WWYD about this funeral and child? Not sure if I'm overthinking.

[Lavinia83]

MIL has died and funeral next week. For context, DH wasn't that close as she was pretty cold for him but there is sadness and it's the first time losing anyone for him, so I think it will hit him and I want to be there to support him at the funeral if I can.

We have 1 DC at nursery and we live 2 hours away from where the funeral is happening. We would need to take a train to the funeral. DC can attend nursery from 8am and then we would be back in time to pick her up around 5.

My worry is being 2 hours away from nursery in case anything happened as we don't have any other family or close ties where we live. Normally I work close by. Would you risk this? I have a friend I could ask to be emergency contact for the day but I'm not too sure what to think about it. As in, if DC was sick then I would come back on the next train (might have to wait for one so journey could be 3 hours) and nursery would have to look after her until I got back. I did have a case once where I had to rush in to nursery as she was having an allergic reaction (turned out it was nothing) and nursery didn't want to administer any drugs without me.

Am I overthinking? WWYD? Thanks.

When I'm at work I'm up to 2 hours away from school depending on how quickly the next train comes. DH is usually closer but there have been days we're both in London and that far away. Not sure it's particularly unusual.

Is driving not an option? Would that take longer? Would give you option of one person rushing back and one staying if needs be if you had a car with you.

Two hours away for one day will be fine. Just let nursery know in advance and in the unlikely event she's not well then have your friend on stand by.

Chances are she will be fine but I'd have a back up just incase the train was delayed which is more likely than her being poorly.

Can you take your child with you? I think that would be the option I would choose.

Two hours away is fine, just make sure nursery know where you are and why.

I'm usually all for children at funerals, but a nursery aged DC and a complicated family funeral may just be too much to handle. Or maybe DC would give you something useful to focus on and be busy with for the day!

I'd take your toddler with you.

I would say ask your friend to be the emergency contact, and go to the funeral. I’m sure your friend will be fine with it. I would do the same for any of my friends.

Thank you, that's helpful. Decision made.

I wouldn’t go because if the train is delayed or cancelled you would be fecked. You can always speak to DH on the phone throughout the day.

Why wouldn't you bring your child? I'm quite surprised you're not spending the night to spend time with family and friends. Maybe a cultural thing? Where I'm from you would stay at least a couple of days even if not close to the parent I'm sure there are other relatives and neighbours etc that your DH might want to see.

No way would I take a toddler to a funeral. Completely unreasonable to expect them to be able to sit/stand still and be quiet in the way that's needed. Plus you don't know how you're going to feel on the day, then having to take care of a toddler too, who would be stressed by your emotions, expectations and then then add on top new people in a new environment. At that age it's kinder all round for the toddler to stay in nursery.

The policy at my children’s nursery was if you weren’t able to get there in half an hour, they’d call the next person on the pick up list. Don’t you already have a plan B contact if you and your DH can’t be reached?

I would take your toddler. 8f she is restless in the church just take her outside for a while. You are freer then to stay and chat to extended family especially for your dp. I couldn't imagine leaving my mother's funeral and rushing for a train and going home. Family like to chat and spend time together when other people have left. Otherwise this may hit dh a bit hard a day or two later.

I’d take the dc with me. And if the child was disruptive during the service I’d take him/ her out. One of my mother in law’s neighbours brought her baby to my mother in law’s funeral. We were really touched that she had made the effort to come and the baby was a welcome addition. My mother in law loved the neighbours/ daughter / baby.

We ended up hiring a car and diving so that I could drive back quicker if needed. It all went fine, and was definitely the right decision as there is no way in this earth our DC would have sat quietly in the service, or been able to cope with all the standing around.

@FearMe your response actually made me feel very judged and I thought it came across as rather insensitive and as if you hadn't read my OP. Also somewhat rude saying "it must be a cultural thing". As if you simply can't fathom that not everyone has a blissful upbringing. As explained the relationship was very strained and challenging.

Not everyone has wonderful happy families. Something I find a lot on Mumsnet don't realise. My husband did what he felt was best and no he did not have anyone he felt comfortable staying with, nor did he want to.