Do you have a very strong-willed child? Please talk to me!

[dinosaurzoo]

My 3yo (nearly 4) DS is very very VERY strongwilled. He is loving, gorgeous and sweet of course, but incredibly hard work sometimes.

My tactic is to let him have control where I can / where it doesn't matter. So that I'm not constantly nagging him or saying no to everything- only when I have to. Obviously there are certain scenarios like safety where I have to draw a line and set boundaries. The problem is, on those occasions he really really hates being told anything.

For example, let's say he throws something hard near someone, or runs across a road. I will get down on his level and calmly but firmly explain we don't do X and give a simple reason why not. He will stick his hands over his ears, or shout "I don't like it" over and over.

My mother says I should shout at him or punish him (in her day with a smack) on these occasions but that's not my approach.

Two questions I have are:

1. in the short term what else can I do?
2. in the longer term, is this going to be his response for evermore or will things improve? I'm guessing strong-willed preschoolers turn into nightmare teenagers do they? Or will he become a bit more reasonable with at some stage?

Experienced mums of strong-willed kids please advise me!

My DS2 was a very strong willed and determined toddler! His older brother and sister were very compliant children so it came as a bit of a shock to me! Firm boundaries, picking your battles, everything you're already doing.

I have to tell you that he is an amazing 14 year old. Kind, gentle, considerate, self-disciplined, fun. I wouldn't have believed you if you'd told me that when he was 3yo!

Ok, that gives me massive hope!

Does he hear the word "no" at all?
I've observed a parent saying that type of thing to a child. It seemed very 'nice' way of chastising. A really clear "NO" do NOT do that- can be good to do. Then follow up with the why. As he has probably switched off listening. And if you start with lots of words he's stopped listening by the time you get to a very gentle way of saying no.

Why my child did something like that I was strong and clear vocally. And generally asked why did you do that? Was that a good idea? Think!
It's now a joke in our house.

Yes, like I said, I say no, firmly and calmly around danger or safety hotspots. But as soon as I start saying no he closes his ears!

I just feel like he is at an age where he is no longer a toddler, and is old enough to understand things on a clearer level, and starting school this Sept will need to follow rules etc, so should this be improving now - or am I being too hard on him / me?

And how can I do my best to pave the wfh for a good relationship with him when he's a teen (and not have him ignore me completely)!

Watching this thread intently. I have a nearly 3 year old who is strong willed and very independent but doesn't like the word 'no'. It's very exhausting having to constantly pick battles and manoeuvre around tantrums after saying that dreaded word 😔

Is it a boy thing? Watching friends with girls his age is so disheartening and feels like I'm doing something wrong.

If anyone knows the magic cure please let us know!

My DS was just like this when he was a toddler/primary school aged child. If he felt he was being told off he would shut down and if he decided he didn't want to do as I asked there was no bribery or threat of consequences that would make any difference.
What I discovered, rather counter intuitively, as that actually it was better if I made him feel more in control and also didn't try to explain why he should/shouldn't do something at the time that it was happening, but left it until a time when he was calm (but stating clearly at the time that 'we don't do that'). When I say making him feel in control I mean, for example, my DS often refused to get dressed for school. When we were calm we had a discussion about it, including the fact that if he was dressed by himself when he got up there would be time for me to make him eggs for breakfast (his favourite) but if he wasn't getting dressed there just wouldn't be time to do this and there would be no choice but to have cereal (which he was not so keen on). By wording it like it was just a factual consequence of his choice to get dressed/not get dressed we seemed to avoid the arguments that I should do what he wanted even if he didn't do as I asked.
The good news is that he is a lovely teen (as a pp said about hers). I do wonder if perhaps part of the reason that we have fewer arguments now than some parents and teens is that we had to work out a way of communicating that worked for him when he was younger. I know that sounds a bit twee/over simplistic but I can assure you that we went through a lot of stress and arguments to work this out!

My son who is 5 nearly 6 was exactly like this! When he started school it really helped him and I saw a huge change in his behaviour for the better.

Very interesting @sockarefootwear thank you! I'm going to persevere!

I hope so @bearcubb !

My tactic is to let him have control where I can / where it doesn't matter
My tactic is actually the opposite of this. I’m not hyper controlling or anything (I don’t think!) but I find it helps to enforce boundaries and hold firm over some of the smaller stuff, and then they listen more when it comes to the big stuff because they know you mean business.

