Cousin won’t get her DS assessed for SEN

[Lovend]

My cousin is lovely but seems blind to this issue. Her DS has shown signs of autism since he was 2 but she is adamant that he doesn’t have it. He’s now 6 and has had behavioural issues at school. The school have sent him to some emotional literacy classes and stated a behaviour diary but they won’t say either way whether they think he should be assessed. So she’s taken that as it is not necessary.

The main signs are him acting out when overwhelmed (eg hitting or pushing other kids), emotional melt downs in situations like parties, getting obsessed with certain scenes in films and then repetitively acting them out in imaginative play, he has little social awareness and barges past other kids like he doesn’t see them, he’s an extremely fussy eater, his toilet training was massively delayed and I noticed tiptoe walking and hand flapping when he was younger. His school report his academic progress to be on track but his speech is definitely more child like than his peers.

I don’t want to overstep the mark but this little boy isn’t getting support that I think he needs. He’s not learning techniques to self-regulate when overwhelmed and instead is receiving punishments at school for lashing out. I’ve suggested that she goes to the doctor to get him assessed because there is no harm if they say he is not ND, but she makes excuses about why not. I think she does know deep down.

It’s up to parents at this stage….and especially if school are not pushing…..it may or may not end in a referral later down the line…but absolutely nothing to do with you

Unusual in this day & age a school would miss the big signpost behaviours if they are present at schhol. Is this UK? If not present all the time then it's 'at home' issues. Self regulation support and resources to emotional development/transition coping can be accessed without a diagnosis.

Do you have a background in teaching or in working with SEN children? If not then I’d leave it to the professionals. School are already aware so will suggest an assessment if and when they feel it is necessary.

What does his dad think?

Schools miss Sen all the time, even when it is obvious and masking means behaviours do not present all the time.

This happened in my family. In our case it was denial and inability to come to terms with reality on the parents' part. These were ambitious parents with their sights on a career in medicine or law for the child. It was a long journey to acceptance. The issues increased until things reached crisis point. The child was then assessed and diagnosed at the age of 10 and is getting the help they need but my god it was a tough few years waiting for the parents to come round, in which the child was badly bullied and in turn physically lashed out at everyone around him. I'm not sure what would have helped, several family members did suggest assessment with varying degrees of strength but ultimately the parents had to accept it in their own time.

I do, although it’s not what a do as a job anymore. My cousin have asked the school and she says they won’t give her a straight answer

Dad just nods along with mum. I do suspect he is ND himself for a variety of reasons

You’ve suggested that she has him assessed and that’s all you can do.

If school don't support a referral then it won't get very far anyway.

Well, you've described my DS to a tee.

This continued until he was 14.

Along the way, he was tested and seen by Ed Psychs etc, no definitive but lots of angst, he drove teachers nuts, he drove us nuts. We all hung in.

Then a dear friend of mine with many, many years as a SENCO and Inclusion Lead said to me to stop worrying. Very difficult, but hell the woman is a bloody expert.

Today, he's an A level student, totally absorbed in study, charming with tonnes of friends.

Sometimes you don't need a label. Just patience, dogged attention to ensuring you don't drop issues and commitment to the school that behaviours need to be managed and where necessary sanctioned.

Even if she gets him assessed there is no magic wand of help that suddenly appears.
It is very common for parents not to recognize issues because they too have the same condition and don't recognize it as unusual behaviour as that's how they are too, it's why so many parents end up diagnosed after going down the route with their child.

Leave it. My kid is SEN and I had to deal with dragging husband who was totally in denial through the process. School also refused to tell us to get an assessment, it was their policy not to intervene and to leave it to the parents. Husband also took that as a sign all was OK (my kid is not slightly autistic, he's very autistic and now attends a special school!)

Basically you can't make people. And some autistic kids do learn coping strategies on their own. It's not great but some do. One of my best mates also totally in denial about her kid who is clearly SEN. He's 8 now and doing... basically ok.

Eh? For neurodiversity you go to a doctor. School don't have to support. We didn't even tell ours about our son's ASD diagnosis