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Original poster

I'm so miserable - life advice please

81 replies

JunkBasket · 29/04/2024 16:41

I'm sat here crying (a common occurrence) because I am so frustrated and fed up with my life and I just don't know where to begin in sorting things out.

I don't work and haven't for over 10 years due to initially taking time off when the kids were tiny, and then discovering that my eldest is autistic after he started refusing school. There's nothing I can do about this now - I've campaigned the school, local authority, MP, government etc and there's no suitable placement for my child so consequently he's at home with me. He has some work sent virtually and although it's not a lot, it takes an awful lot of time and effort to get him to complete it. I find this stressful and time consuming. He also has various different appointments to attend on a regular basis that are an hours drive away which takes up another big chunk of time. Everything else I do with DC is extremely stressful as he struggles with lots of things, not independent etc.

DH works full time running his own business. He tends to go to work later than average (9-9-30am) and consequently gets home around 7 by which point we've eaten. He then showers, eats dinner and puts youngest DC to bed and always falls asleep doing so.
He does the dishwasher about 50% of the time. Apart from cutting the grass and putting out bins this is the only household chore he does.

He also occasionally travels for work so can be away from a few days to a week at a time. This is rare but obviously everything falls to me during this time.

I am also a partner in the business but I do a minimal amount of work (few hours a week).

I do all other household chores (laundry, cooking, cleaning, food and clothes shopping, appointments etc)

I have absolutely NO other regular help and never have done. My kids have never stayed overnight at a grandparents for example. I could count on one hand the amount of times the GPs have looked after the kids. DM has said she could help out IF I get a job but she can only do two certain days so I'm limited.

DH has also broached the subject of his elderly mother coming to live with us in a few years as she can no longer manage on her own. He relies on me and takes it for granted that I will do a lot of things for him - he's assured me that her care would not fall to me but I just know that it would end up that way. I don't mean to be heartless but this would break me.

I'm giving you all this info because I'm desperately miserable. I'd love to be able to be going out to work and earning a decent amount of money, as well as having that sense of achievement but I don't have anyone that I can leave my kids with. It feels really unfair to me that DH goes to work and enjoys it whilst I feel like I'm stuck in a prison at home. I have brought this up with him multiple times and he has said I should get a job - my issue is that I have no real skills to put on my cv. I worked in multiple admin roles before having children so I've no "career" to return to.

Well done if you've got this far, any ideas on what to do/where to go from here?

OP posts:
Freakinfraser · 29/04/2024 17:29

Agree and also social services to see if you can get respite care?

FortunataTagnips · 29/04/2024 17:31

You are entitled to a carer’s needs assessment from the LA. It’s in their interest to ensure that you don’t collapse under the strain.

Original poster
JunkBasket · 29/04/2024 17:36

NoCloudsAllowed · 29/04/2024 17:20

Book yourself a weekend away, let dh take care of home.

Basic human needs are socialisation, access to green space, exercise, a sense of challenge, good food, good sleep. Do you get these? Sounds like you're stuck in a rut and feeling underappreciated.

Make a schedule of how you meet those needs. Why does dh start work that late - can he come back at a time that lets you go out one night a week? Yoga class, evening class etc. even just a walk in a park would help.

Son is 14 - what happens past gcse age? When does this intensive dependency change, would he ever go to college? What do local authorities say about care once he's past school age? Would he need this? It's only a few years away, you could start planning now about what you'll do when the homeschooling is done with.

Good idea re weekend away.

No I don't really get any of those basic human needs - maybe good food (probably too much!)

I've questioned DH multiple times re why he goes to work at those times "because I want to" is usually the answer. I've explained that it's unhelpful to the family for him to come in at 7pm and later but he just promises to come home earlier and it happens for a week then slowly creeps back.

School have said they have an agency that does transition from school. Sounds great but apparently only 30% of kids go on to a positive destination. I don't think he'd cope with college. Ideally I'd like to get him a PA but can't afford it.

Thanks for the suggestions, definitely going to start a list.

OP posts:
Original poster
JunkBasket · 29/04/2024 17:38

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 29/04/2024 17:22

Tough love here.