Like your example of throwing something hard near someone, would you also stop him from throwing soft stuff, or throwing things when no one is nearby? A blanket ‘no throwing, we do not throw’ regardless of where or what is far easier for them to understand than being allowed free reign to lob stuff around his room and only being told off if it’s near someone.

Also, I find mine gets overwhelmed with too many choices and behaviour is worse as a result so his ‘control’ is usually limited to 2 choices e.g. green top or red top, and if he doesn’t choose because he doesn’t want to get dressed then the consequence is that he loses that choice because I’ll pick and wrestle him into it.

I’m much firmer with him than I was with my older daughter who could just be told to get dressed and she would but I feel like it’s what works for us.

Re your feedback- just keep going. Firm boundaries, clear message. He will get there eventually

I was with you, until this: I will get down on his level and calmly but firmly explain we don't do X and give a simple reason why not.

Your mum's view that you should give him a smack like in her day is not okay either but there is a middle ground. Consequences for this sort of behaviour are totally okay and appropriate. So if he throws something at someone, you say NO firmly, and then you take his hand and you remove him from the situation. When he is calmer, you can explain to him why (most likely, he won't listen at that point and he's too young to udnerstand lengthy explanations anyway).

SIL did what you did at the same age. It had zero effect. And he's now an 8 year old child who can't do simple things like sit at a table with family without screaming and shouting about how he wants to be gaming or on his ipad or whatever, or hold even a short conversation with anyone who isn't his mother. He only stopped hitting and hurting our DD after we took action ourselves and when he did it, we got up and left in the middle of a party, much to everyone's dismay. But he hasn't hit DD since so I consider that a win.

Thanks. He's also exhibiting quite a lot of teenage behaviour now! Not answering when I ask about nursery! Though perhaps he's tired. This evening I was insisting he get into bed and he said I was boring

He sounds really funny!
And yes it can seem a bit teenagery.
I always asked specific questions about preschool or else I got zero info. It sounds like he is finding his agency and seeing how far he can push.

He is funny bless him! And he can be a total joy, and so imaginative and adventurous, plus loving - when he feels like it!

I agree with @InTheRainOnATrain that being firm about the smaller stuff pays off when dealing with the bigger stuff. It’s also much easier to practice at home, than in public when there’s an audience judging.

We had a rule that if he hit someone with an object, it was taken away. In most cases whatever he walloped his dsis with was a toy he was playing with. That’s the kind of thing that better stamped out when it’s a teddy than when he hits a stranger in a playground.

But I agree with not wanting to be constantly giving out. Dc like this need loads of physical play and positive attention. I found Raising Your Spirited Child excellent.

I also found it interesting to consider child developmental stages. It’s reassuring to know what’s happening is age appropriate, but also important to consider what is effective at different stages. You might be talking too much in those moments, when he’s not capable of processing verbally.

It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but I borrowed heavily from the Steiner/waldorf approach at that age. There’s a heavy emphasis on connection, sensory experience, spending time outdoors, and holding strong safe boundaries as the parent. The Parenting Passageway has some thoughts on the different ages and stages.

But if there’s a different approach that you feel comfortable with, try and find good resources to read/listen to. It helps a lot when you’re taking a different approach to how you were raised/how you’re being encouraged.

I’ve got one! @dinosaurzoo

1. declarative language was a game changer. So instead of ‘pls close the door. I just say ‘ the door is open, I feel cold’ and he closes it .
2. give options on how to do something. So instead of ‘let’s say goodbye’ I say ‘do you want to wave or to high five to say goodbye?’
3. make it a game. I bet you can’t eat all your pasta in fifty seconds.
4. be very clear about the absolutes eg roads or hitting or teeth or whatever and set a behaviour improvement chart. So every time you go out and he doesn’t run off he gets a star.
5. regulate- this is so hard but try not to panic or shout. He needs your help to regulate.

otherwise all you’re doing sounds like us. Low demand, let him have more control and free rein than other kids but not be a knob.

i am also reassured by the other comments about lovely kids on later life cos it’s bloody exhausting now.

Just following as my 3yr sounds very similar! Bright and funny but so strong willed! I'm trying to put my foot down in the calmest but clearest way I can.

No can be a triggering word for some kids....a good trick can be asking them to do what you want them to do rather than asking them not to do something you don't.

Also, just want to say OP, with the way your mother sounds to be able to try and break that cycle of punitive punishment and authoritarian parenting is admirable....not easy to do when it's not been your own parenting template.