#Be Kind is making me feel like shit

[bekindorbeused]

I consider myself a kind and good friend. I always help people out whenever I can, I care about people and am generous to them (have gifted several people money which I dont expect back), I always remember people's birthdays and get them little things to make them feel special, I will listen to people's troubles in a non judgemental way, send them supportive messages etc.. I dont do these things for praise or reward, I just consider it general kindness and I enjoy helping people out. (This isnt me trying to come off as perfect btw, I am just trying to explain what's caused me to feel like this).

However, I am starting to feel as if this is never reciprocated, noone ever seems to make any effort back to me, and it's making me feel more than a bit rubbish. Dont get me wrong, I dont do things to try to get anything back and I know its not a transaction, but when you are always making an effort with people and you get absolutely nothing back it starts to grate a little bit and you start to feel really used and taken advantage of.

I dont get it- arent we always told to be kind- where is the kindness from others? It's hard to distinguish if I am being an utter doormat and a people pleaser (I do recognise these tendencies in myself) or if other people are just really, really selfish. The lack of effort back from others when I need a little help, or someone just to listen to me, is just really disappointing me. I feel like the people that never reciprocate always seem to have loads of people clamouring to be with them and yet they dont act "kind" at all so what's that about?

All and any thoughts are appreciated - thanks

Well, it does sound as though you expect something back to be honest!
Maybe your life is just so perfect people don't see how they could help you. It's easier to help others if you don't have any troubles yourself.

Curious what makes you think I have a perfect life?- I lost my dad recently and my mum died very young so it's not as if I haven't had my share of troubles.

Is it really too much to expect friends to support you, this make me sad if so. Noone has a perfect life- we all have our struggles

Stop doing it. Do kind things for yourself instead.
I'm a reformed people pleaser, the confusion I used to feel when I was given a generic shitty gift with zero thought was awful. Made me self reflect a lot on why I expected anything from others.

You sound really lovely OP but with some people you give them an inch and they take a mile.
Scale back and focus on yourself for a bit, some people are selfish and won’t ever give anything back unfortunately.

It is a common trait especially amongst women to put other people's needs before our own. I think you are looking for connection and you are confusing this with being everyone's emotional support and realising they don't want you as a friend, just a crutch. It is a painful realisation to understand this but ultimately it is helpful in order to set better boundaries and think about what you want from a relationship. These people maybe need therapy, not friendships, from you. Rate yourself more highly and stop picking them up emotionally.

It's important to remember that therapists are trained in holding boundaries and it a job for them.

All my point was that if you don't ask for help or tell people when you would like support people don't always know. I've had a friend get very cross with me because I "should have known" a lot of things she never ever told me about, despite me arranging meet ups with her, buying her lunch etc. A lot of the issues on here seem to be about people not being able to say what they need from people - women in general feeling they shouldn't be asking for much and then getting angry or upset when they don't get something. Just look a the threads around Mothers Day or birthdays.

Maybe it is part of the people pleasing, but if you want people to do stuff you have to be actively suggesting things or arranging stuff yourself. If that isn't for you then that is fine, but expectations on others' time just because you personally can manage it doesn't work for a lot of women who have other commitments. When my mum died no one helped me, but I didn't ask. I can't exactly berate my friends for not insisting on helping. When I have had no childcare I've come up with a reciprocal arrangement with another single mum, so we help each other and there isn't an imbalance in the power of who can offer what.

Start doing the nice things for yourself.
I've just spent a couple of days decorating my bedroom and I'm now really pleased with it and can relax in there. In the time I was doing that I wasn't available for others apart from my children and now I'm back at work so busy. So put your energy into you rather than others whilst you are feeling a bit unappreciated. Xx

There is a difference in being kind and being a people pleaser. Being a people pleaser is about controlling people’s perception of you. You think your doing them a favour but really deep down it’s because you want them to like you/think you are amazing.

Girls - especially - have it drummed in to them to ‘be kind’ - when a lot of the time it puts them out/at a disadvantage or places themselves behind other people.

I’ve never taught my kinds to be #kind - I’ve taught them to not be an arsehole.

I dont do things to try to get anything back

Everything else you write says otherwise. I'm not faulting you for that, it's natural to want some recognition, but your self-worth seems to depend on it, and that's a slippery slope. We can't control other people and wether they reciprocate, so you end up constantly trying to make other people happy at your own expense.

I say just stop. Stop it all. Of course be polite and kind to people, but stop bending over backwards for other people. Bend over backwards for yourself. Be selfish with your time and emotional investment. Look after number one. You are not obligated to fix everything and to help everyone. Take a huge step back and focus on yourself.

I guess it depends on your interpretation.
Generally most people take #bekind as ‘don’t be a total shit’. Eg , avoid social media pile ons, don’t bully , and so on.
It’s entirely possible to be kind , without gifting money or anything else. This sounds quite excessive.