What’s fair?

[Sweets235]

I have a DS1 10 from previous relationship he has a great relationship with step dad ( been in his life since 1 years old) and great with biological dad too, then DS2 8 DD1 4 with current husband.

DS1 sees his biological dad every second weekend and in the week one day for tea. As a family we have always tended to not do any trips, days out etc when DS1 goes to his dads because I’ve always felt like he would be missing out and I didn’t want him to feel left out of any family things. His biological dad hadn’t always been the best and up until about 18 months ago until he got a new girlfriend he didn’t tend to do much on the weekend with DS1 anyway, so all was great.

however in the last 18 months DS1 will come back after the weekend tell us what he has been up to ( not a show off at all) but he may say he has been on a boat trip or to Go Ape etc DS2 and DD1 sometimes get a bit envious and say why haven’t we done that. ( please note weekends we do have loads of clubs so they are not doing nothing at all they just arnt doing the same as DS1) anyway this year DS1 will be going on holiday with biological dad for a week and next year he has asked to take DS1 abroad. All happy for this is happen, but my question is should I then be considering taking the other two away without DS1 in this time. I just don’t know how families manage this situation. We go on holiday about 3-4 times a year ( short breaks) as we have a static caravan and then try to get abroad if we can afford it. What’s the right balance? I feel like to not exclude my DS1 we shouldn’t do anything ‘fun’ but to make sure DS2 and DD1 arnt sat around waiting for DS1 to be here we should be doing these ‘fun’ things with them? It’s not feasible to do the same things as what DS1 is doing with biological dad every weekend and I don’t feel I should be asking him what they are up to. I spoke to DS1 the other night and said we might consider going away when he is away and he got upset and said he wouldn’t know which one to chose, I said it’s not a choice as he would be with biological dad as that’s his time but makes me feel like he would feel left out. What do other people do in this situation?

it is clearly no longer fair to only do things when DS is there, since he is doing things the others would like to do when he's away.

So start doing things without him. Why is it even a question?

There is just no way to be fair to everyone. That's just how it is when you choose to have a blended family.

Thanks but I don't feel like anyone ’chose’ the situation its just how our family is. They are all my children and I don't like upsetting any of them. It's was for advice from people in the same situation that was all.

It seems extra tricky for you as the older 2 boys are close in age. For us, the older one would do exciting trips with his paternal family (bio Dad deceased), but as he was older than siblings, it allowed us to do things focused on the little ones while he was away.

You are doing the right thing by the younger children, and with a little more maturity, your love and reassurance, your eldest will hopefully soon understand. Especially when he's excited about jetting off somewhere with Dad!

My exh refused the dc to have any days out with me and my younger dc. I still made plans with those.. It did feel wrong and unfair but not do would be unfair on the younger ones.. In time the dc went nc with exh and enjoyed days out. Even in their 20's now they still come. Making up for lack of childhood I reckon. Maybe bring some sweets back for ds to let him know you were thinking about him.

You are doing the right thing by the younger children, and with a little more maturity, your love and reassurance, your eldest will hopefully soon understand. Especially when he's excited about jetting off somewhere with Dad!

meanwhile the other two aren't happy. They just have to watch their brother do all the fun stuff and then join in their fun stuff too. It is pretty shitty.

Not sure why you quoted me to apparently contradict me, as I think the younger ones need fun too, so the older one will eventually understand the change the OP is planning.

I'd do activities which at 10 he's getting a bit old for, a good compromise. As for the holiday, fine to go in the U.K. but I wouldn't take them abroad at that point this year as it's literally the first time his dad has taken him away, but if it becomes annual then alternating taking him one year and not the other might be an option.

Mine are older so make their own schedules with some now left home. We simply state we are doing x or y on the group chat and they can arrange schedules if they wish to come. Even at first there were no set days, always been laid back but easier with older ones

I don't think you should do a main or "special" family holiday at a time when DS1 can't come. That would be very upsetting for him. However, if DS1 is out doing activities with his biological dad at weekends, there's no reason why you shouldn't do activities with the other two children at the same time. That being said, for anything particularly special or exciting I would make sure you choose a time when all three DC can come.