her family update then left. I shut the door and said to dh “yep, that friendship is done - months since I’ve seen her due to covid and she didn’t once ask how I am.”

I was ghosted by my best friend from school, I stayed in touch with her for six years after we left school then she just ghosted me, still don’t know why. Took my a couple of years to get over it.

@Crepester thank you. It's a dawning realisation that you're always the one chasing and it's hard to accept that it really is just one sided. I guess for me she just moved on but it was certainly more of a struggle for me. More so as we no longer lived close by.

I do still get sad from time to time knowing I will never ever be able to speak to her again now she's gone. Maybe I never would have anyway, who knows.

Peace is hard to find, we're all human but some relationships are just worth more to some of us than others. Getting there is painful.

I had a shocker of a 50th birthday. A party that I didn't want. Most guests I didn't care for. Work and life were off the chart stressful in the weeks leading up to birthday. I was exhausted. I shared with my friend in the week leading up to the party how much I was struggling.

Party came and went. I survived. As I was going to bed 10pm; it was a Sunday. (Oh and I had yo be online for work at 5am the next morning) I got this text.....

"So got to say it, today was so fucking hard to look at all them people that knew me before, <new husband> came and knew no one, it took you all your time to talk to either of us, I know that there was a lot of people but you managed to spend your time with <another friend who knew no one>, I don’t give a shit who are your friends as I always saw that we were equal but today you made me feel like I was there to make numbers up, I understand that life moves on and <that friend > has been your friend for years, I love you Brassica, today was about you as it should be and everyone was fantastic but found it really hard that every time I came to talk to you you had someone better to talk to xxx"

And she's not spoken to me since!! I'm furious and sad at the same time. That was over a year ago.

I did respond saying I was sorry she felt like that but also that she was very wrong.