Parenting preschoolers with no support at all

[timeforalaugh]

This is a whinge and I do know there are a lot of us on here in the same boat. I’m not normally like this but I am feeling a bit sorry for myself.

I had my children when I was 40 and 42 so I’m not young . My parents died when I was young anyway so they aren’t around. My husbands parents are around but to be totally honest aren’t up for babysitting or anything like that. I’m not saying I expect it, and I was quite naive (😆 aren’t we all) before I had DC1 and didn’t expect to need or want a break. Mostly I don’t because it’s never been an option so I don’t miss it.

But I’m one of only two of my ‘mum friends’ who went on to have a second and the other friend has her parents who are very hands on. Added to this we’ve definitely fallen into the trap as me of default parent and it’s going to be pretty much impossible not to be as DHs work has become demanding and he’s being asked to do more, be away more, all the time. The youngest hasn’t been sleeping well and I’ve got them both, all week and my ‘break’ are the days I only have one child which isn’t really a break.

Then I see my friends social media and they are actually enjoying life and I think … I wish …

I know I’m being a complete idiot. I’m just so tired and I want a bit of time for me.

I'm sorry. I'm guessing they are still quite small. I.also think social media doesn't help. Your friends will definitely be having hard times too but most people don't photograph that for social media.

I had three. By the time they were school age they all played together quite nicely, and they could do stuff I couldn't. So when little one was stuck on a computer game one of the bigger ones would help. Little one is doing a levels now and still consulting the big ones for advice rather than us (very sensible as we're halfwits). It will get better.

The preschool years were hard though.

If you have the money I would strongly encourage either using AL to take time off when they are in childcare or finding a good professional babysitter so you can get some time off. It doesn't even need to be frequent. I think DH and I managed a night out once every couple of months in those days but it was a big sanity restorer.

We cd go out whenever we want now so hardly ever do...

Thanks for replying! They are 3 and nearly 1, so a very full on stage. I know it isn’t forever but since I’ve been on maternity leave I’ve had nearly a year of always having a child or two with me and it does get a bit relentless. While I recognise it isn’t forever it can feel like a long time when you’re in it, if that makes sense?

It's really hard but it'll get easier soon. My youngest is a couple of months off 4 and it's already so much easier. 3 and 1 nearly killed us.

We also have no family support but do have good childcare and very occasionally get a lunch out or book a babysitter for Saturday night. It helps.

Totally! It's relentless. And 1 and 3 is about as bad as it gets. 2 and 4 will be a lot easier. And once you're at 3 and 5 the 5 yr old will be in school and the 3 yr old will be in nursery at least some of the time l.

So your only need to survive this year. What is the kind of break that would work most for you? Some people really need time to do exercise, see friends or pursue a passion. Whatever what time do you need for it? Can you carve that out and if DH can't cover you can someone else?

If you want to go to.the gym which days and what times would be easiest? If you want to join a choir a book group or just gp for a drink with friends what evening does DH reliably need to be home to do bedtime?. If he can't can you find a local babysitter who will.cover that evening.

You are important too so making sure you get time for you matters and if you don't have family to help you may have to spend some money on it. But it won't be expensive for long

Even if you aren't planning on going back to work you are entitled to a break from both children if you have a partner.

I don't have a partner or any family/friend who can give me a break, but I have only one pre-schooler and they get 15 free hours at nursery which saves my sanity.

You need to get a break, if your mental/physical health suffers, then so does everyone in the family.

Do you have any hobbies/friends/interests?
In which case you need to carry on doing those things eg gym/running/book club/nights out and leave the kids with your dp or pay a babysitter.
Childhood is a marathon not a sprint and I've heard it gets easier when they go to school, but I'm not convinced, as then I'll be juggling more paid work and having to deal with all the school holidays. So don't count on life getting easier, get the correct division of Labour right now and get your child-free time established before you realise your kids are teenagers and you haven't got an identity anymore

In theory I agree. In practice, it’s hard to do so. The only time this can happen is at weekends and they tend to be a bit full on.

Its reassuring that it gets better soon my eldest is 4 at the end of the year - youngest will be 18 months then so anticipating her being a bit trickier but hoping he’ll be easier!

It's a small age gap. I don't have any help from family but we manage as dcs are 2 and 5, so the eldest is at school. DC1 was at nursery when DC2 was born so I've never had both of them for long stretches. DH works standard office hours and a short commute, so he's home by 5.30pm to help with bath and bed. It gives me enough support that it doesn't feel relentless, and I'm not tired, though Im 44. Things will improve massively once your eldest is in nursery/school.

I am a much better parent when focusing on just one and I've been a sahm since DC1 was born. I don't really spend any time away from my DC2 now but I don't feel the need to. She will start at a morning preschool later this year and I'm happy to wait until then before I get some me time - I'm definitely looking forward to it, but also feeling a lot of sadness. The time goes by so fast!

It gets better. And when they're grown, you look back and think how quickly those years went by. Although it doesn't feel like it now!

We actually found some things did really improve at 2 - mainly because we were happy to leave the room for a few minutes!

Yes I remember 2 being a turning point and more significantly two and a half. I’m looking forward to what four will bring.

I only have them both for two full days in the week but they are looong days. Enjoyable but as the evening sets in they both get irritable and it’s hard work!

You wanted children though, so you knew what it would be like?

It's what you signed up for.

I didn’t know what it would be like

I would absolutely have done it again but I didn’t know what it would be like.

It's really tough OP, you just got to power through it best you can. I had no family help either and had 3, including a set of twins. 'This too shall pass'. If you don't already have one get a babysitter if you can afford one and have those nights off.

Zero family help here too op. Solidarity! My eldest will be 6 in the summer

Helpful.

Also, no one who gets pregnant with a single one year old can anticipate what it will be like to have two toddlers/preschoolers.

In many ways going from 1-2 has been much easier than 0-1. I’ve got about five weeks left of maternity leave now and I think it’s probably a sign I’m ready to go back!

Zero family help here too. I'm exhausted from working full time and having young kids. My youngest is 3 and is a delight,, but going through a very stubborn age which is exhausting. I'm so envious of my many, many friends who have parents regularly babysitting.