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Original poster

Family funeral or mental health appointment

12 replies

cpts · 13/05/2024 18:48

My aunt has passed away. She was in her 70s and not in great health but no one thought she was at risk of dying if that makes sense. Funeral will be on Thursday - four hours from where I live. She will likely be waked tomorrow and Wednesday.

I am coming to the end of my psychotherapy sessions - only 6 to go and feeling very vulnerable/scared about this. These are on Thursdays so losing one of the few I have left is a big deal.

So have a massive dilemma over what to do.

I obviously want to go to the funeral, pay my respects and be there for my cousins. But I also want to go to my psychotherapy appointment - the two cannot both happen. I'm so torn. I'm trying to put myself and my health first which has always been a challenge for me....but it just feels wrong to not go to the funeral. I can go to the wake (both days) but know this isn't the same.

Any advice on what I should do?

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 13/05/2024 18:53

Go to the wake and pay your respects. Explain to the family that you have a crucial appointment that you cannot miss. Its not like you just can't be bothered to turn up

frustratedashell · 13/05/2024 18:54

Your mental health should come first. If you can go to the wake , then you'll be showing support. If you don't want to reveal the reason for not going to funeral
Just say you have an important medical appointment, it's true.

cherryassam · 13/05/2024 18:58

Is it an NHS / IAPT psychotherapy course? When I had my most recent one they were happy to skip a week and add another one on at the end - I was away for work and couldn’t make a couple of weeks so just didn’t have an appointment that week and still had my 14 or 16 sessions (I can’t remember how many!) but over more weeks.

But, if that’s not an option, I think going to the wake on Weds and not the funeral would be fine. Equally, it’s four hours away - it’s fine to say you can’t make it. You can send a card with sympathies / flowers / donation in lieu of flowers.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/05/2024 18:59

I would attend my aunt's funeral.

Naptimeagain · 13/05/2024 19:02

I think it's fine to go on the Wed to the wake, explain that you have a medical appointment on the Thursday, and that you can't reschedule. They'll understand, and I'm sure your aunt would have understood too.

Itsonlymashadow · 13/05/2024 19:02

Will you definitely end up missing an appointment. When I couldn’t make a therapy appointment I still got the same amount. They just went on for longer.

I, personally, wouldn’t miss the funeral or wake. But it’s a very personal decision.

IgoogledYOLO · 13/05/2024 19:06

Op, there's no right answer here. Whatever you do, remember that it's the right decision at the time and try to live with no regrets.

Double check if you can move the appointment. Would they be willing to phone you? Find a car and leave the funeral to take the call (if timing allows).

runningonberocca · 13/05/2024 19:07

Ask your therapist if you can skip one session and add one at the end. I’m in a similar role and have done this. Otherwise my own personal choice would be to go to the funeral- you will have at least 5 more therapy appointments even if they won’t reschedule this one. It also depends on how close you were to your aunt/ her family. It’s difficult.

Original poster
cpts · 13/05/2024 19:20

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. It is group therapy and I have a definite end date. I have been going for a number of years. On one hand one session shouldn't matter but given the proximity to me losing this amazing service I feel I need to hang on to it even more tightly. It just feels so selfish. I will probably decide when I am at the wake whether it feels more appropriate to stay for funeral or come back for appointment.

Thank you again everyone.

OP posts:
ThisIsMyRubbishUsername · 13/05/2024 19:26

cpts · 13/05/2024 19:20

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. It is group therapy and I have a definite end date. I have been going for a number of years. On one hand one session shouldn't matter but given the proximity to me losing this amazing service I feel I need to hang on to it even more tightly. It just feels so selfish. I will probably decide when I am at the wake whether it feels more appropriate to stay for funeral or come back for appointment.

Thank you again everyone.

I don’t think it’s selfish to put your mental health first.
4 hours is a long way to go for a funeral even if you haven’t got plans on that day.
You should think what your Aunt would say to you if she was still here. If she knew you were having these appointments, do you think she would want you not to miss it? Or do you think she would want you to prioritise her funeral?

WelshSmog · 13/05/2024 19:56

I have poor mental health and I personally wouldn't risk missing a session as this could cause a blip in your progress. Selfish? Yeah, but sometimes in life you need to be selfish, especially when it comes to your own health... You're still paying your respects by attending the wake so pay yourself some respect and keep that appointment

seedsandseeds · 13/05/2024 20:47

Personally I'd attend the funeral. It's a once only opportunity.
The therapy can always be repeated, a funeral cannot. And I say that as someone with poor mental health.
But you do as you think is best for you.

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