I'm really lonely

[MellowPlumMentor]

This is honestly mortifying to type, but the subject says it all. I have two kids, I had my youngest in mid to late 2021, and my oldest was in reception by that point. Before Covid, I worked full-time in an office, many of my closest friends had been colleagues.

When Covid hit I never went back to the office. Apart from the odd day or two, I never saw most of my colleagues again. During the pandemic, there were also mass redundancies where I worked so many people I was close to left, and when things started to get more stable there were a few new hires, but the company overall was slimmed down. My company didn’t have a policy of keeping cameras on in meetings, so slowly I would be on endless Zoom calls with no one on camera. People became snappy with each other because they never saw the other person’s face - or at least, that’s how it felt.

Then I went on maternity leave and when I returned it felt like an entirely new company, and I didn’t know anyone. And then not long after I returned I was ‘offered’ voluntary redundancy with enough money to last me around 8 or 9 months. There was a lot more to this...I felt forced out, but it was what it was.

It's been around 18 months since then and in that time I've done bits and bobs of freelance work. I’ve also been regularly applying for jobs, initially at my level/salary, but either not getting interviews or would have a couple of interviews and not be successful. I’ve not been too stressed financially because of my redundancy payout and I have had work, but my confidence is just rock bottom and I am just so lonely. I can go months without reaching out to friends to meet up.

Since Covid I have gained a LOT of weight, I no longer weigh myself because I have a really poor relationship with food - bingeing and then extreme dieting and I’ve been yo-yoing in weight since I was in my mid twenties, but I’ve never been this big.

Before Covid I used to do my hair and makeup every day, but I realised a few days ago that I’d gone around 3 days without even brushing my hair. I look awful and I’m so embarrassed about how I look that I am becoming more and more anxious about meeting friends and I always end up cancelling if they do invite me out.

My husband is wonderful, but he’s really busy with work and travels sometimes, and for the last couple of weeks we’ve barely seen or spoken to each other - he’s always working, or taking my older son to football. Tonight I thought we might sit and have an evening where we could catch up, but he decided to go to bed as he's so worn out, and I’m just sat on my own brooding on how things have ended up like this.

When I have free time I just end up endlessly scrolling on my phone, and the house is just a mess, and I feel terrible because I know I ought to be keeping everything tidy because I don’t have a proper job. But I honestly just feel so trapped. I spend 99% of my time in my house and I just feel so resentful.

I think I need to just get a job, any job, so I can get out and see people again, because I am just spiralling. I want to get a job in a local cafe or something so I can meet people locally, but just trying to apply for a local job feels like such a mountain to climb - I don’t even know if there are any local jobs.

I know I am depressed, I am taking 150mg of Sertraline already. But I feel now I just need to put one foot in front of the other and to start getting out again, but it’s so overwhelming.

Not sure why I’m posting, I guess because I don’t want to burden my friends, family or my husband. Perhaps someone else feels the way I do and also wants to get out of the funk?

Thanks for reading if anyone has.

I've read, and I understand how you feel. Life has changed massively since 2020 and feeling lonely and isolated is so much more common. You've recognised how you're feeling and that's good. You are not alone.
Could you try to do a class like a swimming activity or join a walking group to meet people and get a little more active? Exercise will really help you feel better.
Would you enjoy volunteering at your child's school? There are also loads of volunteering opportunities - have a look on the supermarket community notice boards for ideas.
Try to choose activities where you'll get to talk to people. But don't be disappointed if you don't make friends straight away..it can be a slow burn!

Hill walking midweek is brilliant!! Out, fresh air, kids in school so no childminding.. meet at 10 finish at 2.. regular group of people.. chat if you want or enjoy the views.. I honestly think the footpaths are one of the loveliest things about England. And walkers I’ve met are friendly and understanding .. look on Meetup. App for groups in your area. All you need are boots, a sandwich and water. Midweek then “borrow my doggie” gives me motivation to help someone walk their dog..

Please don't feel ashamed of being lonely. It's very hard to make new starts as you're doing with having a young child. Can you try looking for a community centre near you and see if there are any coffee mornings, volunteering opportunities? See if you can volunteer at your local library. I know you're depressed but wash and dress and make your bed every day, it'll nudge you in the right direction each day.

I've said many times how weird it was that 'life as we knew it' stopped so abruptly with the first lockdown. Offices were like the Mary Celeste... I'd left food in my locker!

I bet there's loads of people in a similar situation to you, @MellowPlumMentor , it's totally understandable and relatable. I'd second @Lyracappul re joining Meetup. There's lots of online stuff on there, and lots of stuff you don't even have to participate in, like walking tours of interesting cities, where you can just sit and watch, and have your mind expanded. And from that, right through to all kinds of clubs and groups doing all kinds of things, including all sorts of exercise, gentle to vigorous. What do you enjoy doing? Or, even better, (this was put to me, once): what did you like doing when you were 11?? Old enough to have your own interests, but not old enough to have been fettered. Have a think about what you liked doing at 11, and see if there's a Meetup group for it. Find your people! You'll be ok then.