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Feel bad but friend never stops moaning about her job:(

23 replies

Ponylady · 16/05/2024 11:35

I have a friend of 30+ years. Love her to bits but am struggling in recent years with her company.

Friend is a teacher. All consuming job. I have lots of teacher friends and I KNOW how awful, miserable, exhausting, hard it is. This is NOT a teaching post.

My friend has complained about her job for years but in recent years its all she does. Every time we meet she tells me how awful her job is. How noone understands how awful it is.
How she has no time or energy for hobbies/activities/anything!!

She is stressed, exhausted and depressed all the time. Sometimes we talk about stuff I am doing - hobbies/funny stories/trips but I feel bad because I know she can't do any of these things. She openly admits she has nothing to talk about because all she does is work.

I have suggested a million things she could do to get out of teaching, talked about life balance, well being, life is passing her by, a pension isn't so important it destroys your life.

She says she can't possible afford to give up teaching or go part time or retire.
She gets quite angry if I make any suggestions saying 'there's no way out of teaching'.

She will also only meet during school holidays. Says she too busy at any other time.

If I text to see how her life is her only reply is 'tired from work' , 'counting down days to half term'.

Im now at the point where I cant be bothered texting or meeting her. There's nothing to talk about and I don't want to spend 2hrs listening to her telling me how bad teaching is. I KNOW!!

I feel bad because clearly she is utterly miserable.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this with friends? I feel like saying 'ill just get back in touch when you retire in 20years then'. (Obviously I wouldn't ever say this)

I feel sad about our friendship and that this is how I now feel. :(

OP posts:
Justme2023123 · 16/05/2024 11:52

She sounds exhausting. Maybe leave it for her to contact you, so it gives you a break from being her dumping ground all the time

MiddleParking · 16/05/2024 11:54

I suspect this is an inbuilt feature of her personality and will probably be the same if not worse when she’s older, and would also be the same if she got a different job. You don’t have to be friends with someone who’s draining.

Georgie743 · 16/05/2024 11:58

I'm a teacher. Yes it's hard, but so are many other jobs. If she actually finds it miserable she needs to work on planning a career change. Nobody is holding a gun to her head and forcing her to continue teaching.

she sounds super negative and hard work. Do you get anything out of the friendship?

MissMelanieH · 16/05/2024 11:59

I think this is why teachers make friends with other teachers.

Ponylady · 16/05/2024 14:01

Yes absolutely
Sometimes I go out with 3 teacher friends and its like being at a teacher conference! 🙄

OP posts:
Mishmashs · 16/05/2024 14:31

Reminds me of my sibling. If I ask how they are it’s always ‘knackered’ and ‘only two weeks to half term.’

Standingupstandingout · 16/05/2024 15:41

I agree it seems very one sided but just be aware that more teachers than you know have chosen 'their tree'. The one they want to drive into on the way to work just to make it all stop. The stress, anxiety and depression can build up to a point where people are too anxious to even think of leaving or to even get signed off. The thought of doing that seems even worse to them. I've seen it so many times and have been there too. I got out but not everyone will.

Ponylady · 16/05/2024 17:40

Standing up - I know this. I'm surrounded by depressed teachers.
No advice to give them because they feel they can't get out

OP posts:
Covidwoes · 16/05/2024 17:41

@Ponylady I'm a teacher, and while it's a hard job, this sounds absolutely draining! I would avoid meeting up with her tbh.

GeneralMusings · 16/05/2024 17:49

Teaching is truly exhausting. And it's hard tog get out of. There's a huge Facebook group dedicated to getting out of teaching and it's must be a scary percentage of current teachers who are currently still in it. She's not making it up.

I rarely see people in term time but I do make the effort to meet up in the holidays. If she's a good friend can you do this? If the friendship is worth it it's worth seeing her when she has energy and isn't so focused on the teaching treadmill.
Otherwise no of course let it go.

GeneralMusings · 16/05/2024 17:50

I try not to go on about it but yes right now I've told 2 friends I'm exhausted in responses to their texts 😂.

I mean I literally am on my last legs.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 16/05/2024 17:55

I’m a teacher and I never talk about my job. I’ve lived through it already so why do I need to talk about it again to someone who doesn’t care???

Give her some space. Let her call you and ask after you. Maybe she needs to miss you to appreciate you?

Ponylady · 16/05/2024 19:41

I do believe her.

She tells me she misses me and wants to see me. She asks me how I am.
I tell her. I ask how she is and only ever get

Tired, exhausted, stressed, counting days to half term...if we meet up she tells me how awful her job is as though she is trying to convince me when I'm not doubting for a moment how awful it is.

It's sad. Dont want to lose a friendship but feel like it's bringing me nothing and I've got another 20yrs of it!

OP posts:
GeneralMusings · 16/05/2024 20:10

Suggests meeting in half term? Something fun and say you're looking forwards to catching up and talk of work is banned for both of you?!

catin8oots · 16/05/2024 20:15

I'm an ex-teacher and yeah it's a shit job. But there are many, many other shit jobs. Teachers have a weird victim mentality. And they are boring. That's why they all socialise together and marry each other so they can talk about teaching and how shit it is all the time.

Standingupstandingout · 16/05/2024 20:38

catin8oots · 16/05/2024 20:15

I'm an ex-teacher and yeah it's a shit job. But there are many, many other shit jobs. Teachers have a weird victim mentality. And they are boring. That's why they all socialise together and marry each other so they can talk about teaching and how shit it is all the time.

I don't think it's a victim mentality for most - it's a significant mental health crisis and a broken system.

Maelil01 · 16/05/2024 20:41

Standingupstandingout · 16/05/2024 20:38

I don't think it's a victim mentality for most - it's a significant mental health crisis and a broken system.

Could be worse, they could be medics!

Standingupstandingout · 16/05/2024 20:54

Maelil01 · 16/05/2024 20:41

Could be worse, they could be medics!

I don't think it's a competition. So many sectors are broken.

Ponylady · 16/05/2024 23:05

Yep..I should add that I'm a nurse in nhs!!

I am aware of job stress

OP posts:
TimoteiChaletpants · 16/05/2024 23:35

Tell her to join thinking of leaving teaching group on facebook. Even if she never leaves there is much solidarity there

NorthernLass82 · 17/06/2024 02:50

My friend recently told me she’s quit for good, as she’s mentally done now, it kinda shocked me (I have a desk job) but we talked about how it has become less and less about the teaching.
Does your friend work in a challenging school/deprived area. Another friend’s husband always works in challenging schools but says only cos he can mentally and those that can, should always do so cos so many teachers who can’t.
Has she considered being a supply teacher or a tutor. This is what my friend who quit is going to do.

coxesorangepippin · 17/06/2024 03:03

Yes my brother is like this.

He's a teacher too. He's been teaching for 20 years. It's the same old story all the time: he's tired, he's exhausted, he's up until 3am marking, he can't wait till half term etc etc

coxesorangepippin · 17/06/2024 03:05

Yep..I should add that I'm a nurse in nhs!!

I am aware of job stress

^

Lol at 'aware of job stress' comment

Fwiw I don't think nurses whine half as much as teachers do.

And I'd say the job is harder.

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