How do you encourage a DH with chronically low self esteem?

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My DH has had a hard time with his family of origin culminating in his mother deciding to have nothing to do with him. It is not unusual for her to give the silent treatment to people. So far, the silent treatment has been going on for 15 years. We have approached her about three times in that time and, while she is polite to his face, there is no reconciliation and she hasn't changed one bit. She is frail now and I don't think this will ever be sorted.

There is so much I could write but it would be too much. You don't disagree with MIL without consequences. This has left my DH scared to express his feelings and opinions on things. He has had counselling but it's deep seated from very young.

I tried to talk to him about this and how much I want him to communicate and tell me how he feels, especially when it comes to life decisions. He started crying and said he didn't know what was wrong with him. So I feel bad for trying to raise it but surely I should be able to raise things nicely if needed?

I think deep down he's so hurt and scared of rejection that he doesn't really communicate. It makes marriage difficult as so much emotional work and decision making is left to me. I don't need him to agree with me al the time.

How do you work in a marriage with someone like this and help them know how much they are loved while addressing issues?

You encourage them to find a good therapist. You can’t solve his issues

I'm not trying to solve his issues. He has to do the work to do that. I still have to be married to him though. He's had a few therapists.

So you are saying he is stuck developmentally and still behaves like a child. You have be a mother him rather than a wife/partner.
You can't change this, unless you leave him of course. He has to be the one who changes. He needs to do that himself through therapy and hard work.

Yeah, it's just hard not being able to express any concerns or personal difficult feelings about anything. If I express something I'm struggling with personally, even if it's not about us, it becomes all about what a terrible husband he is. If I challenge his lack of communication, he gets upset and feels like a terrible husband. Yet he's incredibly successful professionally. I think that's where he gets his ego boost.

Is he still actively in therapy?
I think sometimes, some therapists do not challenge their clients enough - that’s my experience anyway.

I would highly recommend the gym also. If he’s not already going, it really help with self-esteem.

Not at the moment, but maybe it would be a good time for him to restart. His father, who he also had no contact with, died and I think that might have bought some things out related to things that were said at the funeral. He does go to the gym, so that's taken care of.

I just wish he didn't project that kind of communication style onto me.

I absolutely agree with you that it’s not right for this communication style to be used on you. You’ve all my sympathy.

If you can get him to restart the therapy, I think that would be a good thing. i can imagine his dad passing away has stirred up a lot in his mind. I know they weren’t in contact but even that can cause distress in itself when someone dies. I had an ex whose dad died when they’d not spoken for years and he struggled massively with it.

Yes, it's got to be hard. When DH was younger I think he weathered it easier and said he found it positive not to have them in his life. I think he has a lot of anger that doesn't really come out. His mother isn't getting any younger either and that will have to be dealt with sooner rather than later. He cried after the funeral about the apparent amazing relationship his father had with his grandson and wondered why he was never good enough that his father did things like that with him. Maybe some things have been reawakened for him.

That’s exactly what my ex said (and in the case of his dad, he was probably right!). But the funeral was a finality, there would never be a reconciliation and never a chance at any kind of relationship. And that’s very hard to handle, even when there’s no chance of a healthy relationship and the person thinks they’ve done all their processing.

It sounds so similar to what my ex went through and while he always considered himself to be ‘over it’ before his dad died, the death showed him otherwise. His dad had other kids and my ex found it so hard to think about the good relationship they had with him, while he had nothing. Sounds similar to your partner and the father/grandson relationship.

it was very hard for my ex to realise this because he’d spent so long teaching himself that he was fine, he didn’t need his dad etc. He had to, in order to mentally cope with it as a child. And so when his dad died, he was resistant to the idea that he could be so hurt by the death. Just so you are aware that it may be a difficult one for your dh also.

It doesn’t justify him shutting you out but maybe it’s part of the reason. But of course, he needs to deal with it and treat you right.

Thanks for sharing that. A lot of it completely resonates right down to thinking he was fine about it all. How can it not hurt to end on those terms, then have to hear all about how he did so much more for your sibling's son than he ever did for you? No wonder his self-esteem is so bad.

He did try to contact his mother afterwards, only to get it thrown in his face. She will never change. I've told him I support whatever he needs to do in relation to them. He's the one that has to live with it.

I think maybe we need to have a chat and think about whether he should restart some counselling about what has come up since his father's death.

Has he got BPD?
He sounds very depressing to live with.
Does he care about you at all?

The thing is, you don't have to be married to him. I'd suggest marriage counselling as well as him working very hard and seriously with his own separate therapist. Regardless of his self-esteem issues, he needs to find a way of communicating with you that doesn't make you the screen onto which he projects all his inner stuff.

And I have no idea why that font is so big...

Back to therapy he goes, start going to joint sessions to learn how to communicate with each other.

Here to echo other pps that (a) you can’t change this (b) he has to want to and work to change this if it’s going to change (c) you don’t have to stay married to him when he shuts down any discussion of your feelings and concerns with self-pitying martyr stuff.