Trio friendship group

[Leakleakleak]

Hi everyone!

Advice would be appreciated.

What would you do in this situation?

There are 3 of us in this friendship group. Friend A, friend B and me.

Friend A and B met each other at University and became good friends.

I met both friend A and B a few years later at work - we all worked in the same department. This was around 6 years ago. We have all since moved on to different jobs. Friend A and B work in the same field, at offices near each other. I work in a completely different field and my office is not near theirs. But we all live in the same city.

Here's the dilemma:

I love spending time with friend A.

I love spending time with friend B.

I do not however enjoy it when it's all 3 of us together. Naturally Friend A and friend B spend alot of time talking about what happened at each others work, things that happened at University, things that happened in the past before I became their friend ect.. I do not believe that they are 'leaving me out" on purpose at all, but it often just becomes a conversation amongst them two, whilst I feel slightly awkward on the side for most of the evening. Like I mentioned before, I do not believe they are doing it purposefully - they were both friends with each other a few years before they even met me.

Would you in this situation - respectfully let friend A and B know how you feel, so that you can spend time with each other separately and make it clear to them that it's not anything personal against them, but unless it's a special occasion, I would prefer to meet separately. I just hope this wouldn't cause any problems - I do see them as being my really good friends, so don't want to create any problems/awkwardness. I honestly only have 1 other good friend, so I don't want to 'lose' them.

Or would you not say anything, make excuses (unless it's a special occasion) whenever someone suggests all 3 meeting up together, hope they don't notice me making excuses and carry on meeting them separately?

Thank you in advance!

Just to add - me inviting my other good friend, so there would be 4 of us, would not work. Completely different personalities!

Also, I have other trio 'friendship' groups with some cousins and my sisters, but I never feel left out of conversations.

How do you react when it's happening? Could you subtly sit back and withdraw from the conversation ? See if they spot it. Then say "sorry I know I'm not saying much, i can't really say much when your talking about uni as I wasn't there"

Or would you feel able to do a subject change ?

if you opted to say something would it be easier to do it individually and just say "I know you guys have your shared uni experience and work stuff together but when we are out as a group I find it hard to contribute as I'm not a part of any of that " to each of them, no judgement or ill feeling and then see what happens next time you meet as a group.

Sometimes I think with old friends you need to make new memories to not keep covering old ground. Can you try and mix it up with some sort of activity (exercise class, painting & wine, bike ride etc). It might just change the topic a bit when it is all 3 of you.

Other than that try steering the conversation as much as you can.

@ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst

I usually tend to 'sit back', withdraw from the conversation and just listen. Honestly- they don't tend to notice.

I try to do subject changes, but it often just ends up back to them two, so it becomes a bit draining!

It could be an idea to do as you say and see what its like the next time we meet - thank you!

@Squiggles23 we often do/use to do activities, but it would still end up with them speaking amongst themselves and me feeling left out.

You said in your post that when the three of you are together your two friends "naturally" spend a lot of time talking about things they have in common which you don't. I think this is the problem: if you say something to them about feeling excluded from the conversation then you risk at best making them feel self conscious about what they are talking about and things will be stilted. At worst, if they really are blind to you just sitting back and being a spectator to their conversation, they might feel indignant with you and resentful.
I think personally I would try and avoid situations where the three of you are together, unless it is an activity which doesn't give over to much conversation at all.I would do as you suggest: spend time with your friends individually but not as a trio.

I would make other friends, who didn't put me in an awkward situation without recognising my feelings.

@Ialwaysdomybest That is one of the main reasons why I haven't said anything previously- I don't want them to feel self conscious or make it seem like they can't talk about anything where I wasn't involved.

@Watchkeys I do get where you are coming from but it's much easier said then done making new friends in adulthood!

Yes, but many people manage to do it successfully with no problem, so what stops you, and makes you different from others, in that the best advice to you would be 'stay friends with people who behave in a way that excludes you, and who don't even notice how you feel'?

The other thing you could do is tell them, when they do it, that you feel left out. Could you do that? How do you think they'd respond?

I think it's fine to message either of them separately to meet up

I think your original idea to meet them separately and only meet as a three on special occasions is the best first step OP. If they twig and ask why you can then tell them why.

Ps they sound like rude idiots though.

Thanks everyone for your opinions - much appreciated!

I didn't want to act on emotions and regret it afterwards

Is it possible that they are doing it on purpose? Or that one of them is engineering these topics of conversation to subtly exclude you?

@TheOccupier Honestly yes, I do feel sometimes that one of them is doing it on purpose, unfortunately. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I guess I need to accept it that it happens

I think in that case, ignore it when it happens, and spend more time with just the other one.