I had a good childhood/upbringing but…

[Frubeten]

I’ve been reflecting a lot on my childhood and life and while I have so many happy memories and love my parents dearly I have realised their capacity for emotional support was not great. Looking back this makes me sad that I wasn’t able to share all my feelings and worries with them especially as a teen and it has followed me into adulthood. But generally I feel very happy and lucky. So it’s a strange feeling. I also wonder how to make sure my own children don’t feel like that with me.
anyone else care to share their “I had a good childhood but….” thoughts?

My parents were hopeless at this. My Mum was passive and my Dad was dismissive and clueless. Dad broke the cycle of physical abuse from his childhood and I think my Mum was deeply unhappy and had a lot going on.

I think some of this is just generational in terms of cultural norms and experiences. And possibly also to do with the kind of security and stresses (financial, social etc) that your parents grew up with versus you. In my case, my parents were very affectionate in their own ways (and in ways I did not fully appreciate until I was much older). I expect my child will think the same of me because we'll be generationally so different.

Also, it's probably normal (as in developmentally normal) not to share your worries and concerns with your parents when you are a teen. For sure, it's nice that some are comfortable to do so but a huge part of being a teen is separating from the parent. I've been thinking about this too as I have a child but I'd caution against thinking you'll be the special parent who is different from the norm.

I would consider yourself to be very lucky. Your parents may not have been perfect but they tried. Count your blessings.

i grew up in Australia & I think having the option to be outside often helped to escape some of the problems with my parents relationship. I always think of the past & my upbringing, I was the eldest of two boys with 4 years between us. I remember good times but don’t really think there was much emotional support but I think that’s just because it wasn’t really a thing. In the late 70s & 80s it was just pull your socks up & get on with it. I try hard these days to support my daughter emotionally & my wife is excellent at being supportive also.
I think the fact you recognise it & care to think about it will help you to give the emotional support to your children when they need it. It’s okay these days to be present & available for your children, my wife always reminds me you only get one chance.

Exactly the same as you.

I'm now almost 40 and find it so hard to talk about my feelings. However I am getting better at opening up about how I feel to my DH and my DS9 (when appropriate).

I'm trying hard to talk to my son more about everything in general in the hope that he feels comfortable opening up to me when he needs to. I hope it's working. Seems to be, at least for now.

Are kids supposed to talk to their parents about their worries & feelings?

It never occurred to me to see them in this way.

Well of course. Parents are (or should be) babies and young children primary attachment figures and are the ones who console, nurture, support them throughout their lives. Obviously as they get older they get support from other people too but yes I’d see that as an important role of being a parent

You're incredibly fortunate to have had a great upbringing and still have living parents.

Dwelling on ourselves and our childhoods is rarely useful, unless we're in therapy for a specific issue. No person is ever even close to being a perfect parent,aand you can't change your character. My parents were very closed off emotionally and not affectionate and I'm the opposite.

And literally no matter how great you are your kids will find fault.

Just do your best, like your parents did. You'll get it wrong no matter what, but that's ok, we're all just human.

Thanks. You are all giving me some good perspective here. I am really lucky to still have my parents and they are so good to me

But... My mother only ever put herself first. She was cold, emotionless, verbally cutting and dismissive, I was a child! I left at 17, and could have been dreadfully damaged by her. I got lucky. My boyfriend had lovely parents and the years I was with him were an amazing experience of how a family should function. I have modelled my parenting on theirs, not the selfish parenting I received