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Original poster

As a parent, is there a ‘better’ age to leave your young child and move to another country

20 replies

SkillSet · 14/05/2024 10:42

Asking for an old friend (and potential employee).

Friend lives in developing country and has 6yo daughter who lives with her mum. They never married but are harmonious co-parents. The mum has all family there and will never move from that country.

My friend is desperate to leave. He is highly skilled and could earn ££££ elsewhere, as well as continue to develop skills and take on completely different type of work. He knows that materially this would be best for his daughter as well as providing way more opportunities at higher education etc. If he left, the travel times to the West would be long - no weekend pop backs.

What’s best in this scenario?

OP posts:
mitogoshi · 14/05/2024 10:49

You do what you need to do to raise your family or give dc the best life you can. It's not uncommon to move overseas for work, not saying it's ideal but it's what is best long term

CelesteCunningham · 14/05/2024 10:50

Personally, I would rather my child had a loving parent in their lives than material goods.

However, in a developing country the maths on that may be different and perhaps the promise of a better education may make it worthwhile.

What does the DC's mother think?

Coolblur · 14/05/2024 11:07

While earning lots more to give their child better opportunities in life seems like a great idea, unless they're in abject poverty, trading regular contact with a loving involved parent for money will do more harm than good. That's not to say that the child will be forever damaged by the choice, but the relationship between the child and parent will become distant. From the child's perspective, out of sight, out of mind. He needs to be aware that their relationship could never truly be rebuilt.

So, assuming his child is not struggling to survive, essentially he has to choose between his happiness and his relationship with his child. Something will suffer.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

6 year olds
Original poster
SkillSet · 14/05/2024 15:18

Thanks - the child’s mother will be supportive either way, particularly if there is more comfortable financial situation.

But no, there is no-one starving.

I guess I am wondering if it is an unforgivable thing to do to a child? Friend is a good close parent who does a lot.

OP posts:
Fiery30 · 14/05/2024 15:29

This scenario was quite common when I was a child in a developing country. My friends' fathers would be away working for months, with limited communication, for a better livelihood for the entire family. Of course they missed their fathers but in my country, there is a lot of support from extended family and neighbours. So the child is never lacking love. My own friend did it for a few years and he has an amazing relationship with his kids.
Each family has to do what they think suits them best. Financial security is hugely important, even though some people on here pretend it's not. It is unfair to judge and make the father out to be a bad guy. It could be that a few years of sacrifice will help the family immensely.

coxesorangepippin · 14/05/2024 15:36

The younger the better

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/05/2024 15:40

coxesorangepippin · 14/05/2024 15:36

The younger the better

Totally disagree if it means taking child away from mother!
If I were the ex pat then they should
Go first and set up
Home and send cash back for education especially English tuition and visit frequently.... MAYBE then the child can follow for secondary school if they consent to it, but perhaps better would be paying for excellent international school in that country and then the child comes to (Uk?) for sixth form and uni

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/05/2024 15:41

So sorry I totally misread - I thought the ex Pat friend was planning to take daughter with him away from her home town and mother

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/05/2024 15:42

Is there another country close by eg if they are in the Philippines could he go and work in Hong Kong or Singapore?

ElaineSqueaks · 14/05/2024 15:45

My dh's mother spent a lot of his childhood working away in another country. It was just totally normal for him. She did it to get them out of the country that they lived in and eventually that's what happened.

It would have been great if she hadn't had to do that and she could have just been able to support her family whilst living with them but that wasn't the case.

In a lot of countries, if you don't work you don't eat.

Dingo33 · 14/05/2024 15:47

In some countries this is a very common thing for people to do. Is it common where they live? If so then it will probably be quite normal for the child and many of their friends will have the same set-up.

Original poster
SkillSet · 14/05/2024 16:40

It isn’t that common in the country, although the daughter goes to a good school where Western families go in and out (parents on fixed overseas contracts) so she knows about leaving to go to the UK.

I am just imagining it from the daughters POV - idyllic to have both parents, nice life (for a 6yo who knows no different) - then one parent leaves. She’s not really going to care about career progression or university options?

OP posts:
RoastLambs · 14/05/2024 16:45

It sounds like you just want people to say that it is a terrible plan and the daughter will be scared for life but in actuality people do this all of the time.

You could say that parents shouldn't work at all. They should stay at home with their children and not use daycare and be there for every school run and assembly. That the child doesn't care about money so they should be there all of the time.

HippyKayYay · 14/05/2024 16:45

Younger the better I think. As child of a parent who moved to another country when I was 12. That was not a good age! But different cultural context (from one western country to another.)

Original poster
SkillSet · 14/05/2024 17:03

@HippyKayYay Would it have been OK if the parent was already gone by 12yo?

I’m not trying to dissuade my friend at all. (I’d like to hire him!) I am just not sure how these things work out and he does discuss it with me. I’ve been very neutral because it isn’t my business or my decision.

I think if you all said how cruel it is then I might have stopped saying ‘Well you are always welcome to join us’.

OP posts:
NDmumoftwo · 14/05/2024 17:06

SkillSet · 14/05/2024 16:40

It isn’t that common in the country, although the daughter goes to a good school where Western families go in and out (parents on fixed overseas contracts) so she knows about leaving to go to the UK.

I am just imagining it from the daughters POV - idyllic to have both parents, nice life (for a 6yo who knows no different) - then one parent leaves. She’s not really going to care about career progression or university options?

Maybe not now but she'll love to have a trip with mum to come visit a couple of times a year and when she gets older the opportunity to study here?

LawlessPeasant · 14/05/2024 17:10

RoastLambs · 14/05/2024 16:45

It sounds like you just want people to say that it is a terrible plan and the daughter will be scared for life but in actuality people do this all of the time.

You could say that parents shouldn't work at all. They should stay at home with their children and not use daycare and be there for every school run and assembly. That the child doesn't care about money so they should be there all of the time.

Yes, this. Anyway, why is this your call, OP, -- are you saying your potential employee asked you to post about this on the internet?

Original poster
SkillSet · 14/05/2024 17:23

Not my call, just as above:I think if you all said how cruel it is then I might have stopped saying ‘Well you are always welcome to join us’.

OP posts:
Fiery30 · 14/05/2024 22:06

RoastLambs · 14/05/2024 16:45

It sounds like you just want people to say that it is a terrible plan and the daughter will be scared for life but in actuality people do this all of the time.

You could say that parents shouldn't work at all. They should stay at home with their children and not use daycare and be there for every school run and assembly. That the child doesn't care about money so they should be there all of the time.

I agree. OP, you have no idea how common this situation is, with sometimes both parents working away. There is no best scenario. Each family is different.

MetalFences · 14/05/2024 22:14

I am just imagining it from the daughters POV - idyllic to have both parents, nice life (for a 6yo who knows no different) - then one parent leaves. She’s not really going to care about career progression or university options?

Are you?

I take it you have no children or that they have now left home as you have a job. You wouldn't leave their precious tear stained faces to go to work.

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