Mil bashing! your point of view!!

[CanaryMary]

Seen so many mil bashing threads and to be fair so many sound bat shit crazy!!!

like do people really behave like that!! I have a mil and to be fair she’s pulled some crazy stunts over the years and I’ve been astonished at some of the crazy stunts and strange immature behaviour she has pulled. However mums net helped me realise that I also had a dh problem , as he was so pathetic when it came to standing up to his mum and any conversation that needed to be had wasn’t!! (Another thing that seems common on here!)

anyway I’m sure that these mils have a different side of the story such as feeling pushed out, not wanted not appreciated etc etc, but why do so many think they are entitled to be like an extra mother when the child already has a mother and be so pushy with Thier opinions and demands
and then use emotional blackmail in order to try and get what they want?
And to think they are entitled to just take the baby and act like the Dil is nothing but an insignificance and just a dgc incubator.
This is how my mil made me feel and she even made comments on such as they only want me for food (bf) they were everybody’s else’s boy
daddys boy , grandmas boy
but hey never a mummy’s boy lol
I just don’t get it! Why
why is the dil made to be so insignificant and so uninportant
and I see post after Post on mums net about these mils and thier behaviour and I honestly can’t understand why they think it’s ok to act like this?

they had thier chance to be a parent
to feed them as they saw fit
to have whatever traditions at Xmas/birthdays etc

so why can’t they step back and let the actual parents do their own parenting!?

i wonder if the problem in our case
Is because the idea that they had in thier head about what a grandparent was going to be
didn’t actually tally up! so possibly have some resentment towards that?

also I’m sure there are plenty of sane mils that are lovely and kind! I wish I had one of you!! I do know some exist as I have met some! So hope I haven’t offended you lovely ones!

edit :forgot to say we worked through a lot of our issues and have come to a sort of unspoken truce lol so everyone gets along just fine usually and we ignore bits of the bad behaviour for the sake of peace lol and mostly everyone behaves much better after a few stern words in the past!

I don’t know. My mil was unpleasant and a bully before I had my daughter, a baby just pushed her to new and unhinged heights.

I also think it’s a tricky relationship because of the power imbalance. If you were raised to be a people pleaser and respect your elders like many women, if your mil is in anyway overbearing it’s easy to be completely steamrolled.

If it’s your own mother you can have a conversation about issues because you have a close relationship but it’s very difficult to do that with a mil, that’s the husband’s place to manage the relationship with his mother and how she treats his wife. Unfortunately they often just let the mil treat the wife like shit till enough resentment builds up that the wife can’t take it anymore.

Personally I couldn’t imagine treating my worst enemy the way she’s treated me. I’d love to get a psychologists view on it tbh.

So my point of view is based on real life discussions with colleagues and friends. I’ve noticed that all the people in my circle with difficult MIL’s met their DH’s when they were very young. And this is true of my situation too.

I suspect my MIL thought I wasn’t going to be around for long, and because I wasn’t culturally what she had in mind for her son, she didn’t see the point of wasting her time either getting to know me as an individual.

Ive always suspected that her reaction to me only increased my appeal in DH’s eyes. Whoopsie!

I too have a DH problem in as much as while he doesn’t get on with his mum or agree with her approach to life, he won’t tell her how he feels. She takes his silence as his agreement with her.

I’ve put up with her thoughtlessness, cruel words and stereotypical attitudes for 27 years now. Our relationship is at rock bottom and I’ll happily take responsibility for that. It’s at rock bottom because I no longer give a fuck about trying to keep up appearances. If she hasn’t figured out I’m not a bad person by now, she never will.

Don't go looking for affirmation in places you’re just not going to find it!

edited to add: I did not even provide her with a grandchild so I’m not even an incubator in her eyes.

Mine was a spoilt brat who couldn't bear the attention being on anyone else. My husband reckons it's because she was the youngest of 7 children.

She treated my SIL like a piece of shit so she eventually cut her off. She's married to the golden child. I'm married to the very much not golden child so she liked me for a long time. She only stopped liking me when I didn't agree with her badmouthing SIL and when I challenged her on some racist comments. Then she went out of her way to be awful to me. So definitely had some narcissistic traits. She tried to ruin my wedding and was terrible when I was pregnant. She died soon after both events. My husband and his brother were on to her bullshit by then and had cut down contact hugely.

theres different people in the world so it stands to reason there will be awful mips, although some on the dils on here leave a lot to be desired too!!! It stands to reason really, both eg on Mother’s Day see it as their time, and the other thinks ‘hold on a minute’. I’m lucky I’ve a great mil, we’ve had our issues but she’s an amazing lady and I remember some day I’ll be a mil too!!