A friend who I feel isn’t now should to be told?

[Washingupdone]

I have know friend for about 8 years. We live a few miles away from each other. As I was working I saw her for a walk round the park or lunch at a restaurant once a week. During Covid we would meet in the woods walking maybe twice or three times a week, chatting about family problems, deaths and happy times.
Last September she had a new neighbour. When we met for a walk and over a few months I asked if we could meet up at a restaurant. First time she couldn’t because she had been helping NN with her problems and they had been to the restaurant often and she had put on too much weight, second time she didn’t have enough money as been to restaurant several times, third time she would have to ask NN! During the walks she would tell me what fun they had trying new restaurants, going into town or doing something else. When I visited her in a hospital some distance away, I was told that if the place had been nearer home NN would visit her every day. I was being compared with and replace, it felt hurtful. I was making excuses not to see her when she suggested walks, the last one was February this year.

She has moved on, that’s ok with me and I prefer not to see her. She is phoning me and I am not picking up. Without being hurtful towards her what can I message her as she doesn’t know why and maybe it’s polite to say something ?

she’s not moved on as she still instigating contact

but she’s not 6 years old and can only possibly be friends with her BFF.

She has broadened her friendship circle OP. Simple

Eh? This woman is clearly still your friend, or still wants to be. She has simply made another friend. The only problem here is with your reaction.

Sorry, but I think you're being ridiculous. friends are allowed to have other friends, you're not being 'replaced'. You might like the new neighbour too if you were prepared to give her a chance. She's asking to meet you and you are making excuses, why does that make you feel she's moved on?

Friendships aren’t usually exclusive. She’s allowed more than one friend, obviously due to proximity it’s natural she would end up doing spontaneous things with her neighbour from time to time. You sound very needy and I think that’s made you behave unreasonably by ghosting her now. By all means message and tell her that you don’t want to see her anymore because she obviously has a new friend, but be prepared for her to think you are batshit crazy and being unreasonable.

You do realise people can have more than one friend?

She's got nothing to move on from and the fact that she keeps phoning you means, for some reason, she still sees you as a friend & presumably wants to see you. Are you really going to cut off your nose to spite your face & not see her

This isnt how adults behave.

If this was AIBU, the answer would be yes, you’re being very unreasonable.

She’s met someone who she’s clearly formed a very enjoyable snd close friendship with. You aren’t married to her and you haven’t been replaced. She’s allowed to have other friendships. This idea you seem to have that you were close during Covid so that level of contact has to continue and there is no room for anyone else is really not healthy. Do you not have friends you see more than others? Do you intentionally stop yourself growing closer to any of your friends in case another friend gets jealous? That would be very, very concerning.

Pick up the phone next time she calls. If she can’t afford to meet in a restaurant or is watching her weight, then suggest a walk in the woods. If she wants to bring her new friend then let her. It’s not a cosy date and you might find you really like her too. They might invite you the next time they’re trying out a new restaurant. And if you don’t like her , then you can tell your friend that she isn’t your cup of tea if she suggests bringing her along again.

There are regularly posts on here from women who really want friends but don’t have any. And here you are with what sounds like a lovely friendship and you’re on the verge of chucking it away because you can’t handle her being friends with anyone else. This is your issue, not hers.

Why not embrace the neighbour into your friendship circle as well?

This all sounds a bit children's playground to me!

I get it OP. Your friend is doing lots of lovely things with new friend, which you would enjoy too, but you are firmly in the 'goes for a walk mate'.

Since my closest friend got into a new relationship she does lots of couples things with other couples but never invites DH and I. It hurts when there's a lot of shared history, you make effort (and in my case are still the first point of call for favours) but aren't included in the fun stuff, like you aren't good enough for the new friend. I have distanced myself to be honest, we go for a walk with the dogs if I'm free but am no longer emotionally available and no longer the one who drops everything if there's a problem.

If you enjoy her company go for the odd walk but equally it's ok to decide a friendship isn't working for you.

I think the issue is, this friend wanted OP to be her main friend/main person and confidante, and now she has replaced her with the neighbour but still wants the OP as a ‘side’ friend. It is only human to feel this for the emotional demotion it is.

Some people would shrug and detach and see the friend in a new light, others will feel hurt and lose trust. The OP isn’t wrong in how she feels.

I think it is a bit strange that you are reacting in this way to someone having other friends. It is very common for people to have more than one friend. Have you limited experience of friendships in the past? If so, my best advice is to avoid possessiveness in friendships. It's okay to feel a bit sad when you are left out, but don't spend too much time on that feeling.

What an odd post. People can be friends with other people AND be friends with you. You have a strange outlook on "friendship " I think

Do you have other friends as well? I know friendships of 3 can hard when young but as adults it's perfectly normal.

I would be pissed off too. You had a great friendship and routine and suddenly you’ve been replaced by the neighbour in those same times and activities. Not only that but you have to listen to how wonderful this person is.

I sense a bit of meanness in your friend.

There are ways of adding friends to your life without binning people off.

KomodoOhno · Today 14:53
Do you have other friends as well?
Yes I do, thanks.

Good I'm glad because it does not sound like this friendship is really working anymore. You can still be cordial and do less together and concentrate on your other friendships.

You’re extremely jealous of her new friendship, OP. Aren’t you still her going-fit-a-walk mate, or does that not work for you anymore?

''third time she would have to ask NN! ''

Why would she have to ask NN if she could meet you? Why would NN have to be involved, you invited her not her NN?

Seems a bit mean girl to tell you all the places she's been with NN and then make excuses not to meet you. Stop inviting her places anymore. People sometimes get wound up in new friendships to the extent they become a bit obsessed with them and forget about other friends.

Of course YANBU. Have most of the previous posters read your question properly? Your friend has been very thoughtless.

I get your upset but not picking up her calls is incredibly childish.

If you want this sorted then you need to talk it out.

If not, then carry on I guess.

It sounds as though most of your get togethers are over walks. She's happy to keep having walks. I don't see the problem.

Moved on is a strange way to see it.
Friendship is not a monogamous relationship.