DP thinks I’m drinking my feelings away

[HereComesSimon1]

So I’m going through a bit of a shitty time at the moment. Along with that, I have severe anxiety which is rearing its ugly head quite a lot at the moment. I have 2DC, a 7yo and a 3yo who is autistic. I love him more than anything of course but I can’t lie, life is incredibly difficult with him and I’m just constantly stressed.

I don’t drink through the week at all but now and again on Saturdays I do have a feeling where I just think “I want to get drunk” Last weekend I didn’t have a drink at all but DP is out with the kids today for a few hours so I have had a drink. DP phoned earlier, he asked what I was up to and I told him I was having a few drinks. He asked why and I said I just want to relax for a bit. He knows how stressed and anxious I am and he asked if I’m drinking my feelings away. I have never really thought of it that way but I suppose it’s possible that he has a point.

Is there any harm in feeling as if alcohol takes my struggles away for a little bit? I know when to stop drinking but I do drink to feel drunk/tipsy. As I said it’s not a daily or even weekly thing. No judgement please!

“get drunk” is drinking to excess

The fact he thought he would come back from a day out and find you drunk speaks volumes.

It’s really not about the volume of alcohol consumed or the frequency.

Anyone who uses alcohol to avoid facing reality and to change the way they feel is either already an alcoholic or well on their way to becoming one.

Listen to your DH and consider visiting your nearest AA meeting before it’s too late to change.

If you ignore it and fall further under its spell, you could well end up losing everything you hold dear.

it will be based on his experience given the OP says that every now and again she “wants to get drunk”

Good grief. I used to drink 2 or 3 bottles a night, the first one or two usually with friends and the rest when I got home. When I went into rehab, I was by far and away the lightest drinker (apart from the opiate addicts). I was also the only one who could handle a few days without alcohol.

I'm not telling you this to make myself sound hard or something, nor to suggest it's all fine until you're downing 30 units a day. It was not fine. I'm trying to add a bit of perspective to the inevitable shock-horror replies and dire warnings.

Having a few cans of Tin'n'Tonic at the weekend is perfectly normal. "Drinking your feelings away" is perceptive of DH, and of you because you agree. There are other ways to make the lights shine a little brighter when you're feeling done in - I'm sure you do some of those as well. Your little drink is much like a tub of ice-cream or a whole block of cheese now and again - it's self-soothing, not bingeing.

All the usual warnings about knowing your limit, acknowledging your feelings as well as temporarily soothing them, moderation is king and all that. You know it!

Just off to get myself a vodka in solidarity 😘

I think it’s really common, and a lot of people do it. How many people say oo i need a glass of wine after that day, and how many people do you know who have a bottle of wine or more with their DP every single Friday. However I do think we have a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol in this country and any time you are regularly drinking to relax, isn’t ideal.

You’re chemically altering how you feel, rather than dealing with the feelings. how long is it until you do it more and more, because why would you feel stressed every other weekend if a couple of drinks will help you feel better. Why would you feel stressed through the week, or during the day, if you don’t have to…
Is there a healthier better way to relax or to tackle those feelings?
I think if your dh, assuming he is normally a nice and supportive loving partner, is concerned about you, then you should probably listen.

I don't think having a few drinks on a Saturday afternoon once in a while is a big deal - what is a big deal is that you are constantly stressed and have severe anxiety. Are you getting help or taking any meds for the anxiety? Is there anything you can do to reduce your stress levels? Is your 3 year old in nursery yet?

You’re chemically altering how you feel, rather than dealing with the feelings.

But sometimes having a break away from your feelings IS enough. If a situation cannot be changed, and can only be endured, a break from those feelings can improve things immeasurably. It's only if it becomes too frequent that it becomes a problem.

i have read and read this post and i’m still…. utterly confused and also - you’ve been to rehab and now you’re out but you’re drinking vodka? is that a joke?

You do know that alcohol increases anxiety? its a vicious cycle- alcohol increases anxiety when it wears off because your brain dumps a load of chemical stimulants into your system to maintain equilibrium from the depressing effects of alcohol on your central nervous system so then you need more alcohol to reduce this rebound effect and the cycle continues.

If you have anxiety, alcohol is one of the worst things you can do. This isnt about judgement it's about the factual effects of alcohol on your brain. Obviously, its completely up to you what you do but it would be wise to research this because its increasing your anxiety over time, not relieving it as you seem to think.

