He's a headfuck you don't need

[Trainbother]

Said to me by a friend.

I've been struggling a bit recently. There are plenty of reasons, menopause, bereavement, work stress, a teen who's not coping well, sick parents, but my friend has told me this man isn't helping me. Much as I hate to admit it, I think she may be right.

He's a friend, currently separating from his wife. We are just friends, we've never discussed anything else, he's never behaved as if he wants anything else. I know he's not in a place for a new relationship and I wouldn't want to be involved with him in his current circumstances anyway.

We do however seem to have the kind of connection you don't come across everyday. We "get" each other, enjoy each other's company and have been able to support each other. We're just very comfortable together. I've been telling myself he's a valuable close and supportive friend. He knows much more about me than others I've known much longer. We're in touch pretty much every day.

I'm doomed, aren't I? What to do about it?

I should walk away, but he is a special friend, even if he can't be anything else. I don't want a man in any case, but I find myself thinking about this one too much.

Why ? He's obviously a supportive friend. Are you worried he might try to get closer?

No, I'm worried I do when I can't have it.

I've spent the last far too many months in a very similar situation, and I'm going to say your friend is likely right. If he's not available then it can only either fuck your head, or break your heart, or both.

IME it's both and it's awful: the very last thing I needed after a frankly horrific last year.

Have you made a decision/taken action or was it forced on you?

Mmm...I don't know. We've sort of gone fairly low contact after coming too close to things being said or happening that shouldn't.

It's honestly had me wrecked for more than a year, and I don't know that I'll ever properly get over him it.

If you can sense heartbreak on the horizon, learn from me and don't wade in any deeper.

The onlooker sees most of the game, and I suspect your friend is right on this one.

Why was your friend not relationship material?

Yes, I know this to be true, although she hasn't actually seen us together often.

His wife would probably have objections @Trainbother

BUT - I will say this. I thought we were super close and had this connection and things...I look back now and think he reeled me in without giving much of himself away, and I didn't protect myself enough to do the same.

Just be careful is all I'm saying. He's not really available. And it's very very easy for some people to use others (even unintentionally) to make themselves feel good when they're going through rough times.

Watching with interest..

Yes, I think he does share, but I also think it makes him feel good to have me wanting to be around him, which I guess he could say vice versa.

If he was properly married I'd definitely be backing away, but he's single, even if very recent, which seems to make it harder.

Then in the background there's the fact that I love my single life and don't want a man anyway, so why is this one getting under my skin?

Is this a friend who generally care for you and wants the best for you?

I there is one thing I have learned with age it is that the human race would be a lot better off if people would listen to their besties when they say their partners shit

Someone usually gets hurt, develops feelings or ends up finding the other person attractive (even if they didn’t initially).

I’ve had close male friends, I’ve been single and so have they and I’ve made it very clear I wasn’t looking for anything other than friendship.

I still miss one friend very much, but he couldn’t cope with being ‘just friends’ in the end. (We had been friends for years- a decade perhaps). He knew every facet of my life, we were both dating other people at the time. I thought he was happy with his girlfriend, he had plenty of dates with different women throughout our friendship (we would joke about it).
My relationship eventually led to marriage, his ended. He went no contact with me and blocked me.
I later found out he had counselling to address it all and I felt devastated for him.
Apparently he thought one day, things would blossom and I’d fall for him. There was never any kissing, affection, comments nothing at all. I wish he had said something, but it wouldn’t have changed anything for me so I suppose that’s quite selfish. It was painful to lose a friend, with zero explanation but he had to protect himself. I just never felt that way about him, I don’t know why.

Proceed with caution if you think that your feelings may develop and not be reciprocated OP. Or take the plunge and hope they are.

I think she genuinely cares, but she's never really got that I'm happy single and has been trying to pair me off for years, including initially, with this man. I think part of her concern is that while I spend time with him I don't seem "available" to others, which is fine by me, but becomes a problem if it's real rather than just how it looks outwardly iyswim.

I'm not sure about this one! Maybe your friend is trying to steer you to safety before you get in too deep, or maybe she's one of those 'friends' who is used to you being single, and she likes it that way. Good for her because she can feel a bit superior and you're pretty available to her.

You sound emotionally entangled though on the other hand, which is a horrible and humiliating place to be if it's not reciprocated. 'In the process of separating' is very murky waters to wade into.

<checks for arse splinters from the fence I'm sat on >

That's exactly where I'm sitting 🤣

I've worked hard to create a new, busy single life, which I love. I have some great friends, which include a number of perfectly nice men. I've never had one get to me like this though.

Even if he was "ready", I'm not sure what I'd do with that information because I don't want to be part of a proper couple.

Well that sounds like your answer then. Why not just keep chatting and if anything changes on his side, see if he feels worth changing your life for?

You sound happy with your life as it is, but that a FWB situation would have you catching (more?) feelings.

I'd be a terrible FWB, that really would mess with my head.

Oh same. Feelings all over the place 😆