Feel like my head is going to explode, desperately need advice please

[sprigatito]

Life is a bit of a mess right now with the main components being:

1. my Dad has Alzheimer's, and his beloved partner/carer is in a hospice dying of cancer. It's only a few weeks since diagnosis, so horrifically fast. I live 300 miles away from him so can't do the day to day care he needs, I have just spent four days there cleaning his house, talking to his doctor (I have power of attorney), getting his prescriptions organised and taking him to and from the hospice, but now I've had to come home and all I can do is phone him every day and try to talk him through taking his pills and getting taxis etc...it's constant worry and his partner probably only has days left. He's never been properly housetrained, he won't wash or eat unless someone tells him to.

2. MIL (who has always been extremely difficult, and we don't have a great relationship) is having a breakdown. She is convinced her house is going to fall down, her bank accounts and phone have been hacked, full blown paranoid delusions. DH and his brothers have had surveyors and drain specialists in to reassure her about the house, they've replaced her laptop and cleared her phone and contacted her bank etc in front of her to try to show her that everything is fine, but the delusions are entrenched, so trying to prove to her that they aren't real just makes her angry and she thinks they're "in on it". Her partner is doing his best to keep her calm, but he has prostate cancer and is elderly himself. I think it's some sort of dementia and she needs an assessment, but she refuses point blank to go to the doctor, and the doctor says they can't do anything unless she comes in voluntarily.

3. DS (19) who has had addiction issues and had been recovering and doing really well, has relapsed. He came into our room last night sobbing and told us he's been taking coke and ketamine again, he hates himself etc. I don't know how to help him, the GP was useless last time we asked for help and it took me weeks to get DS to talk to him. He won't see a counsellor, and I'm just terrified he'll end up taking his own life.

4. our other DS is autistic and very highly strung, is at Oxford and has finals in 3weeks, he also has a history of self harm and MH problems, is very upset about his adopted Gran being in the hospice, and he has a big scholarship riding on his finals results, so I'm really worried about him too

5. DH was told yesterday that his company is going into administration. They didn't pay him (or anyone else) in full last month and probably won't be paying next month. There's a chance DH might be offered some sort of job in a shell company being set up out of the remnants, but no guarantees. It's an overseas employer so getting the money owed out of them is complicated. We're fucked, basically. I can't earn nearly enough to cover the mortgage, never mind everything else, including DS at uni, and at the moment we need to be able to travel between here and my dad/his mum regularly (neither of us can drive for medical reasons).

So, it's a mess. I feel like sticking my head in the oven. If anyone has advice, especially about MIL and how to get her the help she needs, I'd be very grateful.

You need a massive unmumnetty hug

Your son with addiction has fallen off the wagon but can get right back on it. Its ok to have a blip. Could he go and help your dad and take him self out of the situation?

Your eldest is stressed. He will be fine.

Take time off work. Get signed off with stress. Go to. Your dad

I think you and your DH should split the caring responsibilities, so he's the main person responsible for his mum, and you are the main person responsible for your dad - thinking about it that way, and trying to deal with it that way should take the mental strain off a bit. If you are both worrying about everything, it will drive you both mad.

You need to find a carer, or a team of carers, to go in to see your dad every day, and I agree with Maddy that you should get signed off work and go to stay with him, if you possibly can.

Try again to get your youngest to see a counsellor.

I think your DH should cut his losses with his employers, and start looking for another job right now.

For your MIL, maybe a mental health charity could offer some advice? Sometimes, in this sort of situation, the only thing to do is to wait for a crisis.

I would love to be closer to dad and look after him, but he lives in a tiny 1 bed flat on an "assisted living" development and it's against the rules for anyone to stay there. He and his partner didn't live together although he spent a lot of time at hers and she made sure he ate and drank and went to medical appointments etc. I would like him to come and live with me once his partner dies - which will be soon - but he is very opposed to that, he lives in the town he grew up in and is very attached to it. Am trying to get hold of the warden at the development he lives on, but they are hardly ever there and don't seem to do much actual supporting.

I hear what you're saying about only worrying about our own parents rather than both worrying about all of it, but we're just not that way really, we're both ND and have been together since our teens, we share everything and DH loves my dad as much as I do. His mum is trickier, but I can't just switch off caring about her.

I've made contact with some of my cousins who live closer to my dad and they've been brilliant, they'll take him to and from the hospice a few times a week and check in on him, so that's a big leap forward. I'm still worried he won't be eating or taking his medication though. Just feel so strung out and panicky, I was meant to have a call with my best friend this evening but she's ill, so I'm downloading it all here instead

Final shameless bump for advice

I'm going to say drop the MIL problem entirely. You and your DH have enough on your plate, and his brothers will have to do whatever can be done.

You can't do much for your older son either, except suggest he leans on his college for support (and if possible, alert them about his situation yourself). Also tell him, out loud, that the world will not end if the exams aren't all he hopes. I do have a highly strung autistic student son myself so this is said with huge sympathy.

I think you need to prioritise your younger son -- and your own health. You're being assailed from all sides here.