  1. you say you haven’t worked in 10 years ….. erm excuse me but you do have three jobs. A) full time carer B) Running the household - admin and organisational skills. Plus teaching you child schoolwork. C) you work part time in your dh business - please say you get paid for this!

so yes, you do have a lot of worthy skills to put on a cv if you so wish. DO NOT forget just how much you do.

Are there any groups you and your son could attend for companionship, enjoyment and just to have some alternative adult company?

Aw thank you! You are right - I might prepare myself a cv just so I have it to hand.

I will look into any clubs - I don't know of any off the top of my head.

OP posts:
Noicant · 29/04/2024 17:38

Can you get help with the chores, get a cleaner in etc?

Original poster
JunkBasket · 29/04/2024 17:40

Katiemc15 · 29/04/2024 17:23

Could you look into a local support group for other parents of kids like your son? It sounds like you need support and a social outlet.

I was actually a member of one but I had to leave as I struggled with listening to and taking on the stresses of everyone else. I think I need something more positive, but thank you for suggesting this. I know it can be a lifeline for many parent carers.

OP posts:
Original poster
JunkBasket · 29/04/2024 17:42

@Freakinfraser

Can you look to get him into a school that would cater for his needs?

I've spent the last 6 years doing this. There is nowhere that can cater to his needs. He is academic so special schools won't accept him, but mainstream is too busy/noisy/stressful for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
JunkBasket · 29/04/2024 17:43

sunflowerfan · 29/04/2024 17:27

Is the work being sent for your son to do actually useful?
Would your's and his time be better spent doing something else?

It's working towards a qualification and it's keeping him busy but I do wonder sometimes if it's all worth it!

OP posts:
Original poster
JunkBasket · 29/04/2024 17:44

Katiemc15 · 29/04/2024 17:28

Could you go and speak to your GP? They may be able to recommend some practical supports, put you in touch with some useful contacts and you’ll likely feel better just for having spoken to someone

Yes I think I might do this, good idea thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
JunkBasket · 29/04/2024 17:44

FortunataTagnips · 29/04/2024 17:31

You are entitled to a carer’s needs assessment from the LA. It’s in their interest to ensure that you don’t collapse under the strain.

Thank you I will look into this

OP posts:
Bubbleswithsqueak · 29/04/2024 17:45

My DS is in a special school for very academic kids. They do exist, and it's amazing. He was unable to attend mainstream for over 2 years, but loves his new school.

FortunataTagnips · 29/04/2024 17:45

Our school system really fails the academically able autistic kids.

Original poster
JunkBasket · 29/04/2024 17:46

Noicant · 29/04/2024 17:38

Can you get help with the chores, get a cleaner in etc?

I had a cleaner come out to quote and they said it would be £200 a month which we can't afford. It would make a huge difference though just to take that off my plate.

OP posts:
Original poster
JunkBasket · 29/04/2024 17:47

Bubbleswithsqueak · 29/04/2024 17:45

My DS is in a special school for very academic kids. They do exist, and it's amazing. He was unable to attend mainstream for over 2 years, but loves his new school.

That's lovely - so pleased his needs are being met 😊 I wish we had this here but there just aren't any anywhere near us at all.

OP posts:
FortunataTagnips · 29/04/2024 17:47

Does your son get DLA? It would be worth applying if he doesn’t -
you’d be justified in adding that to the household pot to pay for a cleaner.

Original poster
JunkBasket · 29/04/2024 17:49

FortunataTagnips · 29/04/2024 17:45

Our school system really fails the academically able autistic kids.

Don't they just - it's awful. I'm not suggesting they go back to this but the old style single desks all facing the front with zero tolerance on disruption would have really suited my ds!

OP posts:
FortunataTagnips · 29/04/2024 17:51

Also, when your husband says you should get a job, how does he picture that working? How would he support you to do that? (I’m guessing he doesn’t intend to stay at home with your son.)

Original poster
JunkBasket · 29/04/2024 17:52

FortunataTagnips · 29/04/2024 17:47

Does your son get DLA? It would be worth applying if he doesn’t -
you’d be justified in adding that to the household pot to pay for a cleaner.

