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Why are all my friends men?

5 replies

Neverdo · 15/05/2024 13:46

It is is honestly something I never set out to create. I don't seem to be able to make or retain female friendships, but do have a wide range of male friends.

I was widowed a few years ago, the women friends I had before that, as couples (some decades old) have distanced themselves and some have had some really unpleasant things to say about my male friends.

My only "old" friends remaining are a long term single woman and a woman with the most secure relationship I've ever known, so maybe that's relevant?

I was the only girl in my sixth form, have always worked in a male dominated industry and my main leisure interests revolve around sport, so I've met more men than women in my daily life. over the years, to make friends with, but even I can see this all looks odd to outsiders.

Among the male friends there are a couple I'd consider good close friends, and a group of people I hang out with iyswim. Some are married and I know and get along with their wives superficially, but they don't come to our things so have never become friends.

So, I have 2 good female friends, 2 good male friends and a circle of friends who are almost all men.

I like women, I don't know why they don't like me!

OP posts:
TheCatJumps · 15/05/2024 13:51

But your breakdown suggests you have two good female friends, two good male friends, and a group of less close friends who are male because you met them through male-dominated workplaces or sports. It doesn’t sound wildly unbalanced.

Neverdo · 15/05/2024 13:54

TheCatJumps · 15/05/2024 13:51

But your breakdown suggests you have two good female friends, two good male friends, and a group of less close friends who are male because you met them through male-dominated workplaces or sports. It doesn’t sound wildly unbalanced.

I guess I'm still smarting from the way the women in our couple friends dropped me after DH's death, but that's years ago and whilst I've made lots of new friends since then, by keeping busy and getting out there, none of them are women.

OP posts:
tarheelbaby · 05/06/2024 18:24

Musing on this since I haven't always felt like I have many female friends.

If you have two female friends, build as much on those as you can. Meet for 'coffee', go on mini-breaks/holiday, go shopping or just hang out at the kitchen table - whatever your dynamic is. I find it really takes effort to maintain friendships when you don't have an external reason (school run, exercise class, work) to meet. Plus, do they have other female friends whom you could meet?

Looking at your post, I wonder whether:
The wives in couple friends may have felt like they didn't have much in common with you because you are sporty - they might have seen (your DH and) you as their DH's sport friends rather than someone they could befriend themselves for shopping/coffee/grumbling. My late DH was active in a niche hobby so had a big pool of friends and acquaintances and I am friendly with lots of the women involved but not v. close to them so I'm not expecting them to include/invite me.

From a thread for bereavement: the wives may be (albeit unfairly) concerned that their men would make a play for you. They might not fully trust their DHs: you play that sport so are Johnny (Jane) on the spot and, from being sporty, you might be fitter than they are!

(Decades ago, when my DDad was newly divorced, he tried to join dinner groups at the church in his new town but no one would include him more than once. They were all too worried about maintaining their status quo.)

Meadowfinch · 05/06/2024 18:49

Are you tall, slim, good looking, or find nails, brows, botox etc to be very dull topics.

Any of those wouldn't help.

LoobyDoop2 · 05/06/2024 19:40

Meadowfinch · 05/06/2024 18:49

Are you tall, slim, good looking, or find nails, brows, botox etc to be very dull topics.

Any of those wouldn't help.

Oh ffs. Nothing the OP said makes her sound like a misogynist, but you do.

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