Girl bullying my daughter (Y4)

[GoldenHorse]

Several years ago we moved from London to be closer to family and also because of the very good state schools. We were lucky that my daughter got a place at the school we wanted and it feeds into an excellent secondary school, which she would have no chance of going to if it wasn’t for being at a feeder school).

Last academic year, a new girl started part way through the first term. She was the centre of a number of friendship issues from the start. I gave it all the benefit of doubt as she was just settling in and apparently had been unhappy at her previous school. I’ve since learnt that she was a bully at that school as well and without a doubt is a bully now. Her parents aren’t receptive and believe other girls are unkind to her at school and all the clubs she goes to.

My daughter doesn’t have a phone but this other girl does and I have been warned by another parent about some of the things this girl is saying about a variety of children (which includes my daughter).

I feel I have been in multiple meetings with school but they seem quite limited with what they can do, especially since some of the behaviour is outside of school. They do agree that the other girl is the issue and keep promising they are aware of it and working with her. They have said there are other complaints from other parents and other children, and they agree that the parents of this girl are unable to see or accept what their child is really like. Things don’t seem to change though.

What would you do? The only other local state school that we could manage is the school this other girl left at the start of KS2. The mother has been very vocal about how awful it is but perhaps it isn’t? I can’t explain why but I feel a bit awkward about potentially changing to a school to get away from a bully only to be with other parents that the bully’s parents are still friends with. Then again, but all accounts this child’s behaviour was the same there as well so perhaps they will understand?

My daughter is almost in Y5 and the secondary school we want her to go to is very big, so even if this other girl does go there, she can be avoided. I made quite a big fuss about leaving London for these schools and we spent more on our house because we wouldn’t need to pay for private fees. DH is therefore understandably unhappy at the thought of now paying for another school and we will never get into the secondary school that I want DD to go to if we do not go to a feeder school for it. The other alternatives are not as good.

Would you expect the school to be doing more? They seem much more focused on academic results than happy children and whilst my child does well, they don’t see any issues. What have you done to avoid a school bully other than change schools?

I would not remotely consider changing schools for this. Why should your child suffer.

I would complain every single time there is an incident. Be that parent.

I feel I have been in multiple meetings with school but they seem quite limited with what they can do, especially since some of the behaviour is outside of school.

Can you clarify this a bit? How is your yr4 DD in contact with this girl outside of school?

Also, at what point during the school day is the bullying happening?

The phone use is outside of school. My daughter goes to various other clubs and activities that this girl goes to. There have been parties where the other girl has also been invited as it’s been a large group from school.

The bullying seems to happen throughout the school day from what I can gather. The child has a habit of telling my daughter that she isn’t allowed to play with certain others on particular days, and she is really controlling about what the girls in the year group do in general.

I feel that I have reached the stage of complaining most days and keep insisting that all the issues are formally logged. Perhaps eventually school will get too fed up with me and do something more.

It’s not even just that it’s a good school but my daughter has been with her friends since Infant School (it feeds into her current Junior School, so they all move up together and then some others also join as the Junior School is bigger which is how there was a space for this other girl). As well as friends, my daughter is involved with lots of activities linked to the school such as choir, music and sport.

completely ridiculous, OP it sounds like the school are trying to wait you out hoping you’ll take action by moving schools as they can’t be bothered to do anything. Is there a board of education above the school you can go to (I don’t live in England, not sure what the hierarchy is).

Do keep complaining, but can you also engineer for your daughter to spend time one on one with some of the nicer girls at school? Try to build other robust friendships so they can face the situation together at school?

Are these informal verbal complaints ? I would start emailing so that they can’t ignore these and brush under the carpet. And you will unfortunately have to keep persisting to get the school to show you what course of action has been made to try to resolve the matter.

The schools usually have a policy on dealing with bullying and complaints. If the school is not fulfilling their obligations, you can usually go up the chain and discuss with the school governors and school trust?

Hope it gets sorted for your child

The phone use is outside of school. My daughter goes to various other clubs and activities that this girl goes to. There have been parties where the other girl has also been invited as it’s been a large group from school.

OK. I would have a word with the adult in charge of the clubs and activities and make them aware that there is ... an issue ... (i'd keep it light at this point) between this girl and your daughter. Tell them what the specifics are and that it centres around the phone use. Say that you have the support because of the school (even if the school aren't being helpful at this point) because it adds a bit of gravity. See if they have any helpful suggestions. Tell them you are monitoring the situation week by week and you're worried about DD.

The bullying seems to happen throughout the school day from what I can gather. The child has a habit of telling my daughter that she isn’t allowed to play with certain others on particular days, and she is really controlling about what the girls in the year group do in general.

So if there's anything happening in actual classes i would go and ask to speak to the teachers of these classes and tell them exactly what's happening and at what point in the class. Going in/coming out ect. You said you've been to the school already but make sure you're speaking to any class teachers involved not just the heads of year or HT.

If you feel it's break time bullying address that separately too. Tell them this girl is forming cliques and pushing your DD out. Keep pushing because things CAN be done to stop this girl's behaviour. Don't be afraid of bringing up the same things until something is done.

Start making a journal of all the meetings and who said what to who. Write follow up emails to the school detailing your understanding of the meeting. Ask if there's a plan of action and get repeat that in the email. Add that you'll be monitoring the success of this through your DD.

Keep your DD informed of what's being said, and ask her if she can see the plan being enforced. If there's no improvement despite the plan or there's no sign of any action go back up to the school and talk about that. The squeaky wheel gets oiled OP. It's wrong that it should take a huge effort to get this sorted but you have to just be an polite but insistent pain in the arse about this and be prepared to mention that you will take it higher if they're not instigating any action to stop this.

Just keep at it OP. And good luck.

Are the school following their own anti-bullying policy?

If school won't deal with it then contact the police

If it's online harassment/ defamation of character, then it's serious stuff

There isn't such thing as a 'feeder school' for state secondary. You will have no additional chance than anyone else who applies.

Have you tried talking - firmly - with the bully's parents? I'd be making it extremely clear that it stops now or you'll be involving the police

Thank you for all of these suggestions and I will start to be a lot more proactive in ensuring I’m properly complaining and getting it all registered or recorded appropriately.

100% guarantee that there is although it’s called a partner school, not a feeder school. It’s very normal in the part of Surrey that’s I’m in. Here is the admissions policy for you to see: http://upload.reactcdn.co.uk/weydon/uploads/document/2_3056_determined-weydon-admissions-policy-september-2024-august-2025.pdf

I wouldn't move your daughter because of this one child. It sounds like you're not the only parent complaining so hopefully the school will reach a point where they have to do something!

How is your daughter holding up? If she is spending time with other friends and doing well academically, I would encourage her to ignore the nasty girl as much as possible and discuss with her ways in which she can respond to mean things being said to her - for example 'I don't have to do what you tell me, it's not up to you who I play with, mind your own business!' or 'If you don't leave me alone and stop being nasty, I'm going to tell Mrs Soandso that you're not being kind' teach her to be assertive and stand up for herself, this will give her confidence.

Definitely keep complaining about any bullying behaviour and keep a written record of what's happened. If you really don't feel the school is dealing with it effectively, you can involve school governors and you local authority.