Sorry you're confused. The idea of perspective was that four canned G&Ts once a week or so is NOT problem drinking. I attempted to show that, having consumed approx 30 units a day for several years, I still wasn't a "real alcoholic". I definitely DID have a drinking problem and would most certainly not recommend drinking anything like that much, or drinking any amount every day.

But drinking something now again is no worse than other relaxing or self-soothing tactics, and more effective than some.

My goal was to become a "normal", non-problem drinker, since you've asked so politely 😏 Rehab was one of the most formative experiences of my life. I stayed sober and went to meetings for a year after, then started to train myself. As it goes, I didn't have that vodka because I remembered I'd had two pints of beer the day before.

I'm quite pleased with my success in regulating my alcohol, though I'm very lucky the heavy-drinking years didn't do any organ damage. Some of my rehab peers got away without health problems, too - some didn't. That's luck and genetics, not a thing you can plan for.

* attempted to show that, having consumed approx 30 units a day for several years, I still wasn't a "real alcoholic"*

according to whom?

FFS, if you can't be bothered to read my post ...

yep i did

and still not clear . you seem to be comparing yourself to other in patients at a rehab centre as your benchmark for not being an alcoholic

I've decided to answer this as some other problem drinkers might be reading.

They told me in recovery that drinking's like getting into a lift that only goes down - a long, long way down. Conditions get worse the longer you stay in it.

I was fortunate to have got out on a fairly high floor. We were all doing well to have got out of the "lift to the bowels of the earth" at any floor - a lot of people don't, it crashes at the bottom and they die in hell. Some twits get back in after leaving the lift.

I had one backslide during my sober year, and it helped me to remember that I'd just got back in the bloody lift after struggling up the stairs for months. I got out again.

Why was I on a higher floor when I exited this metaphorical lift? Despite the phenomenal amount of wine I was drinking, I had no withdrawal symptoms. I was able to go a few days without it, and arrived at the clinic sober - they breathalysed me and did a blood test. I missed my wine and was annoyed at having to drink water with dinner, but I was there to learn how to make this my normality. Some of the others really suffered in their first week.

Sticking with the lift metaphor, you could say getting pissed one night takes you one floor down. The climb back to the beginning is the hangover.

Some people don't bother to tackle the stairs; they just get back in the lift (drink again) and they keep getting out, deciding not to take the stairs, and hopping back in again, going a few floors further down each time. These are people who insist they can handle their drink and don't get hangovers - because they never make the effort to stay out and climb up! Eventually they'll just carry on drinking, staying in the downwards lift while it takes them to the bottom.

Rehab & recovery support you to climb the metaphorical stairs from whichever floor you're on. There's still no upward lift; it's going to be a hard slog. So it's best to either not drink at all, or to make sure you only go a tiny way and leave space in your life to get back up.

It sounds like OP takes a small trip in the 'Downward Lift of Forget-Your-Troubles' once in a couple of weeks, giving herself plenty of time to recover and rebalance. Her everyday life's pretty tough, and climbing a few more stairs on the Sunday probably feels like a fair trade for a bit of Saturday relaxation.

Apologies for the really long metaphor - it meant a lot to me!

Well done @Garlicked and that's a good metaphor. I like it too.

The OP has had a few weak cans of 4% fruity cocktail and admitted it made her feel better at the time. Yet on here she's a raging alcoholic 🙄 fuck me. I do not know where these people come from but it's not the real world.

The OP has at no point said it was a "growing problem" as you describe. Its not even every week let alone every day.

The quantity and frequency is not an alcohol problem. The problem is the stress and exhaustion.

If DP thinks a couple of drinks in the garden in barbecue weather is a problem then he needs to help address the cause of the "problem", rather than tell her that she is the problem and making things worse. He can consider ways to reduce the stress levels or anxiety levels or offer an alternative way of relaxing (not a bloody "spa day").

Frankly considering the pressure and expectations society puts on women who care for family members in need the last thing they need is the finger wagging over an afternoon in the garden with some drinks.

OP: if the anxiety is ongoing or of long duration its worth seeing your GP but for the rest discuss with DP what he can do to help with the stress at home. Are you connected to any local support groups for other women in this situation?