Feel like ambitious partner is being pushy?

[VioletW]

My partner is about to take a prestigious job and I am also starting a new job with a salary increase. He will earn 10-12k more than me and I earn more than average. A good salary.

As well as my job I have a hobby that I am successful in and won a prize for last year. It is my childhood dream and I want a job that allows me to pursue this. All in all, I'm happy with where I am.

Recently, partner suggested I should aim for the highest level in my job. He has never made any suggestions before and I felt annoyed he was telling me what to do

He brought it up again yesterday, saying 'so are you not interested in reaching a senior position?'

I'm concerned because 1) he shouldn't be telling me what to do and 2) I worry he's keeping an eye out for the more ambitious woman. I'm right to worry about it, aren't I?

I think discussing ambition and career stuff is perfectly normal in a relationship. I can’t say I’ve ever worried my DH was scouting for a more ambitious woman. Your post is contradictory — are you saying your current job involves your hobby?

@SuprasternalNotch no my job is totally separate from my hobby. I am earning a good salary in my current job.

I am now doing so well in my hobby that I have a chance to make a career out of it.

I think asking what a partner wants for themselves is different to saying 'I think aiming for X position and salary would be good for you.'

What happens when you say no? That’s the key thing

I don't see anything to read into.

So are people ok with their partners suggesting the salary and role they should be aiming for?

Maybe I'm missing that it's a part of a normal conversation. It feels more parental than partner like for me.

If you are happy, tell him that your content with current role you have and salary. He should be happy that you are happy.

Just tell him your ambitions don't lie in that direction.

I see where you’re coming from. Perhaps he thought he was being supportive as opposed to men who try and dull their partners shine.

Maybe be straight with him and say actually I’m doing so well in my eg. writing career (or whatever your hobby is) so I’m also focusing on that too.

Applying for senior role might not leave me the time and brain space to pursue [hobby] career. Things are great as they are now, no need for me to go for senior role.

Edit to add: instead of worrying why not just he direct with him? Also any man who leaves you for a more “ambitious” woman wasn’t worth having around anyway. I mean you’re clearly already doing well.

Is it because there was an implication that what you prioritise isn't worthwhile?

How supportive of your hobby is he?

Yes I think so @KikiShaLeeBopDeBopBop

He is supportive of other hobby. No doubt about it.

But I get the impression he is more focused on pushing my job because of the status and salary it would bring, ie the long term benefit to him for potential lifestyle, kids, etc.

I suppose I just worry he wants to mould me rather than love me as is

Personally I don't think there's more to it. I would have continued the convo by explaining him why you are happy with your current level/role that enables to do your hobby. I have had convos with my DH around work more than once among all other topics we discuss. Sometimes he brings up something that I can see makes sense from his point of view but it doesn't from mine and then I just explain him my thinking/feelings/point of view.

Then you need to have an honest heart to heart about it, your values etc.

He perhaps also needs to understand the appeal of the opportunity you have to progress your hobby into a profitable enterprise (& - sad to have to say this - the kudos in having a wife launching their own business).

It would perhaps be easy to write off his reaction as purely mercenary & ego but could there be something deeper provoking it? Eg did he grow up poor or in a family with financial challenges?
Is he concerned about funding a comfortable retirement?
What drives his definition of success?

I would be ok with this but just ignore if it didn’t suit. Sometimes men just like the sound of their own voices and to sound important/ knowledgeable

I wouldn't base my decision on fear of infidelity.

There’s a fine line between caring and controlling. Only you can decide what side of the boundary he falls.

@KikiShaLeeBopDeBopBop very good questions.

He didn't have a lot of money growing up. I reckon I grew up with a bit more. He talks about the fact he'll have not much of an inheritance - Ive already got some of mine.

He has saved a lot of money and feels ready to buy a property. I already own.

In terms of what success means to him, I'd probably have to dig a bit deeper on that one! One to ask him about

I think he is proud of you and proud of what you have accomplished and he's looking to the future.

Based on what you say about his childhood, his experiences might reflect his outlook on what the type of lifestyle you can both provide for your family, your DC etc..

Just have a discussion with him and be honest about goals. He sounds like he is supportive and that's great to have versus someone who is intimidated by your career or success.

Exactly, that’s a miserable way to live.