Does anyone have family members who not-so-secretly don’t want you to succeed?

[forlocketug]

My own grandmother seems to dislike any success I have in life. It’s almost like it rattles her or makes her feel bad. She views herself as middle class and me as working class

For example, when I was growing up I had applied for a job at a local shop. This was okay to my grandmother and she suggested that maybe I should like to aim to be a shop manager one day.

She knew full well that I was gunning to go to medical school to be a doctor (which I am). Another time she said maybe I should aim to be a nurse instead.

When work is busy it’s almost as if she wants me to dislike it and will say things like “I did tell you they would work you hard” in a smug way which suggests I should have known my station.

When I met DH, she made a comment that my middle class dh would probably prefer a girl of his own standing.

She's a bitch OP.
My sympathies.

She sounds awful! I hope the rest of your family are a bit nicer!

Yep, my mother. I gradually distanced myself and although I’m sure that she still hears what I’m doing from other people I don’t care as I don’t have to hear her opinion.
The final push was when I realised that she was doing it to my dc too. I’m so proud of them, I can’t imagine being like her as a mother.

Ouch. That's just downright mean. You carry on succeeding.

My parents are like this. We haven't spoken in years though

Sounds like she wanted more out of her life than she was able to get (through being born in a certain time, or not having any parental support, who knows) and that she is resentful of you having been able to chase your dreams.

I feel sorry for her on one hand, but I don't sympathise with people who don't want more for their offspring than they had. Can't relate to that at all.

Sadly, a lot of PEOPLE don't want anyone else to succeed. Evil eye is a thing.

Keep your plans to yourself and people you know you need for help, when the time is right. Keep them secret otherwise.

Unfortunately, a lot of people have an internal snobbery where it's "appropriate" for certain people to do well and do others.

Everyone else is shamed or quiet digs are made....

What's worse is the people criticising will attack (say) a woman or someone non-white for being ambitious or progressing in life (maybe as it shows them up?) but be complete arse lickers when it comes to some random neighbours kid!

I've noticed I've always had the worst kind of comments and behaviour when I'm making the best decisions for myself and my future.

My mistake was (sometimes) taking them seriously. Grey rock her and your life will be more peaceful.

My mother is like that

There are people in my family I am NC with. Some of them have done really bad, harmful and some criminal things but I still don’t want anything bad to happen to them because how exactly would that enhance my life in any way.

I want people to thrive and grow and ideally get better, even people who have harmed me.

It would take a very not well person to want someone they actually supposedly love not to succeed. I think the best you can conclude is that a person who cannot want the best for people they love is really not emotionally well.

Some people have to make themselves feel better by tearing others down.

My mother is like that, too. Hated me, wanted my sibling to succeed, praises everything they do while rubbishing everything I've achieved.

Most noticeable the day I told her I was getting married. Face like thunder that only lightened up when she told me my (completely NT) sibling can now cook meals for themselves at the grand age of 33.

These kind of people are best dealt with by cutting them out of your life.

She's jealous of you. It's odd for a grandmother to treat a granddaughter like that.

My mum does that. Any small achievements of mine are massively eclipsed by 3rd hand news of people we are very distantly related to.

I think she doesn't want me to succeed so that she can put me down for not being a success. If I was a huge success she wouldn't be able to do that.

My mother

She seemed to think the only job I'd ever have was a waitress (nothing wrong with being a waitress at all)

She did everything she could to stop me from doing everything else while doing everything she could to help my brothers do what they wanted to do

I went nc with her and back to college-and started passing exams

She hated it-started spreading lies that the only reason I passed was I was handing out sexual favours to the tutors (ignoring the fact they where all female)

She went mental when she found I'd qualified

I just laugh about it

Narcissist op they can't stand others achievements.

But I also have family members who arnt narcs, but are insanely jealous who didn't want me to succeed

My mum is like this. I don't think that it is her not wanting me to succeed, just lack of any recognition that I have. My sister can do no wrong, however if you spoke to me, and then my mother, you'd wonder if she'd ever even met me from her description.

She has no clue what I do, what my interests are, she really knows nothing about me.

Things went well for me for a few years and my sister was so jealous it was terrible. She absolutely could not cope and acted as though we were worst enemies. Then things kinda went downhill about ten years ago (reverted to type, basically) and she has been much, much happier and friendlier. She doesn’t seem to mind if total strangers do well, or are happy, but she somehow needs me to be struggling in order to feel all right about herself.

That's awful, I'm so sorry.

My parents and MIL made disparaging / undermining remarks when I went back to university as a mature student. All very supportive of their sons' professional successes, yet it wasn't acceptable for me to want to progress. Years down the line I became seriously ill and had to take a step back from work. They could barely contain their satisfaction.

You my own nan and a sister too.

Yep. Narc mother here too who once gleefully announced this about me in front of DH and my 5 DD's "Let's face it reckless - you've never amounted to anything have you?"
Ah, but I have! I've loved, grown, adored and raised 5 amazing, strong women who are all different yet all beautiful people who can actually see with the eyes of their hearts which is more than could ever be said for my mother. I am beyond proud of them - they are our biggest achievement in life, our legacy and we're proud of what we'll be leaving behind us once we shuffle off the mortal coil.
OP. Ignore and try to protect yourself from being hurt. I've done that by rubbing my mother's nose in the fact that amongst my DD's I have an amazing learning disabilities nurse who is THE most empathetic person I've ever met, an assistant head teacher - passionate and inspiring particularly about literacy, an award winning bank manager and a brilliant doctor. Somehow she's missed the memo and whilst showing off about the achievements of my daughters to anyone that will listen she has not once engaged with them, told them she's proud of them or even invited them round for a cup of tea. Ultimately you reap what you sow - they don't bother with her now and I don't blame them.
Both my sisters went NC with mother years ago yet as always she's in denial and claims not to know why. Meanwhile my golden penised brother will continue to be received with the pedestal and the red carpet on his rare visits to the old bag. [Not his fault - we get on well!]
I'm 68 years old and my mother is 92. I simply hope she doesn't outlive me because I can't wait to see what life is like without this last piece of shit in my life.

Sorry everyone having to deal with these idiots.

One good reason for going NC or keeping your business to yourself.

I've actually almost got as far as I want to go in terms of credentialism, social status, so taking a step back, even though I could proceed into a very "bragging rights" pathway which I don't actually want?

I need to do what's best for me and my finances and health and life plans.

I'm wary of continuing as I feel I've got "something to prove" and not because I actually want to.

The trouble with dealing with these spiteful critical types is they can warp your sense of what really genuinely works for you.

It might work better for your finances and work-life balance working in a supermarket, or part time.

It might work better for you (sometimes) NOT to complete a course or training programme.

So just being super private can be useful, so you don't worry about gossip and focus on yourself.

I'm not on LinkedIn, the people I try to spend the most time with aren't competitive dicks,....life is peaceful.

My mother. No matter what I achieve she belittles it and belittles me to people constantly. I am now no contact with her.

There are loads of us on a thread called 'We took you to stately homes' if you needed any advice on toxic family members.

Yes, my mum. She clearly wrestles with a very complicated set of emotions and behaviours around seeing me doing well in life.
Every promotion seems to physically pain her. The agony is etched across her face.
She was very careful to make sure she didn't celebrate my recent 40th in any way - not a glass of fizz offered when I visited, no words to wish me well, and hers was the only card without '40' on the front, which is all part of trying to ensure I don't get too big for my boots.
As a result, I share less and less with her as time goes on and she's becoming increasingly irrelevant to my life.

My mother. To a slightly lesser extent my father too. Unfortunately for them I've learnt not to give a flying fuck any more.