A thread to share what helps young boys to become the men we want in the future. Roll up and share your advice!

[MsMuffinWalloper]

I'm listening to the podcast on BBC Sounds "About the boys" https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/m001yshl
And I notice a fair few seem to have no male role models. I'm a single mum myself so I understand sometimes having no male role model is preferable and I'm not here to pick on families who don't have one, more to find out what the decent dads/men in your son's lives (or you yourself) do. I have girls and am getting them to listen to the podcast too, as it's important they try to understand issues that seem to be more divisive.

I think it might be worth having a thread where we can say what works, what we think might work to help boys' mental health, behaviour, views on the world and life? I'll suggest some questions and just be open to what posters want to say if their advice doesn't fit in any of them. Hopefully it'll be a good discussion and help someone somewhere!

1. Porn - do you talk about it and the effects on the brain and body?
2. Do you suggest films or books that you think are good for life lessons?
3. Does anyone have discussions about how the patriarchy isn't helping men either (MH issues seem to mainly stem from men's expectations of each other)?
4. Do you talk about friendships and how to listen, be kind, rise above it and ignore etc - the same things girls are expected to do?
5. Do you have hobbies for them to channel their energy/anger?
6. What is the best thing you think you have taught your son for them and for others?
7. What do you think your son/boy worries about the most in his future?

Let's see what we can learn from each other to help the next generation be different, right? Please be kind and respectful - this is to help not to stereotype!

Teach them the importance of kindness and empathy first.
Teach them about the patriarchy and the oppressive history of women.
Teach them that unfortunately it's a man's world and women still struggle for equality in the home, workplace and society.
Teach them to understand women and the importance of doing so.

Teach them that when you enter a relationship, she is your equal, NOT YOUR MOTHER.

Teach them about mental health and the importance of taking care of it.

Teach them the importance of being emotionally literate and being a good, open communicator.

Teach them to put the bloody toilet seat down.

Talk about healthy relationships and boundaries
Talk about consent

Following!

Do you think there's a good way to do that so they listen?
I think sometimes we forget the young generation don't always recognise the patriarchy as beneficial, because to them it means they are expected to be strong/earn/have power/lots of sex, which is a bit much really, by anyone's standards! I think we're doing great things for girls but the boys need to feel heard and empowered to change things for their generation too.

It’s a really interesting podcast isn’t it. Women’s hour had a good phone in on the subject last week too.

I think sport can be a fantastic support for boys. A way to let of energy and steam in a safe way that’s monitored usually by great role models. Things like scouts as well. I also think boys need time as just boys - a circle of friends if you will.

talk about the value of individuals - we all have equal value regardless of class, wealth, sex, race, nationality etc.

therefore -> build self-value
therefore -> treat everyone as having value

appreciate the OP mentions there may be a reason for no male role model (ie single parent) but there are lots of men around who can be role models from teachers to sports coaches and those in the public eye - discuss what they demonstrate well and where they struggle (everyone struggles, no-one is perfect).

discuss how to be the best ‘them’ possible - so eg if called Bob - what is the best shape of Bob - does he have skills in music or sport, academia, making things, a good EQ, sensitive, etc - what makes up who Bob is and then how can he be the best shape of that? (A million miles from aiming to become famous or world champion or an influencer!)

Share videos of good role models. For example, Tony Robbins , Steven Bartlett ( and the men he's interviewed ), Terry Cruz.There's probably lots more out there.

Yes, I think it's very individualistic in many ways and boys tend to be treated as a bit of a mass from 12 onwards.

I agree sport can be very helpful, both for respect, friends, rules and using up energy. I suppose I do often wonder if that can sometimes be where some negative masculinity can be re-taught though - "don't be a p*ssy" comments and general need to be tough, not cry. Don't get me wrong, I don't want boys wailing at every slight just as much as I get annoyed when girls do, but I do think sometimes sport can be where the physicality and psychology can cross boundaries you wouldn't accept elsewhere in life. If I think on it more I suppose I don't feel Karate/Judo etc would do that, but more football and rugby. It's possibly just my perception of it being a bit more about dominance and aggression than skill? Having to be a tough boy to fit in.

EQ is hugely important. Anyone got good book or movie suggestions?

This is the video of Terry Cruz I mentioned. It's v powerful seeing a big manly man talking about overcoming his porn addiction, his violent father, how he conquered his temper, and the importance of vulnerability.

@Appalonia Thank you! I'm off to watch now.
I don't have many males 'liked' on my feeds on socials, but I do follow Dwayne Johnson (aka The Rock) - he treats his wife and kids so well and I love his family posts and wise words.

I teach/have taught mine to be gentle and kind. To be aware of difference and be accepting and interested in it. Any Andrew Tate type discussions or them noticing sexist type comments or actions from others are discussed as to why that’s wrong, how that impacts women and how that makes them look as a person. Lots of talk at home and school about consent and relationships. DH is a great male role model and they have had sports coaches and other family members who’ve also been great. We have always been accepting of their quirks and that there is no ‘typical’ man. They are them and that’s amazing.

This is another interesting interview with Matt Fiddes, who came from a working class background and has been v successful setting up martial arts trainings around the country. He seems v keen on guiding young men and as a successful sportsman is v disciplined. ( he was also a bodyguard for Michael Jackson, not making any comment on that here ).

Self esteem and emotional intelligence. Teach boys how to talk about their feelings, insecure men are the source of many problems

Boys need to be around strong women every bit as much as they need strong male role models. Boys need to see women who are capable and independent and successful. Ideally they will have male role models who literally ‘model’ kindness, consideration and love towards women.

Living amongst people who respect each other is so important. No drama. Good manners and kindness should be an absolute daily example set in a home where calm is key. People who have a strong work ethic, who are ambitious and keen to achieve goals in life.

Boys also (imo) need something outside of the immediate family and school. A team sport especially, or a passion that drives them and gives them purpose. Team work and camaraderie and just developing really strong bonds with other boys is so important.

Also, fwiw I’ve said boys here, as that was the OP but I’d say the same applies to girls too.

There seems to be something about sport that is v helpful for boys and young men. Think it's a combination of teamwork, fair play, comaradrie, integrity, rules and discipline, as well as the health and fitness benefits.