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Original poster

I’ve let down my second baby and I’m gutted

10 replies

jellywelly467 · 30/04/2024 21:01

I have 3 children. One is newborn. I had ppd and ppa with my middle baby and my first born was very jealous and wouldn’t even let me hug her. As a result I think I’ve naturally pushed her away almost because I’ve been so scared of my first baby hating me. I didn’t breastfeed my second for long because she ended up tube fed after a hospital stay and I had a wobble about my supply and was scared I was starving her. But i breastfed my first and so far my third, I think that’s making me feel more guilty. I also had more of a traumatic birth with my second - she was my only emergency Csection and others were nice calm electives, and I think I struggled to bond with her at first and it’s just stemmed from there.

for months and months I’ve just thought it was that the ‘novelty’ of being a first time mum had worn off and it wasn’t abnormal to feel less intensely about my second baby, but now my third is here and I’m obsessed with him and just want to hold him all day etcetc and I’ve realised it wasn’t just the novelty not being there. I was just a shit mum the second time because of ppd or whatever and now I have a 16 month old lovely little girl who won’t even come to me for a hug when she’s upset :/

OP posts:
BresciaBike · 30/04/2024 21:14

You were not a shit mum.

zaxxon · 30/04/2024 21:17

Don't be too hard on yourself ... you had a really difficult time after DC2 and you did the best you could. You are not remotely a shit mum. If you were, you wouldn't care about any of this.

Relationships are repairable - Philippa Perry makes a point of this in her parenting book. Your middle child is probably a bit thrown by the arrival of the newborn. But things will settle down and you'll get lots of chances to improve your relationship with her.

Original poster
jellywelly467 · 30/04/2024 21:33

zaxxon · 30/04/2024 21:17

Don't be too hard on yourself ... you had a really difficult time after DC2 and you did the best you could. You are not remotely a shit mum. If you were, you wouldn't care about any of this.

Relationships are repairable - Philippa Perry makes a point of this in her parenting book. Your middle child is probably a bit thrown by the arrival of the newborn. But things will settle down and you'll get lots of chances to improve your relationship with her.

Thank you - is that the book you wish your parents had read? Will have to read it if so. I’m so upset at myself

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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1 year olds Antenatal & postnatal Childbirth Families
nameshame24 · 30/04/2024 21:41

I think the fact that you are upset about it shows what a good mum you actually are. I had PND with my first but not with my second and feel guilty about that all of the time.
Would you say you love your DD2? Maybe having some quality time with her may help? Just to form a stronger bond and hopefully from there things will grow between you both.

Sonolanona · 30/04/2024 23:58

I had this exact scenario (barring the C sections)
Three children, very close in age ... and PND to boot. Didn't bond with no 2, as I was too busy trying to keep no 1 happy. That eased but there wasn't the same intensity of feeling for no 2 as no 1.
Then no 3 was born and I was smitten with her.

The guilt was awful, I felt I was failing as a Mum to my middle born.

But it passed and eased and our relationship grew beautifully.. he became my boy and he lived at home until he met an Aussie and emigrated, and we are still very close despite the distance. We developed a fantastic relationship and he never went to bed without plonking a kiss on the top of my head with a 'night Mum, love you'

The bond WILL grow :)

WitcheryDivine · 01/05/2024 00:11

I’m no expert but do you think it’s possible you’re having PPA again? Might be worth talking over with someone else in case you’re misreading the situation with your middle girl. After all she has no idea whether or not she was breastfed etc.

caringcarer · 01/05/2024 01:53

I think you're being too hard on yourself. Your middle DC won't care as long as you fed her. She's probably just got herself a bit upset because you had a new baby. Try to find some 1-1 time with middle DD, even if just reading her a story or playing with water toys in the bath for 5 minutes. You are the Mum of 3 DC. I'm sure you love them all equally.

zaxxon · 01/05/2024 09:04

jellywelly467 · 30/04/2024 21:33

Thank you - is that the book you wish your parents had read? Will have to read it if so. I’m so upset at myself

Show quote history

That's the one. Make sure you read the updated version, where she added a chapter on siblings (having rather thoughtlessly written the original book entirely about only children, since she only had the one!)

I've seen other therapists say similar, too. Your child is wired to love you and you already love your child. You've had a bruise in the relationship, but with a little care and patience, it will heal. And it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

JLT24 · 01/05/2024 09:07

“Forgive yourself for what you did when you were in survival mode”

Your relationship with middle child can be repaired

🤗

Original poster
jellywelly467 · 01/05/2024 10:34

Thanks so much everyone. Newborn is still in and out of hospital too as not gaining weight properly and jaundice so probably doesn’t help that I keep disappearing. Once the dust has settled I’m going to take her out just me and her one day. She’s currently been cuddling me on the sofa for an hour and seems a bit happier with me today - I did her bedtime routine last night instead of letting dh do it so maybe that’s helped a bit

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