I shouted at DS

[Sunnysat24]

Ds is 17. His sleep is really bad . He's often up all night, sleep in the day. around 4.30 am woke as 8.40am He fell sleep around 12 noon. He asks me to wake him . 9 times out of 10 . He never gets up and me trying to wake him is a waste of time. I try 3 times no joy so I give up. But today he was meeting his older sister . So I woke him around 1.40pm . But I also asked Dd to ring him . Because I thought if I wake him and he stirs /semi wakes up he might hear the phone. And is more likely to answer because his phone is more worth answering than responding to me... he was kind of half awake . Dd rang him and said to me there's something wrong it's not going through. So I (tried) tell him his sister is trying to call him. And he stared waving his hand in the air and Over taking me . Projecting his voice so I can't talk. I simply wanted to say your sister is trying to call you . Then i shouted OH FUCK OFF and slammed the door.

I realise now after writing it . I'm the one doing a teenage strop. But also I get so fed up of being spoken over not being able to finish a sentence.

Sounds like sheer frustration. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. Why is his sleep so bad? What does he do about school or work if he's working?

100% understandable OP.

Hes nearly an adult and needs to get into a better sleep routine and be a bit more independent too.

It is sheer frustration, and one sentence and a slammed door is pretty low down the parenting crimes list.

But it is a warning that you need a better approach.

He needs to get himself up, why are you doing all this?

Is he gaming? is that what’s impacting his sleep?

I think you need to address the sleep issue, WiFi timings etc.

in the meantime. Don’t beat yourself up for having shouted at him, he deserved it.

Why is he allowed to sleep in all day?

I wouldn't tolerate it. He should be up and doing things, not wasting away in the dark like some type of creature.

Thank you for replies. Yeah I guess it's not the end of the world. I just felt a bit bad because I would not normally do that.

The sleep pattern etc I have no control over. I can't actually make him sleep. Some times he tries to get into a better pattern then its messed up again within a few days.

Hes not up gaming all night he does things like go out at 2am /4am roller skating . Because he likes empty street and the quiet of the early hours.

He does not go to college /work because he had a lot of mental health issues .

Hes not up gaming all night he does things like go out at 2am /4am roller skating . Because he likes empty street and the quiet of the early hours. Well that’s great, but it’s clearly the reason why his sleep pattern is up the swanee and he needs to sleep during the day.

If he wants to be a night owl, then that’s up to him. But he needs to organise his life appropriately, which means not making plans to meet people when he’s likely to be asleep and not relying on you to put up with his shit. You are not a concierge service and wake up calls and putting up with rudeness is not included with his food and washing etc.

Tell him you will not be waking him up again unless there is an emergency. He has a phone? Then he can set the alarm on it. If he sleeps through it and misses his plans, then that is something that he needs to deal with the consequences of. And absolutely do not worry about telling him to fuck off. No, it’s not the way you would usually deal with things, but perhaps it has made him think that if he’s pushed you to the point that you’re saying that to him, maybe he’s pushed you a bit too far?

Yes, he may not be well enough to attend college or work, and yes, he’s still a teenager. But it sounds like you’re already making his life easier for him because of that. He has to learn that there are consequences to his actions now, before he becomes an adult and finds that his life becomes very hard and difficult to understand.

Such a bit of pandering, I would not tolerate any of that. Staying up all night is not going to help his mental health. The boy needs routine. I would be worried for my child’s future with this behaviour.
You are totally not being unreasonable to tell him to Fuck off.

Oh ffs I'd not be pandering to all that. He needs to grow up, get up and get a bloody job. No wonder he's having mental health problems if he never gets any sunlight or social interaction.

What's he going to do when mummy can't support him anymore and he's got no life skills or work history whatsoever? Enabling this lifestyle is doing him no favours at all.

It won't even enter his head that he pushed me to far. Probably thinks I'm due on ...

But yes Im only going to wake him if its Important. Other than that he can sort himself out.

You told him to fuck off because actually he should fuck off. Fuck off and grow up and take some responsibility for himself. Do nothing else for him. Make the fuck off count.

What's he going to do when mummy can't support him anymore and he's got no life skills or work history whatsoever? Enabling this lifestyle is doing him no favours at all.

Young people like that tend to just get their parents to put in a universal credit/ ESA claim for them, won't do it themselves because can't handle a phone call due to 'mental health', usually. They then spend their lives wasting away, expecting to magically get better while they do fuck all.

I would gently suggest that he needs structure in his life, I understand the mental health issues however something like voluntary work involving something he has an interest in would be great to get him onto a path where he is active at normal 'working time,' and would hopefully help him sleep at a more normal time. I don't know the whole situation but doing things with other people like his sister is a lot more difficult if his lifestyle is so different from others.

How's he planning to live his life if he does fuck all every day and won't study or get a job or even get up shower and come downstairs. If he's got the energy to go out bloody rollerskating at 3am then I think he's got the energy to do some kind of work or even get up in the day and help with some chores or something. Mental health issues are not an excuse and if he genuinely is incapable of functioning he needs to be going back to the doctor and getting some more help.

If he's determined to be a night owl, could he not get some night shifts? Then at least he could be productive while he's awake and start to build up some self-esteem.

I know I made this post to have a moan about ds and that I felt bad for telling him to fuck off . I now don't. Thank you .

But I also did not make the post to turn into a slag off thread towards ds . He has complex mental health issues he's having therapy and exploring things. Going roller skating is nothing like getting a job he is skating alone in the silence of the night. It can't even be compared .

He's going to have bigger problems than people online judging your parenting if he doesn't get a handle on his life. All this lifestyle is doing is compounding his issues.

I'm no stranger to mental health issues. CPTSD, attachment trauma, treatment resistant depression, anxiety, panic attacks. Also having a shitload of therapy. You know what would make it worse? Staying up all night, sleeping all day and doing fuck all, never engaging with any aspect of adult life. At some point you do have to crack down as a parent and insist they help themselves.

Otherwise nothing changes and they become adults living like teens, ending up homeless when their parents are no longer around as they never learnt to function in the world and can't cope.

He's nearly an adult....talking over someone, waving your hands around and being rude will often result in someone telling you to fuck off.

To be fair you don't know what we have already been through.

I did not mention about judging my parenting I just said that i made the thread to moan about ds and I had felt bad telling him to fuck off. That does not mean I want to turn it into a slag Ds thread. Especially when no one fully understands the situation. You may fully understand your situation because its you that's Been through it. Its your thing . We all cope with things differently what works for you may not for ds.

I'm not about to go guns blazing and undo the progress he had mad so far .

Today was about he pissed me of because he spoke over me. And the waking up situation. I have said he now has to wake himself up . Unless it's urgent. So he can take at least some responsibility.

Ds is 17 this part of his life may be a bit of a fuck up. He's still very young and he does have the chance to make things better for himself which he is slowly doing ( it may not seem it to others) but he is compared to before.

It's ok to feel pissed of because someone spoke over you, understandable, especially because you were trying to do DS a favour. I think you're doing the right thing in setting some boundaries on responsibility, this can only benefit DS and is good parenting. I don't know your bigger picture so not going there.

It sounds as though you could do with shouting at him more often! He needs to get into a reasonable routine.

I don't really want to be shouting at him. Although It can feel temping. It would just cause more stress . But im definitely going to be more firm with the waking up thing .

He was rude to you.

You told him to fuck off. 🤷‍♀️

Seriously - if he's old enough to make arrangements to meet people and to speak over you rudely he's old enough to suffer the consequences of his own actions .

Take a step back. Let him learn the hard way.