He does already get it and it's just been lumped into the pot to help with extra costs (travel, sensory stuff, aids etc)
If we didn't already get it I'd definitely take that idea!

OP posts:
Allshallbewell2021 · 29/04/2024 17:54

OP,
What a huge responsibility you are carrying.
I think you need to sit down with DH and have a look at everything together and see what is fixed and what is negotiable.

  1. You sound like you really need a break
  2. dh needs to hear the truth of how you are 3)You need to get some kind of help/support/advice/backup

It sounds unsustainable.

But maybe if you had a day a week volunteering somewhere or guaranteed day off a week or a fortnight?
There may be a homeschooling group with children with similar challenges which might contact?

No one can keep going indefinitely on an empty tank.

Good luck OP you are heroic

Original poster
JunkBasket · 29/04/2024 17:56

FortunataTagnips · 29/04/2024 17:51

Also, when your husband says you should get a job, how does he picture that working? How would he support you to do that? (I’m guessing he doesn’t intend to stay at home with your son.)

Well exactly - I've suggested that I could work evenings and weekends but he would need to be home early enough to let me get away. He did seem fine with it though.

The other issue I have is that because I am partner in the business I am already working (albeit minimally) and paying tax, so an out of the home job would complicate my tax payments I think. I'm not really sure what happens but I think I'd be in a higher tax bracket. So may not even be financially viable.

OP posts:
FlannelandPuce · 29/04/2024 17:57

Your parents have said they would look after your ds on certain days if you got a job. How about volunteering work at a food bank, or a charity that appeals to you? You have the flexibility to donate time when it suits, which could fit in with when your parents could help and if appointments crop up, plus it would be experience for when you are ready and able to get paid work.

FortunataTagnips · 29/04/2024 17:59

Could your DP work from home one day a week, to be around for your son if he needs help, while you go and do something else? Could be volunteering, could be a hobby - whatever makes you feel a bit more like a member of the human race.

Original poster
JunkBasket · 29/04/2024 18:00

Allshallbewell2021 · 29/04/2024 17:54

OP,
What a huge responsibility you are carrying.
I think you need to sit down with DH and have a look at everything together and see what is fixed and what is negotiable.

  1. You sound like you really need a break
  2. dh needs to hear the truth of how you are 3)You need to get some kind of help/support/advice/backup

It sounds unsustainable.

But maybe if you had a day a week volunteering somewhere or guaranteed day off a week or a fortnight?
There may be a homeschooling group with children with similar challenges which might contact?

No one can keep going indefinitely on an empty tank.

Good luck OP you are heroic

Thank you, this is such a kind hearted post, you sound like a lovely person.

I have spoken to DH multiple times about how I feel and how overwhelmed I am. He does listen and says he's willing to do whatever it takes to help but I don't think he really knows what to do. Sometimes I spell it out in black and white ie "I'd like you to do the hoovering please" and he will do it once but then doesn't think to ever do it again! I get fed up having to constantly delegate.

OP posts:
Original poster
JunkBasket · 29/04/2024 18:01

Allshallbewell2021 · 29/04/2024 17:54

OP,
What a huge responsibility you are carrying.
I think you need to sit down with DH and have a look at everything together and see what is fixed and what is negotiable.

  1. You sound like you really need a break
  2. dh needs to hear the truth of how you are 3)You need to get some kind of help/support/advice/backup

It sounds unsustainable.

But maybe if you had a day a week volunteering somewhere or guaranteed day off a week or a fortnight?
There may be a homeschooling group with children with similar challenges which might contact?

No one can keep going indefinitely on an empty tank.

Good luck OP you are heroic

Yes I think I will look into volunteering, that's a good idea thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
JunkBasket · 29/04/2024 18:02

FlannelandPuce · 29/04/2024 17:57

Your parents have said they would look after your ds on certain days if you got a job. How about volunteering work at a food bank, or a charity that appeals to you? You have the flexibility to donate time when it suits, which could fit in with when your parents could help and if appointments crop up, plus it would be experience for when you are ready and able to get paid work.

That's a good idea - thank you

OP posts: