I think there is something wrong with me

[Starfruitdeluxe]

And it confuses and scares me a bit. Please don’t attack me because I genuinely don’t know what to make of myself.
It’s probably a bit of the “bad boys” appeal but I somehow really feel drawn towards men who are genuinely bad. I don’t even know why, but I feel a massive draw towards them and I know that it’s wrong. Obviously I don’t mean parking tickets but violent offences, and I find myself so curious and excited at the same time. I am 100% falling for someone right now and I know that it’s a bad idea but like an idiot I keep going for it, and I feel so excited and hopeful at the same time.

I haven’t spoken to anyone in real life about it because it’s embarrassing. Has anyone else felt like this before and what did you do, or did things work out? I know that this is not healthy and that there must be something wrong with me, but I don’t can’t pin down what exactly it is 😔

What is/was your dad like?

2nd time tonight I'm writing "you need therapy". Therapy will sort this out.

I don't think it's fair to say there's something wrong with you. For a start, I'd stop seeing yourself that way and instead curiously enquire more as to what has happened to you to make this your default.
There are loads of psychology articles online about this stuff. I find it fascinating. They say we often repeat childhood patterns subconsciously. Maybe that has some relevance. Maybe safe and secure is too boring. Something in your experience has fed into it.

Thank you. My father was a serial cheat and messer, but he was never violent or ruthless which seems to be what I am drawn towards.
I feel upset because I know that I should be repulsed but I’m excited instead. It’s like a head vs heart thing.

What you mean by ‘bad boy’ op? A nice guy but a bit rough round the edges? (Vince from Brassic) or a genuinely ‘bad’ boy with criminal or violent proclivities? (Charles Manson) or just some charmless poseur that wears black and pretends they’re hard and cool? (Kayne West)

Could be that you're submissive, maybe you want to 'tame' them or be their female equivalent - or it could well be linked to the way you regarded your father when you were little. Either way therapy is the way to go IF you're not happy with your choices.

@Screamingabdabz Actual convictions, but I feel drawn towards the shamelessness and confidence maybe.
@Eyesopenwideawake Yes maybe, I just don’t understand myself but you made some good suggestions.

Possibly a chemical response?
Adrenaline, dopamine, cortisol, oxytocin levels are elevated when we are frightened, excited, in love etc.
Very addictive combo.
Would almost guarantee you are enacting some form of trauma repetition in relation to your fathers behaviours.
You say that he was a cheat and a messer but not violent. Maybe having experienced the fallout out of your dad's actions, you are drawn to more men whose toxicity is obvious to avoid being with a serial cheat?
Maybe the feelings of being on edge were normal as a child, consequently, this is what draws you in.
Have a look at The Freedom Programme, you can complete it online as it could genuinely be a life saver. 'Gangster's' and arseholes are usually worse to their partners.
Look up cognitive dissonance - this is what you're experiencing.
Healthy relationships will never give you the same high, but they won't destroy you either.
Look for anecdotes from other people who are drawn to the 'bad boy's', how often does it work out for them?

While you're deciding, have you considered the concept of not pursuing relationships with these people?

I mean, you can feel excited all you like, but you don't have to do anything. It's not obligatory.

“Healthy relationships will never give you the same high, but they won't destroy you either.”
This nails it maybe. I have always played it safe to avoid falling victim to someone but it’s been false.

I'm not sure what causes it but isn't it true that lots of violent offenders who are locked up get letters from woman who are attracted/besotted/in love with them.

My point being you are clearly not alone with feeling like this.

Personal experience of twice when I had a very strong reaction to men I was dating/in relationship with. Both times the reaction felt very primitive and and the show of male strength made me feel em....well very aroused shall we say.

The first time a guy who I was in a relationship with and lived with. He was in the bath and I had answered the door to two men who I ended up having an uncomfortable time with. They were trying to collect donations for a charity and initially it sounded fine but as time went on they asked for my bank details which I refused of course. I then tried to close the conversation down and one of them put his foot in the door to stop me closing it. Partner must have been overhearing this and appeared at door (clad in only towel) and proceeded to thump them/knock them over. I was on the surface horrified but I swear to god I literally swooned. It's the only time I have literally swooned in my life and it felt very primitive like I wanted to be thrown to the floor and taken aggressively. This show of male bravery (there was two of them and one of him) and obviously the act was protective and violent.

The second one was a guy who would have as part of his job been forced to restrain criminals/violent/dangerous people. We were kissing on my bed (fairly new relationship), he pinned both arms above my head using just one of his arms. He did it very swiftly and strongly and I really was helpless. I mean I couldn't have got him off if he had decided not to let me if that makes sense. I was kind of shocked at the action of this mild mannered individual behaving in a very dominating, physical way. Again it was a really primitive feeling of 'take me, take me'

So I don't know if that makes sense but certainly for me the show of male strength/domination/masculinity seems to make me literally go weak at the knees. Nobody who knew me would think this as I was always a 'career' woman who was independent and faked being very confident.

So my point is if you perceive these bad boys to be very masculine and dominant and strong you are drawn to them.