Help me deal with this.

[Overbearingndn]

My mum's ndn is driving me mad. Any advice appreciated.

I'm currently staying with my mum to help out as she has dementia. She has an enmeshed relationship with her ndn, Sue. Sue has no sense of personal space or boundaries. She seems to think that she owns my mum and I'm staff.

Sue just turns up inside my mum's house when I'm sat on the sofa in my pajamas. She wants to know details of my mum's medical appointments. She puts her head through my bedroom window when I'm in bed and issues me with instructions or stands outside my bedroom door and demands I get up and tell her details of my mum's diary.

I don't answer the door to Sue when my mother isn't there but she comes in the back garden and searches for an open door or bangs on the patio door. She's very insistent. If she's issued me with instructions she comes back the next day to make sure I've carried them out. If I haven't she wants to know why.

My mum can see no wrong in Sue. In fact she is the one who comes into my room to get me out of bed if I don't answer Sue promptly enough.

My mum shouldn't be drinking and her and Sue get through a lot of wine which does my mum no good at all. However my sisters also love Sue, think she can do no wrong and tell me not to say anything to her. In fact they think she's great and perfectly harmless.

Sue thinks men are superior to women, that black people are inferior and reads the Daily Mail.

I'm going to kill Sue. Nothing I do works. I've tried avoiding her eg I say hello then disappear from the room. I've tried being assertive eg please don't worry about that I'm dealing with it. To which I get smirks and eye rolls and sniggers. I've tried being very assertive eg I don't work for you!! But she's back the next day outside my bedroom door or putting her head through my bedroom window issuing me with instructions.

My mum has dementia and wants me to embrace Sue. She's prone to temper tantrums if I don't do what she wants and will take Sue's side over mine, she always has taken other people's sides over mine. Sue is wonderful, can do no wrong and I need to get on with her

What on earth do I do?

Walk away and leave your Mum and Sue to it.

I can't really walk away at the moment as I'm trying to get care in place. My mum can't cope on her own and I'm helping her with various medical appointments, day to day care and admin.

If your mother has dementia, thinks Sue is the bee's knees, as do your sisters, I think your best option is to just hang in there.
I don't think you will get her to alter her ways because clearly, after all the things you have tried, she doesn't have the self awareness to question whether she is being too much.
It won't be personal, and while you find it incredibly annoying, presumably your mum enjoyed/ (enjoys?) her company so it's not as easy as cutting her out altogether.
I wouldn't worry too much about much about offending her, because it sounds like she's got pretty thick skin. Hopefully the care will be sorted soon and you can take a step back if you wish to.

Whats an ndn please??

Sue sounds like a well meaning but annoying (and racist) giraffe sticking her head through your bedroom window.
Organise some proper care for your mum and get the hell out of there.
You’re doing a good thing for your mum but Sue sounds like she needs releasing into the Serengeti.

rollonretirementfgs · Today 11:00

Whats an ndn please??

Next door neighbour.

Overbearingndn

It may be worth just saying, "Piss off! You're not my boss and you've no business ordering me about."

Much as I would love to drop kick her to the Serengeti, my mum lives in a bungalow.

The other day I told her that I don't work for her and I'm not accountable to her. Last night she was outside my bedroom door, after I'd gone to bed, asking what my mum's hospital appointment was for this afternoon.

I’m realising now that what I want is for people to have a positive opinion of me. I want people to think I’m a nice person.

but if I treat an unreasonable person reasonably - it doesn’t work.

your mums ndn is clearly not very nice and actually she’s causing you a lot of trauma on what already sounds like a fractious relationship with your mum, at a time when it’s even more delicate

lie to your mum and be as nice as pie to ndn in your mum’s presence . But I would be tempted to at least once tell ndn to fuck off and don’t fucking come to your fucking window one more time or she’ll regret it … when it’s just the two of you.

only do that once but every time the two of you are alone be polite but make it clear you think she’s a nasty piece of work and needs to leave you alone.

if you have a friend ask your friend to help you practice what to say going forwards with ndn that is curt, rude, but if overheard arguably reasonable.

You need to go round to Sue's house and have a frank conversation with her. Explain she's overstepping the mark and you've had enough of it. Only bluntness to the point of being rude is going to work with Sue.

I'm probably being cynical, but why is Sue so invested in your mother's health?

My thoughts exactly. Have you got sight of your mum's will, OP? Nothing would surprise me unfortunately.

I think there's more than one person with dementia here and it's not you OP.

Overbearingndn · Today 11:14

The other day I told her that I don't work for her and I'm not accountable to her. Last night she was outside my bedroom door, after I'd gone to bed, asking what my mum's hospital appointment was for this afternoon.

Oh dear, she sounds ruthlessly determined.

I don't believe Sue has sights on my mum's property. I believe she has a sense of propriety. She doesn't think I'm doing a good enough job. She's made that very clear with her tittering and eye rolling when I've said I'm dealing with something.

I believe her nose is out of joint because I'm here. She comes over several time a day as though she's marking her territory.

The other day my mum told me to go back to wherever I came from which sound like something Sue would say, so I believe she is working behind the scenes to get rid off me.

Do you have power of attorney?
I would be very wary about Sue's financial motivations.

Yes, poa is in the family. Sue has no rights. Although I don't believe that's her motivation. I believe she's the overbearing terminator and feels possessive over my mum.