DS and partner have bought a house. I’m equally excited and sad that he’s going to leave home.

[Nappingdog]

I don’t know how to think! A mixture of happiness and sadness. DS (almost 24) and his lovely partner have worked hard to save a deposit for their first home, hopefully they’ll move in around 2 months or so.

Theyve been living with us for almost 3 years so I’ll be glad in some ways to have the extra room and lower bills but I can’t get my head around my boy not living with us!

Weve never lived anywhere else and so his room has been his room since a baby. They’re moving about 5 minutes drive away - what’s the etiquette? Do we have to let them know we’re popping to see them? Do we wait for an invite? Just call in?

We have a lump sum of money to gift them to help with furniture etc and bigger items but I did think of putting together a kitchen bundle of mop, bucket, cloths, cleaning items. This is all new to me and I don’t want to be the overbearing MIL but would love to help.

When I think of the day they move out I feel ready to cry, our kids are not with us long, cherish every moment as time flies.

Why can’t she ask her son about cleaning stuff?!? Please don’t ask his GF about that OP, that will come across as you thinking the woman of the house is in charge of the cleaning 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think any visits should be at least with a phone call beforehand, likewise when your DS visits you.

No to the cleaning bundle.

They are their own family now.
Their household is equal to yours in power.
Him and his GF will have a home life equal to yours.

They aren't 'the kids' anymore.

You aren't the matriarch like you are currently while they are under your roof.

You want to provide 'mothering' tools of your trade like cleaning stuff.

I'll never forget my MIL saying as we'd already stayed a long weekend and she didn't want us to leave, she said "but what are you going back to?" As if our lives were 'less' and her house was where 'main' life took place.

Always ask before you show up.

Your son doesn't have to do that at your house, because a mother's relationship to a son is not the same as a son's relationship to his mother.

He will still see your house as 'home' sort of. But his house is not your home, so you don't have a reciprocal agreement as such to just drop over.

It's tough. It's a big change for you.
There will be grieving.

But rejoice he's independent and not moving to Australia!

I often wonder why, when relationships are good, which I'm guessing they are if they live with you, if it's better to just have a discussion about things? Talk openly about this new stage in life - admit that it's daunting as it's a "first" and you want to get it right...

Know what you mean, one of mine has left, one goes this summer and dsd late this year/early next, just starting to get a feel for what they can afford. I'm happy, looking forward to be just the two of us but think I'll miss the buzz if a household

And don't just pop in or invite yourselves. Resist!

Rather than cleaning stuff, maybe a kit of useful things that they might not have thought of? The kind of stuff that experienced households just have, but they won't think of until they need it...

Tape measure
Extension leads
Tool kit
Bucket
WD40
Radiator key
Sink unblocker
Superglue

This would have been very helpful to me when I first moved out

Dunelm or supermarket vouchers.
When I left home, I left with a box of tinned food, condiments gravy powder, dried herbs etc as that when you are starting from zero was quite expensive. Include kitchen roll, toilet roll etc

No to cleaning products or basics like loo roll!
yes to nice tasty treats, takeaway gift card for first night / big lasagna or similar to tide them over if they have a fave that you make, fancy herbs / spices if they like cooking, tool kit or things that may not think of.

@twoandcooplease, thank you. He's my youngest DS and I'm really happy he chose to live nearby. My older 2 DC live 170 and 150 miles away but I have a good relationship with all of them but obviously see my youngest more often. Also he kindly looks after my 2 dogs and cats when I go on holiday too. The relationship you have built over all years he has lived with you will keep your relationship strong even when he moves out. You could invite them both around once a week for dinner midweek and cook his favourite meal. Roots and wings.

I think the money is very generous and should be no strings for them to choose what they want. That with a bottle of bubbly will be well received I think.

When you do visit, try hard to resist the urge to “help” in anyway unless asked as it can be seen as a criticism. If you start offering advice on how to clean things or fix things etc it is like saying they aren’t good enough to do these things.

My 16 year old was going to marry me at 3. Now he won't grace me with his presence for more than 5 minutes. I'm thinking of LTB 😁

They've done so well to buy so young!

When we bought our house at a similar age my mum and dad bought us a lawnmower which was an excellent idea as saved us buying one and we hadn't thought about the fact we would need one 🤣

My in laws gave us a bit of cash which we spent on choosing paint etc.

Many congratulations to them. My own children are still small but I know I will find this so so hard.

@Ladyprehensile why not ask the son? Or is it only the Vagina Holder that will be doing the cleaning? we've still a LONG way to go .....

Nice housewarming gifts could be things they either might not think to buy themselves (items already mentioned, plus a doorstop is always useful - especially on moving day), or something special that they might not buy themselves (a houseplant, or scented candle).

Don't go round uninvited. Don’t gift cleaning materials.

Don't gift cleaning materials, don't direct any questions about cleaning to the GF🙄
Part of being independent of your parents is being able to choose your own cleaning products, they might not even like the brands you use or want to try eco friendly products etc.
If you are desperate to send them with a gift get a nice bottle of champagne or something else they like to drink, don't start filling their new home with things of your choosing basically!!

Never pop in. Even if they WFH, they are working so don’t assume you can visit during working hours. Arrange visits in advance and be prepared they can say no! And the cleaning stuff is a bit weird: get them something that’s a treat.

Oh this is so hard! New phase of parenting kicking in! My advice is never drop in unannounced and let them enjoy nesting and setting up their own home. Definitely don’t buy cleaning stuff as that could be taken the wrong way - maybe some kind of voucher for a special meal out for the two of them or a bottle of champagne to celebrate?

@Cyb3rg4l - I'm guessing they moved in some months ago, as OP started this thread in May and said they would be moving in about 2 months.

That’s a lovely idea. I’m sure it’ll be much appreciated.

When I bought my house last year my DM gifted me £500 to buy a fridge freezer (my previous rental flat had one of those tiny fridges with a drawer for a freezer). I bought a Samsung fridge freezer on sale, so I had some money leftover to put towards a washing machine too!

Whatever you gift them, I’m sure they’ll love!

Edit: Just realised this post is a few months old, sorry!

They’re in and very happy!

As it happened, the house was utterly filthy when they moved in so they were glad of us being around and helping with cleaning materials as it took 2 weeks to get it liveable.
They’ve painted, carpeted and it’s all really nice now. We see them about once a week / 10 days. We don’t arrive unannounced, always drop a message first and I always turn up with goodies of some kind.

It did take a little getting used to not having them around but it’s fine now, I’m just pleased they are happy and settled. Far less washing and we have a lovely decorated spare room 🤩

No need to ask strangers, just ask them what they'd like you to do.

How nice they are only going to be 5 minutes away. You can pop in but with a quick message beforehand.