How did your parents attitude to their death affect your attitude to yours?

[Maybethisyearornext]

This is premature, and might not be needed imminently, but sooner or later we do all die!

I really admire my fathers calm acceptance, and his assurances to us that he has had a great life he was grateful for. I want to be the same, for my adult children. My mother's death was different, as she was quite confused and distressed at the end, but I think I can prepare them for that possibility, and warn them that although I am calm about death, the process itself might not be smooth.

What did your parents do or not do that helped you at their end, and how has that affected your own thoughts and feelings about death?

You can't really prepare someone for this I don't think. Even if you're calm about the process the reality is still hard to cope with.
If you're children are adults then they already know and understand that not every death is calm and peaceful surely?

I never had to deal with death as a child, so I don't recall it being a topic my parents ever really dealt with us about. I remember a friend's dog dying and my mother saying it was running around doggie heaven, but that's all. I think they're generally pretty of matter of fact about death.

I can't really say my parents had an attitude towards death, other than maybe to not talk about it. I am NC with my mum who is still alive, but I don't anticipate being around or even being made aware that she is dying, though who knows. My dad died when I was 18, from cancer, very suddenly, diagnosed 6 weeks before he died, so was terminal and he went very quickly.

The one thing I will say that I've taken away from how they both dealt with that is the importance of being open and honest. I was told that my dad had cancer, but no one ever said it wasn't treatable or that he was going to die, probably quite soon. When he finally did die, he drove himself into hospital, parked the car in the car park, paid for parking, went in, and no one told me. He was there for 2 days before he went into a coma and then died later that day. Literally up until the hospital rang to say he was gone, no one mentioned that he was dying. We are very much a 'if you don't mention it, we can all pretend it isn't happening' sort of family. No one wanted to be the one to have that conversation with me to explain that he was going to die. Not having time to prepare, not being able to do and say the things I needed to, not even being able to be there, really affected me.

So I am very open and honest with my own dc. I don't keep secrets to avoid having difficult conversations. I don't dress things up to be happier or easier than they are likely to be. I don't avoid having to do hard things. So actually having said that, I think my parents attitude to death, well to everything in life, has impacted me in the sense that I'm not a 'let's all pretend sad things don't happen!' person. I'm very realistic and practical and honest with my dc, not just about death, but yes, I'd say about that too - obviously in an age appropriate way because they are still young.

My father pissed off when I was nine, so I've no idea what he thought about death.

My mother's still alive. We never really talked about death except wrt our cats. Since she has dementia now, I don't imagine we will.

My thoughts on death were formed elsewhere.

My dad has fought death for the best part of a decade, as he has cancer. There are many, many side effects to the medical interventions he's taking but he's happy to be a research guinea pig. There is no doubt some trials have had success. But I'm left wondering, would I be so keen to live a little bit less of a life to make it longer? I don't think that I would.

My mum is just happy that her DH is still on the planet to bicker with and boss around. There's no doubt they are devoted to each other, and their relationship dynamic works for them. But I wonder if my Mum has ever really come to terms with the fact Dad will probably die first and that she's going to have to deal with it.

They are both in their seventies. They both want non-religious funerals. They have wills in place.

My brother had cancer in his 30s and he had a young family. So he went hard on chemo etc and has been in remission for years now. But if I was my parents' age...? I think I would have to weigh up what is best for me, and what is best for my family.

As an ex-Humanist, I still subscribe to the notion that I should live all the life I have whilst I have it, because there is nothing after I die. However, I have to say the life I have needs to be of quality, not quantity. So I'd be most inclined to end my life on my terms, rather than at the behest of a doctor.

My parents are very matter of fact around death and always have been. So are my in-laws so DH and I both have the same mindset, thankfully. We're also both neurodiverse.

Both my parents are still alive though DH recently lost his mum. I do remember when my grandparents died and it was all very matter of fact and that they were no longer suffering. I was sad but I never really mourned in the way I read about on here.

We don't have children so we don't really have that to consider.

I needed to form my own opinions and not rely on my parent's lens. Nothing could have prepared me for going through what it felt like to lose one of them and I strongly believe there is no preparing as there is no knowing how it will go. Yes we will all die but we have no control over when and how it will happen. Obviously suicide is the exception to this.