How do I be less insecure in friendships?

[GeckoFeet]

Just got back from my friends 40th birthday celebrations. It was three nights in a luxury Air BnB apartment with lovely activities to do.

I've been friends with her since we were in high school. I moved away about 2 hours drive away for work when we were about 20 years old, where as she stayed where we grew up. We have kept in contact as we have a few things in common, we see eachother maybe every 3 to 4 months. She has two best friends who she used to work and sees about every week or two who came. A cousin who she probs sees the same amount as me who came.

I struggled the whole time we were there as I felt left out. Like I had a problem that she has best friends and I don't.
I don't feel justified at all in how I was feeling. I wish I could have just got more involved and had fun. But I felt a bit shy and kept questioning whether I should have been there. Maybe she would have preferred that I wasn't there so she could have been with just her close knit friends.

I don't have a best friend. I have lots of friends. But honestly I'd rather have less friends but be closer to them. I think this may be why I kept feeling left out as I was just so focused on the fact that they were closer with eachother than to me....which is fine....but they are closer to eachother than I am to anyone.

Writing this all out I realise this is about about me feeling left out this is about me feeling socially inadequate.

So I don't know how to over come this. I don't think I'm capable of being closer to friends. I don't think it's something I can make happen. I feel like there's always something for me to feel insecure about that makes it difficult for me to get closer to people.

What do I do? Do I just accept it?

Bump

Bluntly, OP, because chronic insecurity is unattractive, and the best way to have stronger friendships is to deal with it so you’re not projecting all over the place and hanging about wistfully feeling I wanted and third-wheel ish. Your friend invited you to her birthday celebration, therefore she wanted you there.

I think those types of event, where there are different groups of friends mixing, are always awkward. I don't think it is any reflection on you that you found it a bit awkward.
If you want to cultivate closer friendships, you can do that but it might take some time and care. Is there anyone that you are currently friends with in a more casual way that you'd like to be closer to? I think close friendships are best when they happen naturally, but I do think it is possible to engineer them to an extent, if the other person is equally interested in a closer friendship.

Bluntly, OP, because chronic insecurity is unattractive, and the best way to have stronger friendships is to deal with it so you’re not projecting all over the place and hanging about wistfully feeling I wanted and third-wheel ish.

How should I deal with it?

Is there anyone that you are currently friends with in a more casual way that you'd like to be closer to?

Not really...I guess I should make new friends ...which I am good at doing but they are not leading to anything further.

Therapy. What are you actually feeling when you’re at a social gathering where you’ve been invited because someone wants you there but you’re still focusing on how much closer they are to one another than you are to your friend, and feeling unwanted and as though you’re incapable of having close friends? Have you always felt this way? You’re clearly able to make and keep friends, so why can’t you be as close to them as you’d like? What’s stopping you? Why did you sabotage what sounds like a lovely weekend so you didn’t have fun? Why weren’t you touched to be included rather than assuming on no evidence your friend would have preferred you not to be there? What models of friendship did you grow up with?

I agree as well OP, gently and compassionately, therapy is the way through here. I know that because it is the same process for me. It is ongoing, difficult work, and you have to own your projections rather than throwing them out onto everyone as you are currently doing. The prize for this work will be the capacity to relate in the way you want to do, it won't happen magically, you need to look at really difficult areas of yourself. The issue to be fully aware of if you do decide to look at this stuff, is that you will constantly attempt to self sabotage in therapy too, it's worth knowing that and trying to name it as well as early as you can. Good luck!

Good post, @coffeeisthebest. The point about owning your own projections rather than ascribing them to other people is key.

I find meeting friends of friends really awkward, are you sure that wasn't the issue?

@AsYouMightBe thanks for your questions.

What are you actually feeling when you’re at a social gathering where you’ve been invited because someone wants you there but you’re still focusing on how much closer they are to one another than you are to your friend, and feeling unwanted and as though you’re incapable of having close friends?

I feel distant. Like I'm watching them have a conversation and go into observation mode rather than engaging it what they are saying and chiming in.

Have you always felt this way?
I can definitely remember feeling like this when I was a child. And certain periods in my adult life.

You’re clearly able to make and keep friends, so why can’t you be as close to them as you’d like?

I feel like there's so much about me that makes me unusual.that I think it makes it hard for people to relate to me. Like my mum is from St Lucia (a tiny island) and my Dad is from Israel. I've never met anyone with this mix. Yet in this group they were all white British and all their parents are white British so they all have this common ground. I feel like I can relate to them as I am British and lived here all my life but I feel like when I mention anything about my parents there's a glazed over look that shows me they can't relate. (This didn't specifically happen at the weekend but it's just an example of what sometimes happens and leaves me with a feeling of not being accepted as one of them.)...I have no idea if I'm blowing that issue out of proportion.

What’s stopping you?
In the moment I'm not sure.

Why did you sabotage what sounds like a lovely weekend so you didn’t have fun?

That makes it sound like I did it on purpose. Obvs I didn't. I guess I underlying feel like I'm not ever going to be accepted for being myself. Not only the mixed race.
Maybe I just didn't feel comfortable enough to let my hair down.

Why weren’t you touched to be included rather than assuming on no evidence your friend would have preferred you not to be there?

Yeah I should have been touched. I felt like I was intruding/imposing on their group. I partly felt like since it was arranged by her best friend rather than by my friend the birthday girl then that's why I was invited. Maybe my friend wouldn't have invited me and just kept it to her best friends.

What models of friendship did you grow up with?

I struggled to have friends from reception to year 4.
I had a good group of friends in year 5 right upto college. When I moved away I prioritised people to go out drinking with rather than cultivating friendships. Then I was in a relationship which I had very unrealistic expectations of it meeting all my social needs. Which obviously it couldn't. In the last one to two years I have been getting out there and making new friends. I've made a lot but I guess most of them are quite superficial. It's hard to tell whether that's just due to the short length of them and how much if it is because that's just how it is with them and it won't lead to anything further. I'm not socially satisfied/secure though. Which is odd because I am busy...I always have friends to meet up with. But maybe I don't have enough friends who I can be totally myself with....but is that even possible as I clearly feel like I am the flawed one.

@takemeawayagain I don't think it was awkward tbh...like when I arrived I greeted everyone cheerily and gave everyone a hug..they all seemed welcoming and fine.

But later on like at the meal the vibe was more jokey and bantery and I just couldn't get involved really. Didn't have the same sense of humour. Maybe they are just not my people! And I'm just taking it all too personally.

They also liked to take a lot of selfies and I hate doing that.

A few times when I did talk in the group I stumbled over my words, I think I handled it fine in the moment but I felt really shit about it afterwards.

Another thing was that I was in a bedroom on my own so I felt like I missed out on morning and evening chats. But I wouldn't have felt comfortable sharing a bedroom with anyone anyway as I'm not close enough to them! It's like I want my cake and to eat it!

Its like I'm hypersensitive to being left out even when I don't want or need to be included.

@coffeeisthebest yes I do want to own my projections. It's so hard to identify them.