Did you prioritise family meeting your new DCs?

[Grinchinlaws]

Not sure whether IABU to feel a bit miffed at this.

Our nephew was born recently, DC2 for BIL and SIL (DH’s brother). When we asked when we could visit to meet the baby they gave us a date when baby will be 7 weeks old because they’ve got other visitors (friends) booked in.

For context, we live 20 mins away and would plan on dropping in for 15 mins to say hello (which they know). We have 2 DC of our own so we do know how to behave around new parents. I feel a bit sad that we are so low down the priority list.

Would you be offended by this or am I being too sensitive? I can’t imagine not letting my own sibling meet my new baby for almost 2 months.

All of our close family (parents and siblings) saw my baby within a day or two of her being born.

Yes @Taytocrisps that’s the same for us (with DC1 anyway - DC2 was born in covid and it was miserable!).

I was making tea for this same BIL and SIL 2 days post partum while they cuddled my pfb so it does hurt a bit.

We just want to welcome our new nephew and my kids are desperate to meet him.

Yes family first for ours. I'd feel hurt by this too so really don't think you're being sensitive. 7 weeks is OTT if you're only 20 minutes away and just going to drop in, presumably with a gift for the new baby and for your kids to say hello to their new little cousin.

What happened when the first was born? Did they perhaps find visitors overwhelming so have decided non for first few weeks, and then just having them on one day a week or so?

How often do you usually see them? Pre baby? Are you close? I have friends that are practically family and I see them week in and week out. More than we see DH’s sister, so my best friends saw baby first and they continued to see our girls as they grew up. DH’s sister doesn’t and my youngest probably wouldn’t even recognise!

That being said, I was never precious and very happy to share newborn cuddles with everyone. Everyone family and friends saw each of our babies within the week they were born. 7 weeks seems very excessive, babies change so much during that time. Are they talking about hosting you when you come round? Or just a time for you to pop in?

Their first was born in covid (just after our dc2) so they didn’t have many visitors at all. They’ve been having loads this time though - just not us.

Do you seen them on a regular basis normally ?

7 weeks seems extreme alright!! When they said it did you laugh to let them know it was a bit mad? Do you see them a lot usually?

They haven’t said - we asked if we could pop in and were told that they had visitors that day (not the whole day though…) and also for the next x no of weeks.

I wouldn’t say we were super close but see them every 2-3 months. DH and I work full time and weekends are usually packed with kids activities but we do get on with them (or I thought we did!).

It was via WhatsApp…I did respond to say that the kids were really keen to meet the baby but no worries.

We probably see them every couple of months - Jan was the last time. But we message a lot on the family group and we sent loads of gifts and food as soon as the baby arrived.

Yes, I would expect to see a new niece or nephew within a couple of days, and I would expect my siblings to visit us within a couple of days - as indeed happened when my dns were born and when my dc were born.

I would say if you seen them every 2-3 months then fair enough that your not a priority that being said it wouldn't hurt it being a little sooner than 7 weeks .
Is your bil back to work so perhaps sil doesn't want to have to entertain by herself ? Perhaps they are being careful about germs and kids handling the new baby ?

@Grinchinlaws what has DH said?

i wasn’t fussed about who visited. When ds16 was born, we had my mum, nan, brother, his gf, sister and family friend (we all lived together) and our other family friends came that night, one of them actually brought me home from hospital as neither me or DP drove back then. We ordered a massive Chinese. My aunt, cousin, my dad and his new family all visited the days after.

when I had dd, she was born in a different town, where we live now.. was just the family. The family friends all drove from london the very next day (dd was born on a Friday, I was released Saturday and they came on the Sunday.

Yeah..it’s weird isn’t it. SIL’s sister was there the day they got home from the hospital and PILs have been allowed to visit!

They aren’t free next weekend because they are seeing some former neighbours instead. DH was best man at their wedding 2 years ago so it’s just bizarre.

He’s got 8 weeks paternity leave. I don’t think they are being precious about germs etc as they have a 3 year old who is in full time preschool and they’ve had other friends with kids visiting.

DH is perplexed but is a very chilled person and is accepting of it because what can we realistically do.

7 weeks is insane

We didn’t meet BIL and SIL’s baby for almost three months because we were busy and just didn’t find the time. We are also about 20 mins away so it doesn’t seem that bad to me, we aren’t close though so I suppose it depends on your usual relationship.

They did say we could visit at any time but honestly between full time work, DC with commitments, my own parents who had health issues and winter coughs/colds it took a long time for us to fit it in.

I did have everyone who wanted to visit as soon as possible with mine because I liked showing them off and it got it over and done with quickly so we could then settle into a routine. It seems quite a trend now to give appointments or just not see anyone for a certain amount of weeks.

Yeah actually @CuttingMeOpenthenHealingMeFine maybe because they didn’t have the normal experience first time round (because of covid) they don’t realise that this isn’t normal behaviour?

But even then if they’ve decided they will give people an appointment at a set time on a Sunday (eg), it’s still a bit hurtful that we are waaayyy down the list for the appointment!

Not sure that there is any point saying anything to them about it but I’m glad to know that other people agree with me that it’s weird.

I think 7 weeks is ages and also find it weird organising a date so far in advance if you're just popping round for half an hour at first. I can see why you are disappointed, I would be too.

That being said, if you live 20 mins from them and only see each other once every 2-3 months, to me that's a sign that you're not close. In that context it makes slightly more sense as clearly you and your family aren't a priority to them tbh. I see my siblings much more frequently than that whereas we see DH's sibling only about thst often and actually thinking about it we only met their child when they were about 6 weeks old too. But they keep us at a distance in general, it's always DH contacting them trying to arrange things and being told like you no we are busy and eventually aftr loads of chasing being given a short time period weeks away. That was the case before the baby was born so remains the same now and is what we expected. It is very upsetting for DH tbh but after many years of it he is sorta used to it now I suppose.

Ah, every 2-3 months does smack a bit of duty family visits so that’s a bit more understandable than if you were seeing each other more often. That’s 4 to 6 meetings per year for brothers who live 20 minutes away from each other: I don’t think they’re close siblings. Or do they sometimes see each other without their families?

@HeddaGarbled DH does meet up with BIL on his own for a drink/dinner in between but I think since he’s been with SIL the focus has shifted much more towards her friends and her family. Also we saw them a lot more pre covid but they didn’t have kids then and all of our lives have just been really busy since. DH works on Saturdays so we only have Sunday together as a family which makes it hard to fit stuff in.

Its true though that they clearly don’t care about us in the way we care about them, or they’d have wanted us to meet their baby sooner.