DS17 not made friends at primary school/high school/college...is there any hope he will find his tribe at uni?

[Wearygirl]

It breaks my heart. He's so lovely and funny, a little bit odd but in an eccentric way.
Hes self conscious and shy. Overweight which upsets him.

My older DD and her friends think he's great and genuinely enjoy his company. He has loads of online friends.

Hes so lonely tho but too shy to join any groups or anything.

I feel like uni might be his last chance to make friends .

Has anyone's child only made friends at uni?

No experience but he sounds bloody lovely. I'm sure he'll meet uni friends

He very likely can find them but he'll find them much more readily if he gets involved in some societies. There will be lots, and likely some that will fit his own particular interests, whatever those may be. Encourage him to get involved in them, and he'll probably find people to connect with.

He sounds so sweet. Uni will be great for him. Maybe over the summer he could work on his self esteem (couldn’t care less about vanity but for himself he could take up a bit of sport just for the confidence)

wishing him the very best !!

Yes I think so. Most people at uni want to make friends

The problem with school is there's so much history, it's a small environment and people really care about others opinions. It can mean that once a reputation has been formed e.g. someone who has no friends, no one is willing to break that by being their friend, or they are worried how others will perceive them. Plus it's a very limited pool of people. Uni there's people from all walks of life, people on your course with similar interests and it's a fresh start

My dds became very close to the people they lived with.

It's important to get to know people quite quickly as second year house shares are usually chosen in first term.

Uni also improved my dcs confidence and independence . So hopefully it will help. I think it's easier to make friends at uni than high school.

Hi OP, it is different for everyone but you asked for positive stories so hopefully mine will help. My child struggled with friendships all through school and has blossomed at uni with some lovely friends. It is lovely to see. Well done to your DS for getting through school when it hasn’t been easy for him, ans aspiring to Uni. Wishing him all the best with it.

Even though he is shy, he should try and join a group/club. When people have an interest in common they will have things to talk about, and it's easier to become friends.
I hope everything will work out for him, and that he will have a great time at university!

I know he needs to join a club but he's painfully shy and I cant force him.

What if he's in halls at uni with sporty/drinking 'lads'...he won't bond with them?
Can you find nerdy non sporty gamers to live with? Do unis try and put similar people together?

When we were looking at accommodation OP, there was a ‘quiet’ option. I can’t remember how it was phrased exactly but it was geared towards students who wanted a quieter more peaceful life, or perhaps neurodiverse students. As another poster said, there are so many more people at uni than school and you’re not pigeonholed in the same way. It does help.

So, this is my literal job, and my advice to him is this:

• Join some societies, and go to them. If you feel awkward about it, pick ones where you do some sort of activity (chess! knitting! editing the newspaper!), because then you can get past gaps in the conversation quite easily by concentrating on the thing. Try to pick at least one cool thing you've never had the chance to try before, like archery or whatever. If you really get stuck, go to the cinema club and most of the time will be spent watching films anyway.
• Do something completely outside the uni bubble - a job, or some volunteering. That way if uni feels a bit intense and weird, you get to step away from it at intervals. And you'll be building your CV at the same time, win-win!
• People on your course are another group of potential connections - the subject interested all of you enough to want to do a degree in it, so you have something in common there.
• You may or may not get in well with the people you live with in halls. That's why you also do the other stuff. With halls, aim for peaceful coexistence as a starting point.
• There's a thing called the spotlight effect, where basically nobody is paying anywhere near as much attention to you as you worry they are. Remember this and don't worry too much what people think of you.
• Baked goods are almost always welcome when introducing yourself to flatmates.
• It's normal for it to take some time - often quite a bit of time - to click with people at uni. That doesn't mean you're doing it wrong, it just means they're a bunch of randos you don't know yet.
• Remember that social media is highly curated and people generally present the best bits of their lives - so don't be disheartened if you see other people online apparently having a great time all the time and you feel completely disconnected from that.
• Get your head round all the practical stuff before you go. If you can already cook, clean, do laundry, pay bills, navigate public transport, book doctors appointments, and so forth when you get there, then you're not dealing with the background stress of feeling a bit inept at everything. If currently you feel a bit inept at those things, you have lots of time to work on that before you go, so embrace it.

I was that child through school, always on the outside of groups and never really fitting in.

Went to uni and forced myself to get involved with things on campus and over the 4 years I was there went from not being brave enough to walk into the uni bar on my own to standing on stage in the spotlight hosting the end of year student review in front of 1800 students!

I still meet up with uni mates 30 years down line so if I can do it there's hope for anyone!

Good luck to your ds- he sounds lovely and I wish him all the best with his next chapter.

"I know he needs to join a club but he's painfully shy and I cant force him."

Of course you can't force him, but can you perhaps talk to him and make him see that it's a good idea to at least try? Can his sister talk to him about it?
You seem to be a helpful and lovely family.

Perhaps when he is at university he will find that he actually wants to join a club/group.

Also, good advice from @Persipan .

I never had a tribe at school or uni. I have one friend from each still (I'm 33). However I now have lots of friends I have met throughout adulthood neighbours, work, partners friends, having my son etc. I still don't have one big group but have a lot.

I just think maybe I could be more myself as I grew older. My DB is the same although he does have good mates from uni but went a bit older at 24.

One thing DC noticed was that of all the shared flats / houses on campus the uni seemed to do a good job of matching people based on their courses I think.

ie DCs house is a good mixture of similar subjects physics/maths/comp science, so even though they most definitely are no strangers to going out and some are involved in sports, they all have a heavier work load etc so understand & respect each other when it's time to knuckle down.

DC had very few friends before uni, but out of a house of 13 (!) at least half are now very good friends - and the advantage of there being so many of them is that some will stay in while some will go out, so you won't ever be left on your own, you just choose which group to join.

My DS had friends at primary but withdrew a lot at secondary and by sixth form had just 1 friend. His flatmates were very different from him and he had nothing in common with them.
He forced himself to go to things like the course nights out the first few occasions though he didn't know anyone. He is now incredibly happy and well integrated on the course, lives with 3 best mates and having the time of his life.

His sixth form friend is doing the same course at a different uni. He was invited to the first night out but refused as his ID hadn't arrived and he wouldn't be able to drink. He is still quite isolated.
DS says he should have gone along and had a soft drink, and that was his chance to bond.

So tell your ds go along for the night out, even if you have a soft drink!

My DS was like this and he decided to go to a local uni and stay at home which I thought was a bad idea for him socially.
I stressed to him how important it was to join clubs, be open to friendships, etc but he is quiet and shy, doesn't drink and doesn't enjoy socialising in noisy pubs, etc so he has really only made one friend at uni. However, he has a part time job and through this he has made friends and met his GF. This has finally given him some much needed confidence.I think he just found it easier to make friends this way, shared moaning about shifts and management, etc to break the ice.
Perhaps a job before uni would help?