Sensitive: Living with neurodivergent family and struggling.

[SpiderSparer]

I’m a mother with 3 DC and a husband. All 3 of the DC and my DH have diagnosed ASD.
As the DC have aged (now 1 teen and 2 tweens) I’m finding it more and more difficult to live with them.

Our DC are loved and well cared for, but all of their conflicting needs mean there’s at least one person unhappy at any given time.

The thing I find hardest is the differences in forms of communication, literal thinking and the way DC express themselves. There’s a lot of shouting or meltdowns in our household. Sometimes these can be de escalated quickly but other times they can escalate until at least two people have triggered each other and are in meltdown.

Our lives have always been like this but as we are having to downsize our current home (detached and rural) to a terraced home in a built up area , I’m becoming increasingly anxious about the impact this will have on our neighbours in our new home. As a result of this worry, I’m becoming resentful, particularly towards DH who is so abrupt and straight thinking , he can’t see past himself and how this is affecting me.

I’ve tried to talk to him about this many times but he doesn’t grasp the issue. I feel sick with worry that we’re going to end up with noise complaints or that our new neighbours are going to despise us. We move next week.

One DC has already been upset this morning and DH became stressed and my first thought was I can’t do this anymore. I’m having serious thoughts of moving to a house myself and leaving them to it (I wouldn’t).

Can others share any reassuring advice?

by any measure Op

this sounds very very stressful

no advice but you have my sympathy

will the move to the small terraced house involve any of the DC bedroom sharing?

how old are the teens? any heading off to uni soon?

I would take over some flowers or wine or chocs to the new neighbours, introduce yourself and let them know you have ASD children. People may be more sympathetic than you expect. I would certainly not despise anyone with ND family, and I would put up with a fair bit.

You are doing the best you can, with a very hard job.

@greenbeansrock None of the DC will need to share a room (it would be an impossibility). I’ll gladly take your sympathy, thank you.

@KateMiskin I have considered that option but then thought I may set up ill feeling before we’ve settled. I was hoping to casually mention when we meet them, but I think your approach might be better.

Well, rightly speaking, they should be welcoming you with muffins! It's a hard situation. I don't think you should be feeling too anxious. I live in a flat and I put up with noise from small children at times. It's all a part of living in a community.

I hope you get some time to yourself occasionally. Teens are tough. From experience, they get better.

so it’s at least 4 bedrooms? won’t be that small then!

how is DH at managing these situations?

Very difficult.

I can only suggest groundrules between you, places to escape to, and a culture where everyone is allowed to go off by themselves as long as they need to. Get a toolkit of defusing strategies and get people on board with just giving each each other space and walking away.

Are there any ways you could create extra alone spaces? A swinging hammock in the garden, a summer house kind of thing, someone building a habit of a walk after dinner. Some people find getting up before anyone else can give them a bit of headspace. Come together for easy rituals like pizza and TV but let people leave as they want.

We are also an autistic family but we are big on rules and everyone is v respectful of everyone else's needs. We have a downstairs shower and are careful with noise so no one needs to be woken by others late at night or in the morning. Noise cancelling headphones are brilliant.

Try to use the whole house throughout the day - make use of upstairs rooms in the daytime and if need be, downstairs rooms at night.

I think mine would love something like this in the garden, but in practice I don't t know if it would get much use hanging cocoon thing

@KateMiskin I’m imagining muffins through our windows once DC1 gets going 😁

@greenbeansrock yes 4 bedrooms but one is a very small room and the overall layout means there’s not lots of space in comparison to the home we have now.

DH is frankly useless at handling these situations. The noise and unpredictability triggers him too and he becomes very stressed very easily and it escalates. I get frustrated because I expect him to know better but I have to remind myself he is also ASD. He’s a lovely , kind man but he can not handle stress well.

any of the teens going to uni soon?

how are they doing at school?

@Colombie We do have ground rules in place but this itself causes issues. DC3 is very rule bound and insists on such rules being followed at all times. DC2 hates this and will fight against such tightly enforced rules which then triggers DC3.

DC1 also has dyspraxia so is very heavy footed and heavy handed. He has to be continuously reminded not to bang or stamp around.

@greenbeansrock Uni is a long way off. All 3 DC are in different special schools so their needs are quite high.

Hello OP

I sympathise greatly. DH is diagnosed and our eldest awaiting diagnosis but clearly with a lot of traits. We’re moving too and tbh even doing the DIY to get the house on the market is proving incredibly stressful.

We usually live a low demand life but doing DIY tasks has been so triggering for everyone differently and then as you say everyone reacts since others are overwhelming them. It is hell and we have not even man to get the house up for sale. It’s making me so scared to move, I’ve got no real idea how DH and the kids will react.

No real answers but I hear you (and salute you for being so far along in the process!!).

Will they ever be able to live independently?

i think that you should write to your neighbours to explain the situation and that a change in environment may result in additional stress on the children that will result in occasional noise but that you will do as much as you can to limit and appreciate their cooperation (and give them a nice plant)

@MySocksAreDotty We have sold our house as seen and taken a loss on profit. It was a relief because I could not face the extra work and stress involved.

@greenbeansrock I’m unsure of this at present. Sometimes they surprise me but other times I feel they’ll always need support.

I am now considering telling the neighbours in advance.

In that case OP I can only suggest you and your husband take turns for a bit of respite - maybe a solo night in a hotel occasionally. Probably sounds daft but I'm not joking. I have done this and spent the entire time just reading a book in glorious undisturbed silence. It's amazingly restorative.

My suggestions based on a similar situation

Locks on bedroom doors
Noise cancelling headphones for everyone
Encourage people to retreat to their bedrooms when overwhelmed.
Sensory spaces in bedrooms that allow for
stimming

If dc1 is heavily footed then a no shoes in the house rule (get slippers if this causes sensory issues)

You can also buy soundproofing rugs

www.sweetwater.com/insync/soundproof-a-room-for-drums/#:~:text=For%20starters%2C%20we%20recommend%20a,protect%20your%20floor%20from%20damage.

I had to perceive myself as the neurodivergent in the household. I then accorded myself the same level of compassion I would to anyone who is neurodivergent - taking time out, giving myself time when experiencing sensory overload. It was really hard and when the children were old enough I did create a totally independent life.

As a society we understand the implications and I am kinder to myself now. At the time I carried a heavy load of blame because I was the neurodivergent in a family of neurodivergence. ‘If only I didn’t change plans all the time’ aka just go with the flow. ‘I don’t make the right plan’, ‘stop talking to people’, ‘stop talking so loudly’.

I don't have much advice, but I understand your pain and frustration, I live with a partner and young child who both have adhd and possibly autism and its shit! Life is chaotic and going out to work is a break for me. Don't worry about your neighbours, there will hopefully be an opportunity to tell them they are neurodiverse, but they will just have to suck it up, our neighbours do and they are fine luckily. X