*TRIGGER WARNING* Terminating pregnancy

[Amch]

Firstly, I am so sorry if this is not actually the place I should be turning to. I completely appreciate that this is a divided topic and that many people could potentially become quite upset by the title alone.

I am however, feeling incredibly alone and sad. I really need some advice and somewhere to turn to.

I have 2 dc (young - eldest is of nursery age).

Failed contraception which I naively thought was incredibly, incredibly rare and would never ever happen to me.. but here we are.

Any way, I am pregnant and at this moment in time the thought of having another baby and 3 children under 4yo makes me feel depressed, if I am being totally honest.

I love my children, I am incredibly grateful for the age gap between them. I find it doable, manageable, enjoyable. I do however find it hard at times. I feel at my limit with 2. I co sleep with the two of them. I wouldn’t not co sleep as we wouldn’t get as much sleep but could not co sleep with 3 of them!!

I would struggle massively. Massively. I can list so many more reasons other than just the sleeping arrangement but honestly I summed it up when I said that the thought of having another any time soon makes me feel depressed. Imagine bringing a baby into the world whilst admitting you find the whole thing depressing. How awful.

Morning sickness is hard, the end of pregnancy is hard, the newborn stage is hard, breastfeeding is hard. All while looking after two toddlers?? I could not.

However, I do feel something towards ‘it’. I feel terrible for ending it here and never knowing who they were. Unfortunately though, the depressed feeling outdoes the other feelings.
I haven’t even told DH about the pregnancy as I think.. actually I KNOW that he’d be slightly mortified.

We both have said that we may like to try for 1 more in the future, when our children are both in school, more independent and sleeping independently. We liked the idea of the children being big(ger) siblings so that they can ‘properly’ enjoy having a baby in the house. That they could properly (and nicely!) play with the baby/toddler. We both would love that.

I wish I could pause it for 4 years but I cannot. I feel so drained.

Hello. Here to tell you whatever you choose is totally ok and valid. It sounds like it’s not the best timing for you here, and it’s understandable that it has thrown you as it was unexpected.

The only thing that makes me think you should REALLY think before terminating is the fact you do want another child in the future.

Fertility isn’t guaranteed. Supposing you couldn’t conceive 4 years down the line, how would you feel then? Would it stay with you forever, or would you be able to accept what you did now?

I had a very early termination years ago as we didn’t feel ready. When it came to TTC again, it took 4 months. We were then elated to fall pregnant and I miscarried at 5.5 weeks. I was horrified. I am mid 20s and never thought it could happen to me but it did. We didn’t wait to try again and conceived the next cycle. I am now 12 weeks and (hopefully) so far so good with our rainbow baby. Easy for me to say with hindsight but if I’d had vision into the future I would have given that pregnancy a chance some years ago, despite the circumstances.

I think what I’m trying to say is that if you want a third child you should maybe face your fears and accept you have been blessed with them for a reason now.

If you could make peace with not having a third in case it doesn’t go right for you, then that’s perfectly fine too. (You may well be able to, I’m just thinking of all eventualities)

Life throws us a curveball but you always have choice, and whatever choice you make will be right for you and your family. Sending you a big hug. Do what your gut tells you. X

Sweetheart mumsnet is very much a place you can turn to with this. I'm so sorry to read your distress. It's absolutely fine and valid to choose to terminate for the reasons you have, or pretty much any other reasons.
You are obviously a lovely and loving mum and you want the best of yourself to give to the two existing children you have.
Be kind to yourself and make the decision that you need to make.

@Sparksi I really appreciate every word of that response and thank you for sharing your story, too. Congratulations and wishing you the happiest, healthiest pregnancy x

Thank you@heldinadream, you are right in that I do want to give the best version of myself to my two children. I already worry enough about dividing time between the two of them. It’s very hard, if not impossible, to imagine finding even more time for somebody else. My relationship would definitely suffer and my once weekly hair wash.. well… I dread to think what that would become! All jokes aside, I appreciate your response and it’s a weight lifted being able to talk about it.

You’re in totally the right place.
And you’re right, it can be a really divisive topic but that doesn’t mean you can’t talk about.
I was in a similar situation and terminated. It was not the the right time for us and we had been sensible taking precautions.
As soon as I knew I was pregnant I knew I wouldn’t be keeping the baby. It never felt like a ‘nice’ thing to do but it was 100% the right decision for me. Dh would have kept it given the choice but understood that it affected me the most and that we weren’t living in ideal conditions to bring another baby into our family.
We did go on to have one more child, planned for a few years later when we were ready and in a bigger house (we had been in a 1 bed flat with the first 2dc saving desperately for a house deposit) and his business was up and running and it felt like the right time.
Only you can make the decision but whatever you decide to do is your choice. We are so very lucky we do have a choice 💐

@TheChosenTwo Thank you so much. I really appreciate hearing your story. Laying here tonight feeling very weird. Most probably because I haven’t told DH and having to act completely normal. Ahh.

I'm glad the weight feels like it's lifting and hopefully you'll get more responses to help with that.
You might find you get more attention for your post (or just more of the appropriate attention) in the 'pregnancy choices' section rather than chat.
If you report your own post to mumsnet and ask them to move it they will - not necessarily quickly especially at this time of night, but they will move it for you.
It might not matter but I thought you might like to know that there is a specific section for making choices around being pregnant.
Hugs to you. Hope your husband can be supportive too.

It is totally up to you but don't make a rush decision either way, talk it over with DH and discuss all the pros and cons. As long as you are sure either way, do the right thing for you.

My sister found out quite late with her unplanned third and had to make a quick decision to terminate, she then had a planned 3rd a few years later (new job, more income, BIL inheritance so timing was right that time) but she ended up with terrible guilt and PND due to feeling she had made the wrong decision to terminate what would have been baby #3. She couldn't look at family photos as, in her mind, someone was missing. She thinks now it was the rushed decision that caused the problem even though it was really the right choice for her at the tine.

Your reasons are really valid. Please do talk to your DH, this isn’t something you need to decide on your own. And he’ll be able to tell something is up and want to know. It sounds like you’ll be on the same page and it really is ok.

I'm sorry you're feeling so panicked at the thought of a third child now. I think many of us can relate to that ❤️. I would echo what PPs have said in terms of talking to your DH, and also thinking through carefully before you make a decision. Try to take more than your feelings into account, because it is more than feelings that are at stake here. By this I don't mean that feelings are not valid or important, because they are. I'm just saying they're not the only thing.

I have a friend who was in almost an identical situation to you. Her children were 5 and 3 and her pregnancy was unplanned. She was in what I would call despair throughout especially the early stages of her pregnancy, and found it extremely difficult to contemplate what life would be after the baby arrived. The baby is now 5 years old and my friend can't imagine her not being a part of their family. I say this to show that although life can sometimes demand of us more than we think we can cope with, sometimes we can do more than we think. And every phase does end.

Thinking of you as you process this change and make this decision ❤️

How are you @Amch ?
Have you managed to tell your DH?
Hope it's getting a bit easier to make whatever decision you need to make.