That’s exactly what I was thinking.
@sprigatito You are obviously someone who has a huge sense of responsibility and feel that you have to look after everyone, but you just can’t. Frankly your MIL isn’t your responsibility at all and besides, nothing anyone says will stop her thinking like this. It would be better for you if you could accept that you can’t help her, and stop using up your emotional energy on her. Step back.

Your son at Oxford has support available from his college and the central university. There’s nothing you can do to help him through his finals apart from being there to listen if he wants to talk.

I get that this is your personality, but worrying about all the other adults in your family and trying to solve all their problems is not going to benefit anyone, and this level of worry and stress is unsustainable. Hard though it is, you’d benefit from taking a deep breath, stepping back and spending time looking after your own health and wellbeing.

I have no advice really. But I wonder if your son at uni would be able to do extenuating circumstances just in case. No idea how it works but maybe something to look into.

Has your dad had an assessment from social services? I would ask for one and hope that he can get some care in place. They will help with his meds and make sure he gets his meals.

I think you're all right, I need to prioritise and step back a lot. It's just all landed on us so quickly from all directions, we've both got really flustered and overwhelmed. DS1 has a supportive partner and a good relationship with his tutors, he has access arrangements in place to minimise the stress already so I just need to trust that he will be OK. DH's mum won't speak to us at the moment anyway so there's a limit to what we can do personally, but if anyone has any experience of getting help for someone who point blank refuses to see a doctor, I'm listening!

DS2 is obviously terrifying. I had a long talk with him today and made sure he knows that we are right here with him whatever happens, we will never give up on him and a blip can be overcome - he's done it before and he can do it again. He's now accepting that he's probably got ADHD and is a bit more open to the idea of having an assessment for that rather than self-medicating with lethal drugs, but we can't afford one at this point.

DH is writing his CV and looking at job sites, and I've got a cousin going round to check up on Dad in the morning.

I suppose it is my nature to try and solve everything, it sounds narcissistic but my role in the family as a child was peacemaker and emotional crutch to very dysfunctional parents and siblings, so I suppose I take everything to heart...and I am on long term medication for depression and panic disorder. I just need someone to talk me down sometimes, and DH can't do it because he too is on the ceiling right now!

@MsFaversham he hasn't yet but we have talked to him about it. He was quite resistant to the idea. We're waiting for the final confirmation of our POA so we can talk to his doctor and start to get that ball rolling.

Oh my gosh OP, you must feel as though you are absolutely drowning.

I hope it helped getting it all out, listing it, and realising the priority order to some.degree.

I don't have any advice I'm sorry; only sympathy. This is a very hard part of your life; but it will pass and stabilise.

Get ds2 to speak to drug & alcohol services or whoever got him clean before.

@Yazzi that's exactly how it feels- drowning. Two weeks ago everything was on an even keel.

@Nat6999 he has never had any support or intervention from anyone, the waiting lists for any kind of support are ridiculous and he's incredibly anxious and avoidant. He recovered last time through our support and his own determination (I don't like the expression "get clean" DS isn't dirty, he's just struggling with addiction and self-medicating)

Christ. What a shitstorm. Anyone would be keeling with so many individually-dealable-with stressors landing at once.

I teach at university level. Your older son will be fine in two weeks. Every finalist that I have seen this week has been a neurotic mess (and these are mostly neurotypical). It's a cruel examination system, but it passes and it's very difficult not to get a 2.1. Do not suggest that he defers. That delays the agony. He will do the exams and he will be fine.

Agree with previous posters that on parents you divide and conquer, do what you can and accept that no outcome will be perfect. Your focus needs to be on yourself and your younger son. Can he go to the GP and discuss the relapse? It is indeed very difficult to get an initial assessment for ADHD as a first-time adult patient, but it isn't nearly as difficult as a young man with serious addiction issues to get in front of an NHS psychiatrist. That person will be able to diagnose him with ADHD if it's the right diagnosis and ADHD medication in itself helps many to stop or curtail substance abuse. (Taking small amounts of amphetamines every day to avoid taking large amounts of coke isn't as crazy as it sounds. The rates of substance abuse among unmedicated people with ADHD are phenomenally high.) Also, from your own perspective, please try not to be too anxious. It's good that he's talking to you. And some young people do both coke and ketamine in moderate amounts for years without affecting their long-term health. These are dangerous and frightening drugs, but they aren't a death sentence, and most people recover and stop using them.

Look after yourself.

Would DS attend an NA group perhaps? They're free, no waiting lists and totally non judgemental.

That's so helpful, I keep rereading it. Thank you. DH and I are going to go for a long walk tomorrow and have a picnic and a proper break. DS2 made it into work today and has come straight home afterwards, he's going to see a few friends in our garden this evening - he won't take drugs here - and then have an early night...so baby steps, but we're sticking together and communicating well. Will try and get him a GP appointment on Monday.

that all sounds incredibly difficult.

I’d look at ds doing a self referral to local addiction services. There may be peer support, for example, available quite quickly?

And call the local mental health crisis team about MIL. They may be able to do a home visit?

If your dad has the funds can you engage a care firm directly to support him?

@hopsalong is correct about the link between addiction and and ADHD and it's now thought that the ADHD has to be addressed before the addiction can be effectively treated

www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/adhd/Pages/ADHD-and-Substance-Abuse-The-Link-Parents-Need-to-Know.aspx