I've turned into my mother (not in a good way)

[unlikelychump]

I didn't have a good relationship with my mother growing up. Mostly because she was quite grumpy and annoyed with my dad most of the time. I never blamed him as he was lovely to me.

As an adult I seem to been annoyed with my husband a lot of the time, and I am starting to realise I sounds like my mum. My husband is a pita, so obviously now I have realised that perhaps my father was too, although in his defence times were different then in terms of expectations.

I think I am a good and fun parent but my kids know how annoying I find DH as they see me snap at him, or he does stuff even they find annoying.

I don't want to repeat the cycle.

Can I have some good tips on how to improve my personality. (I know it isn't great so your opinions are likely to be less helpful; insight would be good though!)

Ps - I think a good number of us might be including my mother, me, maybe DH (and 2 of our kids deffo are)

Anyone want to offer advice?

I usually add but I do love him whenever I'm complaining about dh. Because I do, even though he drives me nuts.

What does the PS mean , you think you are what ?

Think before you speak....is it helpful...is it kind? Remember you have faults too, how would you like to be spoken to.

Try to remember why you married him

I think its good that you are trying to break generational cycles.

I think you have to start where you are.

Is he doing things that are genuinely annoying? Because being annoyed is natural if someone is behaving in ways that are difficult to live with.

Or is he behaving fine but you're annoyed regardless?

It isn't healthy to have a bad atmosphere in the home all the time, but sometimes it's not as simple as one person being 'nicer'.

Your PS doesn’t make sense. A good number of you are what?

What are you snapping at him.about?

I would guess that OP is suggesting autistic?

I think it’s difficult to be tolerant; all these couples who have made it to 60 years and who get interviewed always say it’s about compromise, give and take etc. So maybe you could get some help with letting him be - maybe CBT. Does he get irritated with you in the same way?

May I throw in possible peri menopause symptoms? In which case HRT would help.

My ND friends certainly have less tolerance in the home environment than my NT friends (usually because of traits like misiphonia, difficulty perspective-taking, burnout).

Your DH is an adult. Don't treat him like a kid. Leave him alone.

Thanks for comments it is helpful. Yes peri could be part of it - I am more annoyed these days for sure.

I confided in a good friend last night and she gave me some of these tips too which is good. Try to be grateful, take a breath before I speak etc.

Yes, he is bloody annoying - disorganized, disengaged, forgetful. I know he means well but it is a total pita!

Also what to know what the PS means!

Autistic! I meant to put ND

Do you definitely want to stay with him? Forcing a square peg into a round hole is likely to make you quick to irritation.

But, the question you asked... to make a serious change you'd need to look at what lessons and beliefs you learnt about relationships while growing up with your parents. You could start with reading about that, I'll try to remember what books I've found helpful. Annalisa Barbieri's podcast is good.

This episode is a good place to start, OP:

open.spotify.com/episode/7GNDs824OFduHFs36TefG8?si=jgKp1EqjRkerhPeDiT_new

Thanks, some really helpful comments. I'll look at that episode this weekend too