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Neighbour with dementia

6 replies

Kachew · 09/05/2024 17:13

Just typed a massive post as there's so much to this situation but no one needs to read the whole saga so I'm going to try to be brief. My NDN is an elderly man with dementia who lives alone. We were neighbourly until he really started to deteriorate and became overly demanding (knocking my door up to 20 times in one day at its worst) and eventually aggressive, trying to force his way into my home on one occasion because he was convinced my house was his.

We worked with the housing association (we're both tenants) and adult social services to put measures in place to solve some of the issues (increased carer visits etc) and then simply stopped answering the door, which seemed harsh but was really the only thing that helped. Eventually he stopped knocking and things have been quiet for a while.

Except now he's started up again in a slightly different way, everytime I leave the house he's there, I can't go out to my bin or accept a delivery without him appearing with another (imagined) problem, yesterday it was that his dog had escaped, he doesn't have a dog. He's clearly ill and confused but he's crossed the line again today, I arrived home and he appeared before I could get to my front door. He was saying he'd had some sort of problem with his lights last night and I was listening but trying to get to my door to unlock it at the same time and he pushed himself between me and the door so I couldn't get past and get into the house and refused to move. Fortunately my other neighbour (who knows all the history) saw what was happening and came over and she managed to distract him and defuse the situation but I'm not sure what I would have done otherwise.

I know it's the illness rather than him and not his fault but it's starting to scare me now, he comes across as though he thinks he's entitled to my time/help and gets really annoyed if I don't seem willing or am busy/on my way out. I've spoken to the housing officer and social services today and reported what's been happening again but, on past experience, I'm not confident there will be much they can do. What else can I do? It feels a lot like harassment if I'm honest but it seems horribly cruel/dramatic to report an elderly, ill man to the police, although maybe that would trigger more help/action from SS? He really needs to be in residential care now (his son agrees) but he's somehow still deemed as having capacity (?!!) and obviously doesn't want to leave his home.

Sorry, that still wasn't brief was it! Any advice would be massively appreciated, I genuinely don't want to make his life any worse than it already is but it's getting too much.

OP posts:
MsFaversham · 09/05/2024 17:16

I would contact your local councillor who will take it up. If you are feeling a harassed and scared at any point call the police. It will only get escalated if the authorities know what is going on.

WhenWillTheSunShineIWonder · 09/05/2024 18:03

Is the son nearby? Do you have his phone number? If so, I would call him every single time there’s an issue, multiple times a day if needed and tell him that he needs to come as his father is distressed. The man is not your responsibility but has become so, by proximity, and that isn’t fair on you or him. It’s so hard these days to persuade SS to provide a care home place but this is what is needed. I would also be putting multiple calls in to social care, telling them the man is vulnerable and not safe. And he’s a danger to others. I’d also call the police in a situation similar to the one you were in with him blocking the door - he’ll then be on their radar and they will also put a referral in to social care. There are so many elderly people being failed, it’s shocking.

CornishPorsche · 09/05/2024 18:14

Contact the police on 101 - you can report this online to save sitting in a queue.

Report again to adult social services.

Do it every single time. He's not coping with and may be at the point of needing additional care - perhaps in another location.

This is a common call for police and SS to dealt with, it's a concern for his welfare every single time. He's clearly not properly situated any more and you are not his carer. You have no responsibility here, so pass it to those who have the responsibilities.

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cadburyegg · 09/05/2024 18:16

My dad had Alzheimer's. He lived with my mum up until he became aggressive and slightly violent. I called the Alzheimer's society for advice and they told me to make a safeguarding referral on behalf of my mum. I did this to adult SS. They were really good and did an assessment over the phone (this was peak Covid times) and decided he didn't have any capacity and needed to go into a home. My mum wasn't coping and extra carers wouldn't have helped because whilst this process was going on, dad was still going out and getting lost, and had to be brought home by the police a couple of times. Mum couldn't stop him going out because he'd get aggressive and she couldn't leave him even to go to the toilet.

I'd suggest calling the Alzheimer's society and see what they say. They were very helpful to me. Make sure you mention everything here, and say you're concerned about aggression and him attempting to force entry to your home.

Kachew · 09/05/2024 18:24

That's the problem WhenWillTheSunShineIWonder, I know he's being failed and it's not his fault, that's what makes the whole situation so upsetting. And it's not social services fault really either, all about the money as usual 😠 I am in touch with his son but he's (frankly) not the sharpest tool in the box, doesn't live locally (and doesn't drive) and has a full time job and 2 disabled DC so there's not much point calling him most of the time. He visits as often as he can (at least once a week) and organises the carers, all NDN's shopping, bills/money and takes time off work to go to medical appointments, I do feel like he's doing as much as he can. Am seriously considering reporting today's incident to the police, maybe that is what's needed to spark some kind of action, even if it feels extreme.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 09/05/2024 23:26

Definitely report to the police. Yes it's a sad situation and he's elderly and ill, but your welfare matters too. If he hurt you, even inadvertently, you wouldn't be hurt any less because he's ill.

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