I need help with my weight

[pocketheart]

And not in the way it might be presumed.

Firstly I don't think for a minute I'm in danger of slipping into having a serious eating disorder - I'm 54 and have managed to avoid this so far....

I've always been petite but have also always been very careful (in a very secretive way) about what I eat. So for example I'll tuck into cake etc but then will skip a meal to 'compensate'
I weigh myself every. single. day.
Nobody knows this, not even dh. Everyone in my life regards me as blessed with a naturally slim figure and my dd has a brilliant attitude towards eating etc
Not once have I ever mentioned diets, my weight etc The irony is she talks about what an amazing role model I've been, what a brilliant attitude I have to food etc
I'm thankful for this (even if I feel a total fraud!)

During my 20s late 40s I could easily maintain my weight between 8.7 - 8.11st. At 8.7 people think I look unwell but this is when I feel amazing, I have no desire to be any smaller and at 8.12 I still feel good and like how my clothes look etc
Since hitting my 50s it's got tougher. I've lost my waist and now am generally around 9.1 - 9.3st
Objectively I know this is nothing but it feels like everything to me. I feel like my body looks enormous, that clothes look awful now but do they really? Is it such a big difference or all in my (ridiculous) mind?
I have nobody to ask, literally nobody knows what I put myself through.
Sometimes I wish I didn't care. Most of my friends are stones heavier than me, they eat and drink what they want and it looks bloody joyous!!!
Maybe I should just 'let go' but it scares me.

Thanks if you got this far. I don't know what I'm hoping to gain from this thread but writing it down feels good.

Maybe I should just 'let go' but it scares me.

What, exactly, scares you?

Scared of not looking like me?
Scared of people noticing I'm bigger?

I eat so much less than I did 10 years ago to maintain a weight I can 'cope' with but I'm aware I'm getting older and it's going to get harder not easier!!!

To be blunt you need therapy. You have an eating disorder and a disordered body image. That's not something you can magically fix overnight alone.

I'm a stone heavier at 60 than I was at 50 and still look exactly like me (albeit older!)

Was someone significant in your life critical of people who are 'bigger'?

That is certainly blunt! But I'm listening to everyone so thank you.

@Eyesopenwideawake
Absolutely not, mum has a brilliant attitude to food and is actually quite overweight but very confident and healthy etc All my close friends are mostly quite big but again very confident and happy in their skin.
But then everyone thinks I am, so who knows?!!
I can only describe it as being associated with me feeling good about myself? I love feeling super slim and that feeling is addictive I guess?
I don't know, I mean I'm super healthy, skin is good, gp described my recent health mot as absolutely brilliant for my age.
I've got loads of energy etc

@Cocopogo Unless you're based somewhere around Bedfordshire, then you wouldn't be able to get support from the group I did probably. They're a small charity, so don't work nationally. BEAT might be of use to you though? Look it up online.

I was being blunt mainly because I have had disorganised eating and a similar skewed sense of self my entire life. I've had people give me platitudes for it, been told it isn't that bad etc. But it has been debilitating. You can't heal a problem until you admit you have a problem.

It's only been in the last 12 months since having therapy for unrelated things that I've finally unpacked a lot of stuff from my childhood, as well as my eating disorder and body image. I'm far from cured, but actually admiting and accepting I have a problem in itself has been life changing.

Just want to say that my Binge Eating Disorder support group was run by a CBT therapist, and an Assistant Psychologist. I am not ashamed to say that. They also do personal 1-1 therapy with some people.

I actually had a task to do that taught me that generally other people are too busy to go around staring at you because of your weight. Body confidence has also come back to me more from doing 'mirror exposure work'. Basically spending around 40 minutes looking at myself in a mirror, and describing my features - not in a positive or negative light, but in a neutral light.

I agree that therapy would help. Your identity and self worth are all tied up in how you look. There’s evidence of perfectionist thinking there - only a certain weight is good enough; if I weigh the ideal weight then I am worthy, etc. CBT would help

Mine stems from unresolved Childhood trauma. I was abused/bullied as a child. I was also brought up to clear my plate at every meal, and then - only then I could have a pudding. As my family were not well off, I really appreciated the food I had. I also remember my parents giving me food to try and cheer me up with - e.g. sweets & chocolate, and cake. These are what things I binged on. Bingeing temporarily made me feel better/happier when upset, but it never lasted. I have had to learn to deal with my emotions in a more healthier way as an adult in my 40s.

@Awwwwooooga - I agree that therapy would help. Identity and self worth does tie up. CBT challenges all our skewed thinking styles, doesn't it?
I was told to find new/social things to do for myself, that were not tied up in me thinking about my weight and shape. I have since become more confident socially. For example, I started going to a Knit & Natter group. I went today. The change in me I have seen has been huge.
I have perfectionist tendencies, and lots of disordered eating comes from that.

I was bullied as a teenager but am very much at peace with it in a way but maybe this needs exploring?
It's a hard thing to acknowledge and I actually don't see it when I look in the mirror but I'm aware that I am considered very attractive? I think the whole menopause/invisibility thing has been an adjustment to me and I maybe view remaining very slim with still being attractive!

The sad thing is dh absolutely worships me and even after nearly 20 years is incredibly complimentary etc It often falls on deaf ears though and that makes me feel sad!

@pocketheart - Yes, I never fully have healed from being bullied myself. I totally admit that I need more therapy for it. I gently suggest it may be worth exploring that more.

It sounds like your self esteem could be worth exploring too. You need to be able to love yourself, no matter if anyone has a critical opinion of you. (I know that's easier said than done).
I am in perimenopause. Before HRT, I literally was feeling invisible/like I didn't matter. Menopause can easily make us lose confidence.

Sounds like you have a unhelpful thinking style of staying very slim = I am more attractive. I can say I have had those thoughts too in the past. There are many other reasons that you'd be attractive, like your personality... It's just hard for you to perhaps see that currently?

I too find it extremely hard to accept any compliments from others. That's another area I need to work on myself in therapy. It's like you hear something nice, but just can't believe it for yourself. I hear why that makes you feel sad. I too am very self critical, so being kind to myself is/was quite 'alien' to me. You're not alone.

You may find that your friends already know. We have someone like you in our friendship group who I’ve known since uni, I can see she’s exceptionally careful about balancing what she eats and if she has cake it’s a small bit and she eats less later. She’s slim for a reason. No one ever comments on it. I’m a pig who manages to stay on the upper end of normal by exercising a lot. We all have our mechanisms!