8 year old social skills

[Pullouw]

I'm really worried about my 8 year old and the fact he doesn't really have friends. He's an only child but he's been at nursery at least 3 days a week since he was one and has always done lots of extra curricular stuff so it's not like he's not been exposed to other kids, but he just doesn't seem to gel with them. He's extremely quiet, gentle and shy, one of life's observers, and will never push himself into a group or lead a game. He gets on fine with the other kids and will happily play with them if invited but otherwise he's constantly on the sidelines and I honestly don't think he's ever really had a close friend. I'm on the spectrum and I was a bit like this at school but I did always have 1:1 friends. His teachers insist there's no issue as he doesn't get picked on, he doesn't make a fuss and he does well academically.

We make a massive effort to do clubs outside school to combat this - beavers, sports, music - and he enjoys them all but it is the same story. He is always on the outside. I went to a school event of his this afternoon and when I got there he was sat eating lunch on his own whilst all his classmates were running about shrieking and chasing each other.

Same with playdates- we always made the effort to ask other kids over to play regularly but it just doesn't seem to help at all. I also think it doesn't help that I'm not part of the mum's group myself - no one ever talks to me at the school gates. Even though it makes me massively uncomfortable I make a huge effort for my son's sake to make eye contact, to smile and chat - but like my son I just don't get accepted as part of the group.

It breaks my heart if I'm honest and I don't really know what I can do.

Has anyone else had similar?

I can understand why you feel like this. All we want is for our children to be happy.

How does your son feel about it? Has he mentioned any unhappiness around friendships?

When I speak to him about it he says he wants to be included more but he doesn't know how to put himself forwards in a group to play. Which I understand because I have to say that to this day it's not a skill I've ever learned myself.

I think you should stop discussing it,

Your son is doing well at school.

Some people are quiet. It is fine unless they get told they should be different! Read up on quiet children and love the child you have.

Bullying or targeted exclusion is entirely different, of course.

Op you can speak to school as the good ones will be running ‘social skills’ groups for mostly ND/SEN children. Speak to his teacher about friends and supporting him to join in. See what they observe or notice.

but otherwise,as long as he’s doing ok, he will find his tribe, maybe in secondary school. Don’t push too much, keep enjoying what’s going on

dont worry

He brings it up with me, I don't bring it up with him.

My son was like this, he's now 10 almost 11 and while is still quiet and prefers his own company he's developed great friendships with his classmates.

Children differ just like adults do, some happier in a crowd other better on one to one level.

Just change nurseries and he'll find friends

He just hasn't gelled with anyone

I had to change my DD from a lovely nursery where she'd made lots of friends to another one which was meant to be great but she hated it

So I changed her to another one and she loved it and made friends again

He's not at nursery, he's in Year 3 at school.

We moved which is why I had to change nursery

Oh ok

Change school then

Or if it's not a one form school change class

Does he do any after school activities?

Do you invite other boys over for play dates so it's one on one so easier for him in his home environment !?!

Also you can observe and see how he plays with them

I know that in my DS class in primary one of the boys was very quiet shy etc

His mum just invited every boy round for play dates after school to see who he got on with

My DS happily got on with him so more play dates and my DS played with him at school more therefore introducing the boy to other DC to hang out with

I'd tell him everyone is different but if he wants to speak to other kids he will be able to.

He's just shy and quiet presumably.

The trouble is there's nothing you can do to 'fix' it so all you can do is put your efforts into bolstering his confidence in other ways.

A good technique could be inviting one friend at a time for a fun activity or playdate, while he's young enough for you to organise.

Many kids do better in secondary where there's less big group play.

When my DS started secondary school his best friend when he was in year 7 moved country so I got a call from the school saying he was just sitting alone every break time at a table

I had a chat with him and told him to just go up to anyone he knew from his classes at break and just sit with them

He asked me what to to say

I advised him not to say can I sit with you

But to just sit with them and say hi I'm just coming to sit with you

And luckily for him it was a nice safe bunch of DC who he became good friends with.

He's quite an awkward boy but content.

If you're autistic and he's very shy and finds socialising difficult then I wouldn't be surprised at all if he had ASD too. If he's quiet and well behaved then school are VERY unlikely to pick up that he's autistic. There's a good chance it will become much more obvious when he gets to secondary school age and the gap between him and his peers gets wider - but again if behaviour at school is good they may well not pick up on it.

I would not change school, transitions are often difficult for kids with ASD and he may well have just the same issues at the new school.

Could you teach him some things to say to help him join in with a group? Is there another quieter child in the class that he could join in with? Or someone he has invited round and you know they got on well?

There's little point changing school - he's had this at every nursery and every club he's ever attended. It's a problem with him, not the setting.

I daresay he'd be better in a private school with small class sizes but we can't afford that.

He's definitely on the spectrum but very high functioning

Schools are not allowed to bring up this fact

But I did mention it to a teacher who breathed a sigh of relief abd said yes we think the sane but can't bring it up with parents because they can get very upset and be in denial

It doesn't make much difference one way or another but his school did put in place some helpful things. He was given a card to leave any class room if he felt anxious. I only found it by chance in his wallet. He said he never used it because he was to embarrassed to. I had no idea re his anxiety because he doesn't come across like that but clearly his school delved deeper and we're supportive in their own way

I strongly suspect he's on the spectrum but school refuse to support a diagnosis because he's compliant and academically does well. Because he's not causing anyone any trouble I feel he gets massively overlooked.

I have felt there is an element of selective mutism as he often freezes when spoken to. Like if we are out in the street and bump into one of his classmates they'll say "hello X" and he goes bright red and smiles and waves but won't speak. Yet to adults - even adults he really doesn't know particularly well - he's extremely articulate and chatty.

This didn't show till secondary school

Tbh even if he is formally diagnosed there's not much they can do in primary school

But once in secondary school they can put all sorts in place

He does seem safe and content in his current school so despite not making friends easily he's safe there

I'm not sure how happy he is at school if I'm honest. He enjoys his work but often finds the noise a lot to cope with.

He did really well being home schooled during the pandemic and we seriously considered not sending him back. But I was worried about that hampering his social skills even more.

Do the school have any nurture groups that he could attend?
I know it's really hard to get any support when they are quiet and well behaved!

If he doesn't like the noise at school would he maybe wear ear plugs?

Could you maybe work through some self esteem workbooks with him at home?

He may well thrive in secondary with extra curricular clubs etc.

He already does quite a few extra curricular clubs.

I will ask about a nurture group.

All our local secondaries are huge and a bit dire, I do really worry about him going if I'm honest.